FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 77, 31 July 1869, Page 6

FACE T IÆ.

Many a philosopher, who thought he had an exact knowledge of the whole human race, "has been miserably cheated in the choice of a "wife. One qf the strangest roads by winch any man ever attempted to reach heaven was that of St. Simon Stylites, who for seven-and-thirty years lived on the top of a pillar. During the first four years it was six cubits high, for the next three it was twelve, then for ten years it was twenty-two, and for the last twenty it was forty cubits high. Pie was buried at Antioch.— " Comhill." The " Inverness Courier." says :—": — " I have heard of a chaplain to a union workhouse who preached to his congregation from the text ' Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth.'" Another contemporary says "We have heard of a Morayshire prison chaplain praying, f Carry us in safety to our respective places of abode,' after which the hearera were marched off to their cells." A Goo^» Advice, — A young la4y r<3 ~ pently gave a lecture, in which she said ; f ( Get married, young men, and be quick about it too. Don't wait for the millennium, hoping that the girls may turn to angels, before trusting yourselves with them. A pretty thing you'd be alongside an angel, wouldn't you— you brute? Don't wait another day, but write now — this very hour— and ask some nice, industrious girl to go into partnership with you to clear your pathway of thorns, and plant it with flowers;" A school in Massachusetts was under examination, when one of the examiners paid — " If I had a mince-pie, and should give three-twelfths to John, three-twelfths to Isaac, and should keep half the pie $o myself, what would there be left?" There was a profound study among the scholars, but, finally, one lad held up his hand as a signal that he was ready to answer. " Well, sir, what would there be left ? Speak up loud, so that all can hear," said the examiner. '-The plate," shouted the hopeful fellow. At the theatre a gentleman felt the pressure of two little airy feet upon his patent leathers. At first the sensation was delightful. It made inexpressible delightful ihrills pass through his body ; feut these sensations wore away, and the pressure began to feel the least bit uncomfortable. "Madam," he gently suggested, "you are standing on my feet." »' Your feet, sir." "Yes, madam." "Goodness ! I beg your pardon, sir : I thought J was standing on a block of wood. They are qui*e large enough, sir." " Quite ; put you covered 'em, madam !" . The Origin of the Hurdy-Gurdy.— -The Abbe Delebigne prepared a peculiar musi- ■ pal instrument for the delectation of Louis XI. He had a hamper made with a number of narrow compartments, thrust "■"• a live pig into each, and placed a cylinder stuck with points and turned by a handle, across. He then covered the internal arrangement carefully from view, and had " the machine carried into the royal presence. Pulling a very solemn face, he turned the handle, and the porkers squeaked like a hundred and fifty pairs of bagpipes, to the intense delight of the monarch —who then and there rewarded the deviser of this, the first hurdy-gurdy pn record, with half-a-dozen fat livings. —;' Comhill." A Witty Retort. —The common phrase, *' Give the devil his due," was turned very wittily by a member, of the bar of North Carolina, some years ago, qn three of his legal brethren. Dvring the trial of a case, Hillman, Dews, and Swain (all of them distinguished lawyers', and the last named, President of the State University) handed James Dodge, the Olerk of the Supreme Court, the following epitaph :— " Here lies James Dodge, who dodged all good, /'■" And never clotiged an evil ; And after dodging all he could, ; He could not dodge the devil •" Mr. Dodge sent back to* the gentleman $he annexed impromptu reply : — " Here lies a Hillman and a Swain, Their lob let no man choose ; They lived in sin and died in pain, And the Devil got his dues !" (Dews) A Synonym for Actors.— rln sojne of the provinces of Brittany, actors are held in great disrepute. An artist on a tour having had to deliver a document up to the prefecture of the town he was passing through, and having to fetch it before de-t parfcure, was told qn application to de.plare his profession. (l You know I am ( ~an actor," he answered. '■' Ah, true," exclaimed the official he addiessed. Then burning to the desk,- he continued — M .Joseph, get down the folio for vag%jt^nda, and turn to the letters T, which is