AN ESSAY.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 78, 7 August 1869, Page 5

AN ESSAY.

BY A. MUGGINS, ESQ.

' "My dear Augustus," thus;*^** 8 an admirer, " why do you no* continue JsWfc charming effusion? ' which have W. delighted and instated aU your ►leadeis ? " and st^kted *?J *Jf 1 flattering (though^ited compliment) I once more incj> the labours and . the pangs of coum*^ 1011 - . , You are a > awar6 > m Y AeaT .™ds> tliat it ia?iv^ m J custom to skip irom any vs« e * possess more than another, it is $seness of reasoning ; so you mmvM expect me to discourse to vovLW all the topics of the day, from ih&m of libel and the new Hundreds Act sown to the municipal elections. Still' the latter subject does deserve gome comment. In common with every/other ratepayer in the municipality, I was * n?ered a requisition, but I declined \**h scorn. Avaunt, ye village .politi^ns, ye guiltless Cromwells, ana watflf-scheme Hampdens, for I nc ue of you. Yet, is it not stranw all this hubbub and bustle, this and wrestling, for an boidtir of the most shady, or shabbygrfiteel description. Eor myself, I Am opposed to the principle of popular Selection in municipalities; for has not nature bounteously set a mark upon those to whom such honours are in justice due? Popular Section! quotha, a fine to-do that would be, with lanky mayors, P^rveling aldermen, and the fivi*g[ skeleton a member of council. I'faith, I'll none of it; for the paupph is no less the symbol of municipf^ dignity than is the crown, ball, J^id. sceptre the prerogative of our sovereign lady the Queen. I propose, then, that in all future times, no ill feeling, no tiddlewinking occur, but that honest fat receive its fit apotheosis,' that the measuring-tape supersede the ballot-box, and greatness of girth be held to include all the cardinal virtues. " Let me have men about me that are fat; sleek-headed men, and puch as sleep o' nights; I like not this lean Cassius."

Apropos of fat, it seems a most mistaken fallacy to consider it always attended with dullness. What say you to our glorious friend, Sir John Palstaff, the merriest of knights, most lion-like of subjects? He lards the lean earth, his soul distills unctuous vapours, his wit shines with a glossy sleekness. He is first in the frolic, yet his heart is fresh and innocent; albeit it is buried beneath a mountain of blubber. He is our dear friend and comrade — the gay dispeller of many a fit of vapours ; and at last, like a tired child, he sinks to rest "babbling of green fields."

I am not fat myself— l work too hard for that; so that you needn't fancy me fishing for compliments. I am not only thin, but of the leanest ; and have indeed been defined as_a mathematical lifie," lefigtll " without magnitude. This is, however, said parenthetically ; for every one knows I am averse to digressions. What was it I began to write about? Oh ? I remember; I was just endeavouring to tell my courteous readers, that some days ago the whim seized me to rummage an old repository of mine. What strange things one does come across in such a quest. Old letters that once had all the oloom of passion, hope, or joy, now wizened and faded, absolutely unintelligible ; old plans and schemes, now forming paving-stones in the infernal regions ; scraps and pickings ; a faded flower or two ; a lock of hair (I wonder whose?) a few odd gloves, dirty and smirched, and bearing a waft of the tomb along with them. I wonder what manner of creature owned and delighted in these accumulations ? I know he was called Augustus Muggins, was said to be of an age seven or eight years younger than 1 now am ; but he was not, could not, be me. In this corporeal frame of mine, there is no atom that poor shadow of seven years agone possessed. Bus tissues have been used up ; the lips that were pressed so fondly on that lock of hair have mouldered long ago; the brain that schemsd and plotted over those dusty manuscripts, has been thought away for years ; this \poor dusty and decayed creature is but a reminiscence with whom 2" have no\other sympathy and connection thanvttie name. Supposing that namesake o^mine had committed a crime, had brought upon himself the rigours of the lay, with what justice could I be made i sufferer? 'The hand that let out life Wn its frail tenement was not the hand that traces those lines ; the treacherous tongue that betrayed a righteous cause wags not in this skull-piece of mine, but has gone off into some limbo of the. past. Yet he is a strange fellow this same shadow of mine, and I love to sit and call his spirit forth from the cerements of sciipt in which it lies imbedded— a fellow with much lightness of spirit, who seems to laugh at misfortune, save when he whines out doleful ballads to his mistress' eyebrowTaking him up at random, observe how he plays strange pranks before High Heaven, even under the afflicting hand pf influenza.

