FACETIÆ .

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 78, 7 August 1869, Page 6

FACE T IÆ .

Useful Domestic Cookery. — Maying both ends " meat." When is money damp ? "When it is dew jn the morning and mist at night, Who was the strongest man I—Jonah1 — Jonah : the whale couldn't hold him after he got him down. What would this world be without woman I—A1 — A perfect blank — like a sheet of paper -not even niled. An Eastern writer says :— " Whatever may be the age of the world, it is old enough to be better than what it is. Claret is made in America by allowing ■water to soak through the shavings, and ftdding thereto a certain proportion of logwood and tartaric acid. To make People " Smart." — Physicians in India raise blisters with red hot iron, and dress them with cayenne pepper. If such treatment does not make people " smart," we don't know anything that would. A Stump speaker in America, exclaimed, " I know no north, no south, no east, no west, fellow - citizens !" " Then," exclaimed an old farmer in the crowd, "It is tim.B you went to school and learnt jography." Lord Brougham once said he hoped a time would come when every man in England would read Bacon ; William Cobbet said he would be contented if a time came when every man in England would eat bacon. Josh Billings writes that "Philosophers aul agree that the milk is put into the kokornut, and then the hole is neatly plugged up, but who the feller iz who duz it, the philosophers are honest enough for a wonder, to- admit they can't tell." We find the following advertisment in the columns of a Ballarat paper :—": — " To Clergymen — Tenders are invited for marrying two or more couples at the Railway Hotel, Lydiard-street, on Tuesday, 19th inst. Tenders to be left at the above address." Tried and Acquitted. —A person looking over the catalogue of professional gentlemen of the bar, with his pencil wrote against the name of qne who was of the bustling OTder, " Has heen accused of possessing talents." Another seeing it, immediately wrote under, "Has fa,een tried and acquitted."

. Not Importunate. — Mrs Robertson (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, "with the reservation, "If lam spared."- " Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robertson, M if ye're dead, I'll no expect you.** Talking Spanish. — The Hjmpress of the French often sneaks and writes French incorrectly, Whenever she gets excited phe uses a great many Spanish words in Jter conversation, and when really angry she will at last only speak Spanish. The pervants at the Imperial Court, therefore, when saying, " The Empress has talked gpanisfy tq me ? " mean ** She ha,s scolded