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Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 94, 27 November 1869, Page 6

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'jf~ To be Been for nothing. — The play of the features. v ' : ' " " " ' Why* is a manuscript called M.S. ?—Because that is' the state in ' which the editor most frequently finds it. 11 Ah ' English paper advertises for sale "a pew ■which commands a -view of nearly the whole congregation." * •'■'•' ' • ' ' A' Good Layer. — An enthusiastic poultry peeper -writes to suggest that the Great Easfc crn should be now called the Great Hen, because she has laid so many cables, and brought up'someof themtoo! : 1 A'shrewd Answer.— Lady (at Sundayschool) — "'And' 'what' do you understand by tho ' pomp's anfl vanities of this wicked world ?' " TJie'head of. the class — "The flowers in your bonnet, 'teacher." ' ~ " *A" clergyman in Kansas complains that he .has raarrieYl but one couple this year. They paid him nothing, stayed to dinner, borrowed nis umbrella when they left, and never returned it ! ( '•" >*'••<■'■ - ■ > 1 ' A' Scotch elder, en learning from his minister that he 'proposed" a series of lectures on Revelation", cautioned him', "I've no objection 'to"ye taking a quiet trot through the seven 6hu¥ches, but for ony sake drive canny among the seals and trumpets.* ' '" ' A learned lady; the other evening, astonished the company by asKing for the " loan of a diminutive argentine truncated cone, convex ©n its summit;, and eemiperforated with/ symmetrical indentations." She wanted a thimble. v A boy in one of the public schools having beentoid that a reptile "is an animal that creeps'," on being asked to name one oh ex-amination-day," promptly and " triumphantly replied, " a baby.'.' • ' ' ' ' • ' 7 A gentleman in Boston advertises for a horse " for : a 'lady of dark' dolour, a good trotter, and of stylish action !" The horse " must be young', and have a long tail about fifteen Bands high l.'.'.' 1 - 1 ■ ' • ■• • A lady hired a Western country girl for a family " help," and was surprised to see her poke her head into the parlour one afternoon • when visitors were present, and ask, ." Mann, did you call just now ? X thought I heard a • A teacher, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in whicn a lobster cas's its shell when it has outgrown it, said, •• What do you do when you nave outgrown your clothes ? You throw them aside, don't you?". "Oh, no!" replied, the little one, "we let out the tucks r J '"' " ' ■ '' " " In a country parish in Scotland, the minister and the ruling elder went over the inuir "- to visit an old parishioner on a " catechising visit, and the walk; being a long one, thenappetite's were pretty keen when they arrived. . Before commencing the slirious dumdbsb, they suggested' that" 'the-"-" inward man." was clamorous." Janef'acc'ordinglyVent to the " pre^B," and placed on the tabie country refreshments — bread, milk, &c, and, seating herself at a little distance", requested the visitors to fall on. They soon cleared the" board, and tfie minister remarked, "Now, Janet, we begin the gerious business. Dp you remember the texflast'-Sunday; Janet? 1111 * 1 "'Deed do J,? replied,' J.mei ; I mind it wee! ; ifc' was the miracle of the loaves and fishes.*' • "And, have you pondered the subject during the week, Janet?"' 1 "'Deed have I; an' I'm thinkin' the noo that gin you and the elder 'had been there,' they' wadna hae taen up sac mony baskets ia'," •*•'■' '■" > if -■••••: ** When Professor Aytonn was making proposals for 'marriage to his first wife, a daughter of toV'tolebrated Professor Wilson, the tady reminded iafa. that it would be necessary to ask the' approval of her sire.' " Certainly 1 , said Aytdun | " but as I am a little diffident in speaking to him on this subject, yon' must rußt go and tell him" my' proposals yourself' /The lady proceeded to the library, and taking h<?r father affectionately by the hand,' mentioned that Professor Avtoun had asked her to become hifi' wife! She added, "Shall' l •oeept'his offer, papa?*' He cays he is toe diffident to name the subject to you himself." V'Then," said old Christopher, "I Lai'. better Tsrite my reply, and pin it to your back. 1 ' He did so, and the lady returned to the drawing-room." There the anxious suitor read the answer to his message, which, was in ihese worala, " With the author's eompli-