A ROMANTIC STORY.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 86, 2 October 1869, Page 6

A ROMANTIC STORY.

Jedediah Hunks was an excellent and well-inforined young man. He was the pride of a Young Meng' Association, and a regular attendant on popular lectures. His information derived from such sources was, as might be expected, as varied as it was inaccurate and worthless.. No suspicion of this kindj however, ever crossed Jedediah's mind? and unquestionably he was a very intelligent young shopman. He came out in great force at the Debating Club; was suspected of writing an j " Ode to the Steam Hammer," which j had appeared in the poet's corner of j the local journal ; and electrified teatables by his acquaintance 'with the unscientific sciences. Jedediah was a Scotchman ; he lived in a Scotch city, worked in a Scotch store, and associated with Scotch people ; so that his carefulness in money matters was regarded as a virtue rather than other- ] Avise. My hero must not, because he was economical, be regarded as illiberal. On the contrary, he was most lavish in his gifts to a dear old uncle who had returned from India with a ruined I constitution and a crore of rupees. : The only personal luxury Jedediah allowed himself was the expense of a subscription to the Phrenological In-, stitute, he being "a Btrong believer in this "science," whose supporters are indeed generally to be found in the ranks of the half-educated. The institute boasted a museum and a lecturer, whose discourses were numerously attended by believers of both sexes. Tou may be sure Jedediah took out the full worth of bis money by regular attendance. A great deal has been said about elective affinities, and I presume it was owing to these occult influences that poor Hunks was plunged into love all of a heap. It was in feho lecture-room he first beheld his charmer ; and as he gazed upon her lovely features, the Hunkish nature was stirred as it had never been before. On the next lecture night he manoeuvred himself into a seat directly behind the bench whereon his charmer was seated. He hoped for some opportunity ta address her j but when the wished-for chance occurred, his courage quite forsook him. He sat out the lecture,, but the bumping of his heart prevented, him acquiring much information about cranial bumps. His case was alarming. His friends saw the change with sorrow and alarm. They observed him give a copper to a blind beggar, and trembled for his sanity — Such an opening of the heart could only betoken a softening of the brain. Poor Jeclectiaa felt the truth of their i strictures, and vindicated his sanity by insisting upon discount from his Washerwoman. But love, in spite of this lucid interval, continued lord of all. The fair phrenologist haunted his dreams, and made his waking moments miserable. At last he bethought himself of a. cousin who went in for gallantry. He resolved to request the assistance and advice of this miniature Lothario. " Poetry and pen and ink" was the response of the oracle, whose reputation was founded on a mild flirtation with a milliner's apprentice. Jedediah got the oracle to be more explicit, and finally drew up a most Johnsonian epistle, in which the word " madam " occurred in every line. As a delicate addition to this production he procured an eighteenpenny copy of " Paradise Lost," and turned down the page at Adam and Eve's first meeting. Thus, doubly armed, and fortified by the encouraging advice of his experienced mentor, he impatiently awaited the next lecture night. The fated ' hour arrived, and trembling, yet de- J termined Jedediah planted himself behind his inamorata. Jedediah did not lack courage j he could ride thirdclass, systematically forget the waiter, and button his pockets when the hat went round; but his position demanded all his nerve. He held the Milton in his hand, with the epistle lurking under cover of its inspired pages. He thrust the packet forward half a dozen times, and ,as often drew back his arm, trembling at his^own rashness. He sat like a hen on a hot girdle, to use the elegant simile of his native land. He feared that all round him had detected his object, and for the last time in his 7 life he actually blushed. But the lecturer had completed liis flowing eulogium " on the intellectual faculties displayed by the cranium of the lamented Captain Jarvey," and the moment for action had arrived. With one of those heroic impulses which only occur once or twice in the life of even the bravest, he rushed forward, intercepted his charmer as she left the room, thrust" book and epistle into her hands, and fled, amazed at his own audacity. Poor Jedediah, having flung his holt, awaited the issue in trembling expectation. Hia friend and adviser, Mr. Pocket Lothario, prophesied success ; his own heart predicted failure, in which case eighteenpence had been uselessly expended. He watched the postman, and felt his knock as though his ribs had been the panels of a door. At last a letter arrived, directed to Mr. Jedediah Hunks in a delicate feminine hand. our hero rejoiced and trembled. At last he summoned up sufficient courage to break the seal, and read as follows : — > Sir,— l have informed my brpthcr of your impertinence, andit bee may not be repeated. Your magnificent gift will be returned tq you, with interest in the form of -whipcord, by the brother of yooxofcediart servant, / - - ■ • I J5o?BQim«AjiWK,

Jed fainted. He recovered in time to hear that a strange gentleman, with a horsewhip, was below enquiring for him. The conjunction was as ominous to him as it could be to a Yankee editor j so he vanished by the 'backdoor. He had serious thoughts of binding the whole human race over to keep the peace; but as, under our enlightened system of legislation, oaths cost a few shillings, he concluded the game was not worth the candle. Instead of doing this he trusted in the philosophy of history, and left affairs to work themselves out. He disliked whipcord ; he also disliked expense. He was therefore a. believer in lalssez faire. His love, however, did not ; acknowledge such a policy. He knew j the name and residence of his chamer; had, like many another' strategist, suffered a repulse ; but, by acquiring a basis of operation, gained more than he lost. His uncle, by a special interposition, died about the time he was pendulating between whipcord and love. His will was a disappointment, for the bulk of his wealth went as a bribe to heaven — in other words, was devoted to li charity," MMy beloved nephew " came in for a hundred ortwo, an ivory mine' in Siberia, and a farm in Otago. Jedediah was wellinformed, yet he was intensely ignorant. In no other way can we account for his idea that the Otagan acres were worth the expense of title deeds. He actually believed New Zealand to be a fine countryman opinion which appears to all who have ruralised among the tussocks most perfectly ludicrous. Jed was, however, innocent of any saving knowledge. He read Mr. Pyke's pamphlet and the Q-overu-ment advertisements, and believed. He obtained useful information from a score of works on emigration. Most useful of all such information was the recommendation to marry before starting for the " Antipodean Britain " (a noble phrase that). To marry ! Ah, if the fair phrenologist were attainable bow boldly he would face the perils of the deep and the risks of colonial life. With such a domestic tie he would oppose an undaunted front to the ferocious bushranger and the all-de-vouring kangaroo. "What though a thousand Maoris flung their pahs at him, he would never tremble when he thought of the helpmate he possessed. But it was all up ; the elective affinity was entirely on one side ; the fair Sophonisba regarded not the willing Barkiss. lam afraid my readers will 1 have a poor opinion of Jedediah Hunks. Certainly, the receipt of a letter from Dulcinea would appear to some of us as the first victory of the campaign. But you see we have read Shakespeare, and believe "a woman's l no ) doth, stand for naught ; " and Jedediah knew very little about women or poetry. Without being posted in these branches of useful knowledge, what could he do ? My dear impatient reader, such a question cannot be answered in a sentence, so I am constrained to defer the rest to a more convenient season.

( To be concluded in our next).