HOW I COMMITTED BIGAMY

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 90, 30 October 1869, Page 5

HOW I COMMITTED BIGAMY

Although I have generally kept on the weather side of the law, in one important instance I lost sight of my usual prudence. It is now some halfcentury ago since circumstances made me their \ietim, but the recollection of the pidrie my good nature led me : into has still power to throw me into a cold perspiration. It was in the year 1820 that I held the post of " commercial gentleman,"' as I styled myself — bagman, as everybody else called me — for a large London house. Wines were the commodity I chiefly dealt in, so my business caused me to have an extensive acquaintance with inns. The bagman of fifty years a<vo was a very different person from the loud-voiced, vulgar puppy who talces the road in these days. He was admitted into second-rate country circles, and was viewed as a desirable match by the daughters of substantial yeomen aud rural clergymen. Railways had not at the time I write of deprived the road of its romance ; the stage coach, with its four well-groomed horses, redcoated guard, and loquacious man, was the only means of travelling, unless you drove your own conveyance. As I had to carry about with me a large n iinber of samples, this latter methoii was the one I adopted. One bleak winter night I was spinning along in my natty trap on my way to that Paradise of fools, Grrctna Green. My objects were commercial, however, and not matrimonial ; indeed, the Blacksmiths' xlrms and Hymeneal Hotels were old and valuable customers of our firm. It was my first visit across the border, and I anticipated no slight amusement from the survey of so celebrated a place. About five miles from my destination, my mare Maggie shied at some object before her. A little examination showed me an upset post-chaise. lat once pulled up and went to offer my services. I found that the accident was an instance of the old proverb — T'le course of true love never does run smooth. A very handsome girl, who appeared just entering on her teens, was seated by the roadsi>le, weeping bitterly. A microscopic post-boy was busily engaged in disentangling the horses from the wreck. The latter soon explained the state of affairs. The weeping beauty had eloped with her musicmaster. The journey had been safely accomplished so far, but the envious fates had made up for thoii* complaisance by causing the axle to break across, just at the moment when the lovers fancied themselves safe from pursuit. The gallant music-master and one of the post-boys had goue to au adjacent farmhouse to procure assistance 1 . I endetvvoured to console Duleinea, but in vain. While I was thus engaged, the sound of approachwheels reached our ears. " Oh, it is my father ! Oh, save ms ! save me !" sobbed Beauty in Distress. " Jump into my trap, Miss !" said I, " !Vla:™ie will soon out-distance any nurciVr of poor blown posters." But Frederick? Oh, what will become of me !" " He can follow, you know," I urged in a consolatory tone. The sound of the approaching chaise grew more distinct ; terror overcame ths scruples of the young lady, and in a few minutes she and I were skimm:ng along the road as fast as a twoforty mare could pull us. The pursuin; chariot was quickly distanced, and in a shorter time than it has taken to tell this I found myself and my lovely ehirge safely housed in the Black, smiths' Arms, Gretua Green. I called the landlord. "Landlord," said I, "this young laly is hotly pursued by some persons wiom she wishes to avoid. Can you m mage to keep her quiet ?" Mine host grinned. "Yes, sir — certainly, sir ; just sign your name here, sir," said he, pulling out what ap )eared a visitors' book. " 1 Avill m ike iD all right, sir. JNfo one ever regents coming to my house, sir." Rather impatiently I signed the book. "Now, Miss, for your name," and in a moment my 'fair coinpaniDii had signed her name. " All right, sir; leave the rest to me," said Boniface with a fiendish grin, and he backed out of the room chuckling in amanner that threatened instant apopljxy. I followed him in order to mike some arrangements for dinner, .last as I entered the bar, a postchaise an I four drew up at the door. An el lerly gentleman jumped out, looked up at the windows, and in a moment ru ihed up to the room I hadjust quitted. I .stood listening;. The old boy was «evilen.fcly +he indignant parieufc ; and I he ird him giving it hot and strong to m/late companion. In spite of her te ts and entreaties, he commenced dr igging her to the door, when mine host interfered. " Hoity-toity," said he ; " here's a pritty to-do. Leave the young lady alme, sir, or I shall have you compalled!" " Young lady ? Young hussey !" rorred papa. "She's my daughter, fe'hw, and I dare you to interfere Ayit'n in;! 11 Boniface smiled. " " Certainly, sir, you Jvsii a ri^ht } but »ow the young laly's husband is the only person whose authority she is bound to regird." " Httsbatid !'* shouted the father,

