FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 87, 9 October 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

Patrick told his sweetheart he " Could not slape for draining of her." When is a yoiing man's arm like the Gospel ? "VYhen it maketb, glad the waist places. Who ever heard of a woman with pretty ankles and whole stocking, complain of wet sidewalks or muddy crossings ? What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover? The accepted kisses the misses, the rejected misses the kisses. Since our Maker thought it wrong for Adam to live single when there was not a woman on earth, how guilty are old bachelors with the world full of pretty girls ? "So you would not take me to he twenty?' said a young lady to her partner while dancing a polka a few evenings since. " What would you take me for ?M? M ■XT-" For better or for worse." " I resort to wine to stimulate my wits, y said a yonng spendthrift to an old one. — " Ah," replied the veteran, "that is the way I began ; but now I have to jeaort to my wits to get my -wine." A school-master asked his scholars if any of them could quote a passage of Scripture which forbade a man having two wives, whereupon nearly the whole of the school cried put, l -'Ko man can serve two masters." A Justice, in rebuking a virago who had been arraigned for nearly scratching her husband's eyes out, said, "you should remember that your husband is the head of the domestic realm : indeed, he is your- head, madam. n — "Well, then," screeched the termagant, "haven't I a right to scratch my own head !" Beauty or Brains.— lf it were optional with all women to be intelligent or beautiful, but forbidden to them to be both, which of the two gifts, Beauty or Brains, would the majority of the sex prefer ? This is a delicate question ; but if put to the vote we are inclined to. think ■$hat Beauty would carry the clay. Men bow dowu to feminine loveliness ; but as a rule th.ey are apt to fight shy of feminine wisdom. Some of them even seem to regard it with jecilousy, as an infringement on their prerogative. It is true that several tough old philosophers have inveighed against the influence of Beauty, stigmatizing it as a "short-lived tyranny," a "silent fraud," a "mere accident of nature," and the like ; but the probability is, that these caustic fellows had made bids for it in vain, and the acidity of temper they displayed was ascribable ty> " sour grapes. v A Horse Story. — An American clergyman, who js in the habit of preaching in difierent parts of the country, was, not long s^nce, at a country hotel, where he observed a horse dealer trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a broken-winded horse for a sound one The parson knew the bad character of the dealer, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious oE the person he ■was dealing with. The gentleman declined the purchase, and the dealer, quite nettled, observed, " Parson, I had much rather hear you, preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains between man and man in this way." — " Well," replied the parson, "if you had been where you ought to have been last Sunday, you might have heard me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the dealer. "In the State nrison," returned the clergyman. ' v A Lecture. — What the reporter said of the lecturer :—": — " The lecture last evening was a brilliant affair. The, hall ought to have been tilled. s We are sorry to say only forty persons were present. The speaker commenced by saying that he was by birth an ecclesiastical deduction ; gave a learned description of the devil and his Bkill ill sowing trees. Among other things, he stated that the Patriarch Abraham taught Cecrop3 arithmetic. We trust the eloquent divine may be induced to repeat the lecture at some future day." — What the lecturer said of the reporter : — " Dear sir, — In a report of my lecture in your beautiful city, you have made some mistakes which I wish to correct. You make me speak of myself as by birth an 'ecclesiastical deduction/ What I said was, that I was not^ by birth, but only ecclesiastically, a Dutchman. Instead, pf speaking of the devil as sawing trees, I spoke of him as sowing tares. I gaid nothing of Abraham, but spoke of the Arabians as nomads of patriarchal eiiaplicity. I said that Cecropa was the founder of Athens, and instructed the