"I know not how it has come to pa&s, but assuredly our Britannic poets have neglected their most fitting subject for the epic muse. They have sung most things on heaven and earth, nay, haye 'even ventured to the infernal regions in search of fitting themes, yet 'what brings the fog and mist ' is ft realm us yet barely skirted by the

mws^enterprising. Now, in a country jtfkevQ everything is performed to the music of a perpetual sneeze, such an omission would be almost incredible, were it not unanswerably verified by the authority of all book-grubbers within the narrow seas. It is highly injurious to the national reputation that such a neglect should be allowed to continue, and I seriously recommend "Catarrh and cough, I sing" as a worthy opening for a great Saxon Epic. The first book of this production might advantageously treat of fogs, spring winds, with a few remarks on the nakire of draughts. Admiral Ktzroy's reports done into Tennysonian iambica — after the manner of the "Walk to the Coach" and "Enoch Arden" — would prove an instructive and facile method of filling up the required number of lines. The second book might be entitled "The Slight Cold" wherein the relatives and the friends of the patient should warn him in spondaic meter of the danger of neglecting a cold, instancing the sad case of Jack Jones, who, having heedlessly neglected a slight catarh, died ten years thereafter of 'delirium tr emeus. In this book a beautiful episode on the growth of blackberries and their conversion into jam, might be advantageously introduced. The third book, or " The Pocket Handkerchief," offers scope for much excellent discourse on the frail foundations of human happiness — a subject so admirably treated in the proverbial philosophy of our glorious Tupper, that no modern writer need be at fault for a magazine of, if not ideas, at any rate utterances. Having brought his hero thus far, our poet will find no difliculty in either giving a tragic termination to the epos by slaying him with consumption, cough o' the lungs, or medical attendance ; or it may joyously be wound up with Holloway's Pills and the Perfect cure. Herein I venture not to suggest, but leave the sketch to be filled in by more able hands." Eheu ! I wish I could laugh at the catarrh now!

]\£r. Deitek'sLettee. — The following is an extract from a letter, written by Mr. Driver, to Mr. Thos. Callender: — " Peple must have little to do to tronble themselves about it (his letter to Treweek), for, excepting that it is written to a poor ignorant old man in a style that he might understand (and, therefore, as to the composition not intended for publication), I have nothing else to be ashamed of; for I never had any dealings or understandings with Mr. Maeandrew that the whole world might not know. Those who induced the foolish old man to publish it have thought fit to put an entirely wrong construction on it, or rather connected it with the wrong matter. It had no connection with taking the run for outside settlement orJECundredsu but referred entirely to a few men — Brooks, M'Kinnon, and others — who had been allowed to illegally settle on the run, and with whom Treweek was at war ; and it was Mr. Macandrew's promise to go up with me and settle the whole affair that I referred to as keeping faith, and used the term to keep Treweek quiet, as his letters to me show. This should not in any way be used to prejudice Mr. Maeandrew, for I can truly say that, so far as my dealings with him have been, I have ever found him upright, honest, and just, both as Superintendent and Mr. Maeandrew." — " Evening Star."

Shocking- Occubuence is Stambotjl. — A tragical case of criminal hallucination occurred a few days ago in Stamboul. A rayah Greek dreamed that a heap of treasure lay buried in the plain of Veli Effendi, beyond the seven towers, but that to discover it he must kill a child on the spot. Saying nothing to his wife, he resolved to* sacrifice his own little daughter, a child of ten years. Proceeding, accordingly, to the school she had gone to, he took her away, and saying they would go for a walk led' outside the wall to a head of stones on the plain, where, holding her down on one large stone, with another he smashed her head, and then, close by the body, began digging for the expected gold. Of course nothing was found, and after some hours exploration he returned home, leaving the dead child where he had killed her. As she did not appear at the usual hour in the afternoon, the mother sent to seek for her, and was then told that her father had taken her away early in the day. On being questioned he answered incoherently, and this exciting the suspicions of a neighbour who happened to be present, the latter reported the affair to the police. The wretched man was then arrested, and after some further prevarication, made a fall confession. The child's body was found where he indicated, and he is now awaiting his trial in Zaptich. — " Leyant Herald."

Hottoway's Ointment and PiKs.— Additional Testimony. — For the cure of coughs, colds, and incipient consumption, this exoellent Ointment, rubbed upon the back and chest, aided by the internal use of Holloway's purifying Pilla, stands unrivalled. Mr. J. Leonard, ©f Benbulben Grange, Sligo, -writes :— " Sorry, sorry I am I did not use your Ointment and Pills in January last. The wondrous change they effected on me after one week's trial astonishes every one and encourages me to proceed till they have entirely cured my disease " This plainly expresses the power possessed by Hollpway's remedies in checking the course of these chest disorders which, when slighted or improperly treated, entail much suffering and end Unfavourably.