" Husband ! !" squealed the young lady. "Husband," said Boniface firmly. " Here is the contract, signed aud sealed before witnesses, and, by the 6th Ann., Cap. 23, a perfectly' legal marriage." . The young lady fainted. The father called to a gentleman, who had just ! descended from the chaise; to come up to the room. This person, who had attorney stamped as legibly on every feature as the brand of Cain, spoke a few words to the father, and then, pullinir the landlord to one side, engaged him in conversation. After some little time, I heard mine host say, "Well, since the man is such a cowardly sneak as to run away when his wife's in danger, I'll shut my eyes for a ten pound note." " So ends the romance," said I. I heard the sound of weeping as the lady was carried to the chaise, which, in a few moments, drove away. I entered the bar rather sad at heart for the poor young thin<*, but too hungry to induce in sentiment. " A pretty fellow," snid tho land. lord, with a sneer, {< A pretty fellow you are, indeed, to allow your lawful wife to be carried off in that manner." " My wife !" gaped I. " Your wife, yes. You cowardly fool, I suppose you'll next deny signing the contract." Great heavens, it was too true, I had been married without knowing it. I don't know what I said or did. I must have ordered round my trap, for I only recovered possession of my faculties after driving some twenty miles over the border. I considered what I should do. I consulted lawyers numberless, but in spite of all hud at last to philosophically resolve to grin and bear it. Ten years passed away. I was a partner in the firm I had formerly travelled for, and began to fool inclined to settle down in lire. I wished to marry, but the recollection of my accused mishap at Gretna prevented me doing so. I never heard more of my accidental wife. 1 was even ignorant of her name, but I never felt safe. Every knock at my door threw me into a fever, for I fully expected to see her stalk in «md claim her vieiim. I was suffering from this hideous fear when I met a Miss Grove at a friend's house. In her presence I forgot all my terrors — in short I found myself head over ears in love. I was in a. quandary j at last I resolved to tell her all and throw myself on her mercy. I carried out my resolution. Judge of my astonishment when she burst out lav -lung. * ' • " So," said she, " you are the owner* of the fast-trotting mare Maggie," and she laughed ayain. A delightful suspicion crossed my mind. " And you ?" said I, dropping on knees. " Why, I am," she answered, " your accidental wife." Need I icll more? "W-j n<-,- rn<vv\cd again i\\ a move ftvuui awl deliberate manner, although I own 1 hud my doubts whether this double marriage did not amount to bigamy. Thank heaven the police did not hear of the circumstances of the ca*e, and I was left unmolested, t^ince 110111 1011 thirty years have passed away, and I have buried seven wives*, hufc none of them ever equilled my dear Ainiu.v, my accidental spouse.

A Yajseee Notion. — A man in Adair County, lowa, has invented a cannon which he believes will send a ball fourteen miles. The peculiarity i.s in the ball itself, which is in seven sections, with six fuses. The powder of the cannon sends the ball limmnm<r two miles from the muzzle, lighting 1 fuse No. 1, which burns to the powder in the ball in the time the bull travels two miles, when an explosion takes place which sends the ball two miles further, where fuse No. 2 does its duty, and propels the ball two miles further, and so on to the end of J,ho fuses and the fourteen, miles. — " New York Herald." New "Velocipede. — " Le Petit Moniteur " states that a new velocipede is being; patented in Paris, which is to throw all others into the shade. It has five wheels, and the motive power is communicated to ifc by the mem weight of the riders. Tub Boundaries op America. — At the American celebration of Independence Day at Vienna this year, a speaker, growing eloquent on the future of the Eepublic, repeated a description of its boundaries given by an enthusiastic Yankee, who said '"It was bounded on the east by the Atlaufcic, on the norfch by the Aurora Borcalis, on the west by the Setting; Sun, and on the south by the Day of Judgment." Mr. Carlyle said many years a<jo that every day was in truth a judgment day, and this is not the first time that the American day of judgment has been declared to lie towards the south. — " Daily News." The Bishop of Calcutta has written to the Society for the Propagation of the Grospel stating that he has received into the communion of the Church of England, afc thtir own request, 7000 j native converts at Chota Nagpore, and has reordained four Lutheran ministers who had sought episcopal orders,