FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 74, 10 July 1869, Page 6

FACE TIÆ.

What is the difference between a fisherman and a truant schoolboy I—The1 — The one baits his book, and the other hates his book, Poets — The wings on which poets rise are like the wings of a windmill — made of wood, and put in motion by — wind. A man lately died in Kentucky, so tarnatiously tall, that it took two clergymen and a boy to preach his funeral sermon. —^American Paper." A coachman extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed that "if any body was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian." A i retired actor, with a fondness for poultry, was asked why he named a favourite hen '-'Macduff." He replied that it was because he wanted her to (' lay on. ' A beegingletter, lately addressed to the Emperor Napoleon, began, " Sire, I received, under your late uncle, two mortal wounds — one at Wagram, the other in the leg."' ■ 'How many kinds of axes are there?" inquired a schoolmaster of one of his pupils. " The broad ax, narrow ax, iron ax, steel ax, ax of the apostles, and ax my father !" replied the boy with rapidity. " At what a rate that girl's tongue is going," said a lady, looking complacently at her daughter, who was discussing some subject of apparent interest with a handsome young clergyman. " Yes," replied arsatirical neighbour ; " her tongue is goIng at the cu-rate." A young lady married a man by the name of Dust, against the wishes of her parents. After a short time they lived unhappily together, and she returned to her father's house : but he refused to receive her, saying, " Dust thou art, and unto Dust thou shalt return." A countryman walking along the streets pf London found his progress stopped by a barricade of wood. ' ' What's this for ?" said he to a person in the street. "Oh, that's to stop the fever," said the countryman, " I've often heard of the Board of Health, but I never saw it before."

A woman having married unhappily, went to an old maid, who had been the. jntimate friend of her girlhood, and poured out her sorrow without reserve. f e I am sorry for you," said the sympathetic spinster ; ".I am sorry you got married." — " Thank you !" retorted the wife ; (t but I would have you $q know that my husband is better than none at A shopkeeper purchased of an Irishwoman a quantity of butter, the lumps of which, intended for pounds, he weighed in the balance, and found wanting. " Sure it's your own fault' if they are light," said Biddy, in reply to the complaints of the buyer ; " it's your own fault, air ; for wasn't it with a pound of your own soap I bought here myself that I weighed them with 1}?1 }?

A Quaker, on hearing a man swear at a particularly bad piece of road, went up to him and said — " Friend, lam under the greatest obligations to thee. I would myself have done what thou hast done, but my religion forbids it. Don't let my conscience, however, bridle thine. Give thine indignation wings, and suffer not the prejudice of others to paralyse the tongue of justice and long-suffering — ye,a, verily." A rich Bordeaux banker was troubled with a butler, a tried and faithful servant, who, like many other tried and faithful pervants, was his master's master. tf - This claret is no better this year than two years ago," observed the disappointed master to John. " Very likely," says ;*Fohn,"it never was my sort. Five years ago it waa at its best. ' You should have rtrank it up theft, gegosd.-ra.te 493't> P7 via k§ep&£r'*