A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 75, 17 July 1869, Page 6

A C E T IÆ.

An old offender was lately introduced to a new county justice as John Simmons, alias Jones, alias Smith. "11l try the two women first," said the bull-headed justice ; " bring in Alice Jones." Pious Kest.— Ahard-working eminently pious woman once said " I don't want to go to heaven as soon as I die, but rather to sleep in the grave a thousand yeara or so, to get rested." A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, linipinc gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability, on which the mendicant said, " Ah, please your honour's honour, I wish your heart was as tender as your toes."

" Doctor, what shall I do to keep from hurting my nose when asleep?" asked a long nosed alderman of his physician, intending the answer to be a very funny one. " I think," gravely replied the doctor, " that you should have a few hinges made in it, so as Jo fold it up like a two-foot rule wheifyou go to bed." i With many women, going to church is little better than looking into a bonnet shop. Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic blackbird? Because ike Diet of Worms disagreed with him. Gold washing has proved so unhealthy an operation, that it may be truly ■ said there is but one step from the " cradle" to the grave. * . The following inscription is actually to be found in an ancient cemetery, in Pockville, Eastern Massachusetts :— " In memory of Jane Bent, Who kicked up her heels and away she went." Trimming Fruit Trees. — An Irishman was employed to trim some fruit trees. He went in the morning, and, on returning at noon, was asked if he had completed his work, "No," was the reply, " But I have cut them all down, and am going to trim them in the the, afternoon." A Practical Man. — A keen-witted merchant, who liked his cups, somewhat surprised his solicitous friends, by yielding to them and signing a temperance pledge. But to their horror, they saw no change in his ways. They remonstrated, as in duty bound, He defended his honour, and to wipe off all stain, produced the ] document which he had signed, asserting J that it was invalid, as it was without a stamp. Two gentlemen, noted for their fondness of exaggerating, were stating how they fared at their different hotels. One observed that atfhis hotel He had tea so strong that it was necessary to confine it in an iron vessel. *' At mine," said the other, " it is made so weak it has jiot strength to run out of the tea-pot." A keen politician, in the city of Glasgow, heard one day of the death of a party opponent, who in a fit of mental aberration, had shot himself. "Ah !" said he " gane awa' that way by himsel', has he? I wish that he had ta'en twathree days shooting ainang his friends before he went J" " I didn't say, your honour, that the defendant was intoxicated ; no, not by any means ! But thia I will say, when last I saw him he'was washing his face in a mud-puddle and drying it on the door mat, 11 ' A woman being enjoined to try the effects of kindness on her husband, and being fold that it would heap coals of fire on his head, replied that she had tried " boiling wa.ter, and it didn't do a bit of good." Advantages of Pemininity,-=-A wpiter thus discourses on the advantages and inconveniences attaching to femininity : — " A woman says what she pleases without being knocked down for it. She can take a sn.ooge after dinner, while her husband goes to work. She can go into the street without being asked to stand (l treat " at every saloon. She can stay at home in time of war', and get married again if her husband gets killed. She can wear corsets if too thiGk, and other fixings if too thin. She can get divorced from her husband whenever? sho sees one she likes better. She can get her husband in debt all over until he warns the public nofc to trust her on his account. But these advantages are balanced by the great fact %\iAb she qannot sing bass, go sparking, or climb a tree with any degree of propriety,"