FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 90, 30 October 1869, Page 5

FACETIÆ.

A Broker. — An 01.l mw\ di'fine* a " broker " fo be one who " breaketli and grh.deth into small pieces. 1 ' In America an artist recently painted a winter scene so true to Nature, that a child which slept near it whs nenrly frozen to death. What is the difference between love and law ? - In lore the attachment precedes the declaration ; in law the declaration precedes the attachment The ' prohibitio'iomefer" 13 an instrument: invented in America, by which a "moderate drinker " can tell when he ceases to be sober &nd is getting drunk. The Englit-h newspapers are full of the discovery male in France of an elctric chihl Our colonial children will ehoik anything o any hocly, so the discovery is by no means a novel one. -_._An Irishman, win went courting when drunk, <>n.bein<r a-ked what pleisure he found in whiskey, replied, " Oh, Molly it's a trale intmly 10 t-ee two of your swate purty faces instead of one >." At a recent examina'inn of girls in Cheshire, for the rite of confirmation, in an-%\er to the question, '• What is ihe outward and visnle gsgn and form of baptism ?" the reply wa.*, •'The baby, sir." A currosiiy of mennness has bpen exhibited in S.m Francisco. During the settlement of an estate in that city, on the 21th of January, it was discovered that a brother of the cleC3ased had chiinred the estate four dollars for loss of time while attending the funeral. The Ysuikee police have long been in pursuit of a notorious thief, but wthoni success. It has been ascertained that, upon the approach of a detective, he manages to turn the "back of his face" towards him with sach expertne^s as to avoid recognition Ingenious but Liime! — A. man was tried some little time back, for stealing several clocks. The defence set up by the learned gen*leman who appeared fo'him was this :— That after the pnVontsr hnd taken the clocks to his own house, he put 'em all back ! The jury didn't see it! When in Aberdeen, Dr. Johnson dined with a cleigyman, the soup being "hotchpotch." The lady of the house, afrer having sorved him once asked if Ue would take more The gruff and stern moralist, and outspoken Boci-d bear, replied, "It is a dish fit for hogs, mad m." <: Take a lit'c.e more then,"' was the immediate and appropriate reply. " Halloa, boy, did you see a rabbit cross the road the- e just now ?" " A riibbit ?" " Yes, be quick ; a rabbit." " Was it a kinder gi ay varmint?" "Yes, yes." " A lonuish cretin- j with a short tail?" " Yc3 | be quick, or he'll gain his burrow." "Hal it long legs behind and big ears?" "Yes, ye 3." "And somr jumps when ifc runs?" ''Yes." "Well, stranger, I ain'fc seen no such cretur about here !" The, sexton in a large lown near which I lived, was compelled to dig the graves of all the parish poor who died for a very small sum per grave, which he did not consider gnffi'jient. One afrernoon he had to dig four or five graves, and. was much out of temper. The parish doctor happened to pass, so he L-ft his work and went up to him, and touching his hat said, '"You're getting through them paupers very quick, sir" — " Onco a Week." ' . A clover young hriclo pays that gentlemen talk nonser.-e hniotv hirlies, bet-auee caey think the ladies like it ; for ifc makes them laugh If the ladies would always look very grave when the, gentlemen talk ridiculous nonsense and smile when they talk sense, gentlemen might improve. But lades often begin to yawn when gentlemen attemprs senso ; and 8') in self-def -nee tho gentlemen are compelled to alhere to the lino of conversation which brightens up tho ladies faces most. The fact is, the ladies sire difficult to please with sense ; an. l tlioy want so mack poetry ee:»Hmentality, and eye-white, what very few gentlemen are able to supply them. An Eclipse — King, a learned teacher of a Sunday school in the north of Engl.md, wa< one di»y -pmiuarotiring to prove to his pupils the exU(»noo of a Supreme Bvjing, a* illustrated by the peculiar adaptation of tho structure of every animal to the country and climate it was destinod 10 inhabit. After lecturing for 6omß lime upon this subject, bo exwlainirsd •with eloquence, " But why go to the pole, or to the burning plains of Africa, for examples to prove this important subject ? Is not man himcelf an excellent examp'e of the power smd Wisdom of the Divine h.md ? Had ' he been born with a fleece upon his back, it v true he inigftthave been comfurted by its warmtli in tbdji'j regions of tb© north j but what would have become of him in tlie tropical countries, Or Under the Equator?" One of the pupils, thinking the last questiotl specially directed to | fcimself, answered, with evident simplicity, I