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Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 61, 10 April 1869, Page 6

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How He Died.— What's gone of your husband, woman ?" What's gone of him , yer honour ? Faith, an' he's gone dead." " All ! what did he die of? Die of, yer honour? He died of a Friday." "I don't mean what day of the week, but •what complaint ?" Oh ! what complaint, yer honour ? Faith an' it is himself that didn't get time to complain." Oh ! lie died suddenly? Ra£her that way, yer honour." "Did he fall in a fit?" No answer. ' ' lie fell down in a fit, perhaps V " A fit, yer honour ? Why, not exactly that. He fell out of a window, or through a cellar door - I don't know what - they call it." "Ay, ay \ and broke his jieck V " No, not quite that, yer worfihip." " What then ?" There Tyas a, bit o' string, or tb&t like, and it throttled poor Mike." A Good Stomach required. — It is related that a clerk of a rural ohurch in England recently made the following announcement "to the congregation : — " You are desired to attend a meeting in t lie vestry, at four o'clock, to consider on the means of, 'eating the church and digesting other matters." Cure'for the Measles. — A lady, having p, conple of cldldren sick with the measles, wrote to a friend for the bes.t remedy, andby mistake received a recipe for making pickles, which, to her horror, she read aj? follows :— " Scald them three, or four times in very hot vinegar, and sprinkle them with salt ; and, in a few days they will be cured." The Greatest 'Don.— A Spaniard was boasting that a xsertain Don Carlos, of Spain was the greatest Don that ever lived, &c, when an ' Irishman said he , knew of one ten times as b,ig. " Who was |t?" quoth the Spaniard, — "The Mastodon," replied the Irishman, who remained master of the'field, till a Yankee swept „ '-- everything before him by "coming dowji" with the River Don as the biggest thing 4r. of the Don kind ever, known to man. A Ball struck a little boy in %he. .eye •last week ; strange to say the hcnol immediately came out of his niouth. A Trump. — A man, while playing cards fell off hia chair in a fit. After half a.n hour's application of> remedies, he recovered, and immediately inquired, " What are trumps ?" Bnnyan. — lies, on. being, told that Bunyan stands at the head of the allegorical writers, sagely remarked that he had always thought bunions were confined to the-feet. Head and Tail.— A well-known gossip having related a story of a horrible murder, in which the victim's head was severed from his. shoulders with a carving knife, wluch turned out to bo utterly •without foundation, a wag remarked "that there was no head cut off at all, it was only a tale. , ' * - What do yoti mean by a saw dentist ?" — " I mean a man who sharpens and repairs the teeth of saws '' A Question- for the Scientific Association. -Is the Dog Star a Skye terrier, or pnly a tarrier in the sky ? ' ' An eminent physician gives it as his opinion that more Williams are bom on quarter-day than on any other day of the , ■ year, inasmuch as one meets more " little - Bilk" then than at any other time.' A Logal Pun. — " Sir/* sttid a man defending rathor a notorious character, " I assure you.it. is. pure innocence." "I quite agtee with you," pepUed the, other ; • *' it is pure in-nq-stnse." A Rum Expedient. — A atudent at Trinity, Dublin, a man of considerable £bilityi who, buir'for a disposition to in- . dnlge in drink, would havo swept the. college of all its prizes, after repeated acts of -insubordination originating in this unhappy fault, calls \o the board, fines, jfcc, only escaped* formal jjustication by a pledge solemnly given to his tutor, accompanied by a conventiqnfthat ho was - to hjags the daily privileged one tumbler jfefpfc* 1 > jWfl^n^yer to Jbeje&'ceeded except if slf, Hf.-' f 4' '^keroughly soaked, when ail-!.! - « '"ten. Now he, not haVit*:, \ • .iii.:. • ■ -> the climate of hi« natn : --i-- i- r might have fairly pos=* »«od, v. ■ v:*> ■ ~ie idea of aiding nature, and nugLi, towards pix of an afternoon standir . lie steps jaf hut chamber, while his set • ?vith.a . watering-pot, performed the ./aft of Pluviua from a window overhead, after which he would return to the company, and beg thorn to note the condition he was iv, and Be able to bear testimony, if palled upon, that he was iv the predicament specified in the, act, and eligible for