MR WILKINS ON VELOCIPEDES.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 79, 14 August 1869, Page 6

MR WILKINS ON VELOCIPEDES.

(From the " Philadelphia Evening Bulletin") "But, Wilkins, I—" "I tell you, Mrs. Wilkins, I'm not going to have it,- you may as well make up your mind to that at once. No woman shall ever go prancing around this community on a velocipede, while she's a wife of mine, if I can help | it ; so you can just take that old pair of wheels you brought home and gladden the heart of some kindling woodman with them, but ride on them you don't ; if you do, I'm a Dutchman; there ! " " Mr. Wilkins, you know I—"I — " " No, I don't know anything of the kind. Do you think I'm going to let such a stout-looking woman as you dress up in Bloomers, and mount a high hat and go around trying to show off that figure?" " Mr. Wilkins ! " " Go straggling around the thoroughfares of this town, looking like an old beer-cask propped upon two legs, and showing those ankles which are so thick that you couldn't get one of them through the equator ? " " Wilkins, I'll scratch " ! "Well, I should think not. And besides, I don't know whereabouts on this terrestrial globe you expect to find | any wheels strong enough to bear you. j You'd smash a pair of cast-iron carriage wheels into smithereens the moment you sat down on them, you would. The best thing you can do is to walk, and on the ground, too, where the crust of the earth isn't thin ; or else sit in front of a fire and melt down your avoirdupoise." j "Mr. Wilkins, you're perfectly j scandalous." j " But I'm not going to put up with it. I don't intend to have you flopping j around town on a velocipede, and very •likely falling off and breaking your [ bones, and then having a lot of doctors I coming to my house and making &post mortem examination, and sawing you up, and discovering things with hard Latin names, in your lungs and your liver, and your physique generally. Well, I should think not! It's bad enough to have to submit to you now, without having your gore spilt around under the carpet, and a parcel of sawbones blaspheming at your anatomy. " Wilkins. ain't you ashamed to talk so ? " " I want you to understand that if you ride that velocipede I will sue for !* divorce. X ion't believe in a. -woman. i exercising her muscle on any suck eoni trivance. You'd a good deal better get a scrubbing brush and go down and tackle the front door-steps with some sand and a chunk of soap. That's the kind of exercise you want, in my opinion." "Mr. Wilkins, if you'll only listen—" " Or else practise carrying a coalscuttle up and down stairs every five minutes all day. But as for the mother of a family, and a flabby old girl of your years undertaking to ride a velocipede, why, it's simply ridiculous." " Mr. Wilkins, I—" " The next thing I know, I suppose you will be parading yourself in the papers as " Madame Wilkings, the Champion Velocipedist," and running mile heats on the Nicolson pavement for hundred dollar purses, best two out of three. A beautiful spectacle won't it be ? And, then, I suppose, you want me to bet on you and back you up ; but not one cent of my cash do you get. Not a single, solitary red. Do you suppose I'm going to throw away my hard-earned money on such a fanatic as you? Well, I should think not. I would not put up a dollar on you if I was worth untold millions. I'm not proud of you; I want you to distinctly understand that."

" Mr. Wilkins, that's all nonsense."

"And a pretty example you are setting to- your children. Here, only yesterday, Holofernes Montgomery made a velocipede out of two flour barrels, and when he and Bucephalus Alexander tried to mount it, it broke down and hit Mary Jane on the leg, and lamed her for life, while Holofernes Montgomery fell over the cat, which yowled and spitted around, and scratched Holofernes Montgomery over the frontispiece, so that his beauty is destroyed for ever, and he looks more like you than ever. I say it is perfectly outrageous, and I'm not going to stand it." ] " Mr. "Wilkins ! Oh, if you'll listen, I'll tell you something." " Oh, I don't want to hear it. We'll discontinue the conversation. I'm tired of hearing you cackle." "Well, that velocipede came horne — " " Never mind now. I want to go to sleep. Just give your tongue a chance to rest, will you ? " "It was for you. I heard you say you wanted one, so I bought it out of the market-money I saved. But you treat me like such a brute, that I — i— i— " "For me, did you say, Sarah? Well, then, never mind now. Don't cry, Sarah, I say. Never mind; I won't do it again, Sarah ! Sarah! Don't cry, Sa — rah! Oh, well, cry, then, cry ; who cares ! You're the most aggravating woman that ever lived. 11l get on that velocipede to-morrow-morning and abandon you, as sure as my name is Wilkins, If I don't, hang me."