FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 68, 29 May 1869, Page 5

FACE T IÆ .

Paper coffins, "perfectly air tight, waterproof, and damp defying," are the latest novelty.

A Cincinnati genius advertises for a situation, saying that " Work is not so much an object as good wages." Shooks says the reason that he does not get married is that his house is not large to contain the consequences. " Is that clock right over there V asked a visitor the other day. " Bight over there," said the boy, " taint nowhere else.

Pickles and Preserves. — "We're in a pickle now," said a man in a crowd. "A Regular jam," said another. " Heaven preserve us !" mourned an old lady. " Why does father call mother honey?" p.sked a boy of his elder brolher. " Can't say, except it's 'cause she wears a large gomb in her head." A gentleman one day observed to Herry £rskine 3 that punning was the lowest of ivit. •" It is," answered Erskine, and "therefore the foundation, of all wit."

Women are said to have stronger attachment than men. It is not so. A jnan is often attached to an old hat ; but .did you ever know of a woman having an (attachment for an old bonnec ? — Echo gnswers, " Never !"

Order of "Succession. — A Yankee pedlar in his cart overtaking another, was jiddressed, " Hallo ! what do you carry !" l i Drugs and medicine," was the reply. (i( i Go ahead," was the rejoinder, " I gall gravestones.

Episcopal Witticism. — The following firilliant sally of wit took place one day at Dr. Whately's dinner-table, between him and the present bishop of Cork, shortly after the consecration of the latter :— " If 1 do," replied John of Cork, •'-' I ought to be screwed/-'

As Bad as Another. — A wife wanted iier husband to sympathize with her in a feminine quarrel ; but he rex used, saying, £ ' I've lived long enough to know that one woman is as good as another, if not better." - " And I," retorted the exasperated wife, have lived long enough to learn that pne man is just as bad as another, if not irorse."

A Gamekeeper and his wife consulted the doctor of the parish as to the choice pf a "Bible name" for their son and heir. The doctor suggested " Nimrod," and the suggestien was acted upon. Somewhile afterwards auother son wa3 born. This time the parents chose for themselves, and as a match to " Nimrod" absolutely selected " Ramrod !" An American paper said, Becky BirchB.ud thinks it provoking for a woman who has been working all day mending her husband's old coat, to find a love letter from another woman in the pocket. To .yhich a contemporary answered : Perfect nonsense ; there is not a woman under heaven but would find the letter before she began to mend the coat — then it wouldn't be mended at all.

The Argumentum ad Hominem.- A fady, whose husband had for several Sundays following been jeeringly telling her that the great motive with women in gomg tq church was merely to display their at ]ast lost ail patience, and said to him : " Then, sir, I suppose the reason why you gentlemen so rarely come to church is because you cannot show your hats?" - ' " I am glad," said the Rev. Dr. Young to the chief of the little Ottawas, " that frou do not drink whiskey, but it grieves jne to find that your people use so much pf it." — " Ah, yes, s '" replied the chief, and he fixed his eye impressively upon the .doctorj "which communicated the reproof before he uttered it, " We Indians nse a great deal of whiskey, but we do not make it." One for Bismarck. —" Le Figaro " has $he following anecdote from Berlin :—: — {'At a recent Court ball, one of the fair queens of society, wife of a foreign diplomatist, was the object of Count Bispaarck's attentions, and many observed i-hat her beauty produced a great impression on the famous statesman. The Count, with that audacity of conquest is his especial characteristic, extended his hand to pluck without leave a iiower from the splendid bouquet which Jhe lady carried. She rapped his knuckles ther fan, saying, i Pardon, Monsieur mte, hut tljaj flower is noi $ German