MEN, BOYS, AND HOBBLE DEHOYS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 58, 20 March 1869, Page 5

MEN, BOYS, AND HOBBLE DEHOYS.

Br Diogenes the Younoeb. The Serious Young Man is an admirer of the sublime strains of Toplady, and is a general favourite with the frequenters of the meeting-house. He is a leading member of the- Young Men's Moral Association, and is generally supposed to be profoundly versed in all theological matters. His zeal is, unfortunately, much greater than his discretion, and he is very liable to be kicked by the person whose state of mind he takes an interest in. He is an excellent customer to the Religious Tract Society, and presents a "little entertaining and improving publication "to all he may meet. He carries on a religious courtship with a female of the same congregation, taking the language of his billet-doux from the song of songs, interspersed with choice quotations from the No. 4 collection. If he inai*ries, he probably I starts business as a moral greengrocer or converted cheesemonger, although ■ his customers do not find much dif- | ference between his charges, or the I quality of his goods, and those of his more worldly or profane rivals. More j often, however, the long-restrained. I passions break out with tenfold fury, and at once wreck the fair fame and piety of the unfortunate.

6. The Romantic Young Man has sucked inspiration from the "to be continueds" of our cheap literature. He has generally the misfortune to earn what he himself would call "a bitter crust " by one of the so-called genteel occupations. But his soul soars above drapery, and looks down upon the base pursuits of hosiery. He is conscious of heroic possibilities, ' and shoulders his yard measure as though it were the brand Excalibur. He is certain to be "a yolunteer, and his moustachios are more to him than an only child to" its mother ; nor js this simile far-fetched, as the component hairs are generally solitary units. lie spends unheard-of sums in Macassar oil, and is in continual correspondence with the gentlemen who advertise* the tempting 4 uel 7 — " TOU want a luxurious crop of hair or whiskers ? " He dresses after the heroes of his favourite literature, and cultivates a Byronian melancholy. He adores a mysterious female, whom he follows in a manner suggestive of gunpowder plots, murder, treason, and sudden death, He hints that a dark cloud overshadows his life, and is fond of bidding melodramatic farewells to his friends. 'Tis pity all these vondroxxs arts should only bring ridicule on the victim of romance : that a prosaic nineteenth century should persist in seeing Borne Blight difference between an ell-wand and a claymore. The mysterious female whom he worships is discovered to be a sentimental dressmaker, whose ideas of happy wedlock ate confused with visions of four post.

horses and a visit to that most fabulous locality, Gretna Green. She writes most exquisite poetry^ into which she omits, however, to put any meaning : and quite believes that the fates oppose the union of the Romantic Young Man and herself. Has he not often said he Was born the child of despair, thd sport of the elements? and does not his tremendous frown convulse — with laughter — all on whom it may be inflicted ? The pursuit of romance behind a counter is attended with difficulties and dangers. Nor is the commercial mind qualified to appreciate or condone inroads on the till, caused by a love of literature or desire for display. So our friend has very often to skedaddle, and seek protection from the police in the arms of the " millingtairy." He fills the oflice of " defendiour and saviour " to the great satisfaction of innumerable nurserymaids, one of whom he marries ; buys his discharge, and establishes a mangle. Such is the fate of youthful romance, which, by a wise regulation of nature, supplies humanity with manglers. 7. The Young Man Who is Bound to Get On has the most praiseworthy love and esteem for one beloved object—himself. His sole aim in life is to place this 8.0. in a position worthy of its high qualities ; and for this he does not hesitate at any sacrifice or hardship. He is far above the contemptible weaknesses called friendship or love, and regards the virtues as only useful when they may be available for purposes of deceit. He denies himself all pleasure for the sake of hoarding the means of obtaining all pleasures when old age has removed all desires ; yet ho is not an unreasonable creature, but a necessary link in the chain of society. Were the bees aware of the fate that awaits them when they have filled their hive, do you think they would continue to labour, persist in refusing the temptations offered by sunshine and flower, for the sake of affording kitchen to the bread of the human race ? They work, work, work, without ceasing, all unconscious of brimstone or chloroform ; and it is quite as difficult for a young man to actually realise himself old, as it is for any living creature to think of itself aa dead^ The Young Man "Who is Bound to Get On thinks, perhaps, of some happy time when, having attained the object of his ambition, he may rest on his oars ; but to-morrow is a goal the wayfarer nevei' reaches. The heart, corroded by its own selfishness, grows more and more callous ; the love of gain for its own sake, the vanity of success, feeds on itself, and the noble result is the perfect mall of commerce, the worthy fellow of the illustrious Daniel Dancer. His whole existence is a plot. He does generous actions, not from generosity of purpose, but on the principle of venturing a sprat to catch a mackerel : his very charity is the result of a calculation. Worldly success is certain to crown his efforts ; applause will attend his onward career ; but to obtain this he sacrifices everything that makes life pleasant: throws away the gifts of the nobler gods for the base worship of Plutus. He is prosperous and envied ; yet, I for one would sooner die in a ditch, or, more awful fate, dra°f on a miserable existence in the workhouse, than change places with the orient Croseus.

8. The Young Man "Who is Bound to go to the Dogs is the social antithesis of the Young Man WKo is Bound to Gret On. His whole life is a perpetual scrape, and his talent for getting into trouble is only rivalled by the extraordinary luck with which he escapes just by the skin of his teeth. He is what is usually called a good fellow, or a jolly dog, and is generally agreed to be nobody's enemy but his own. He gets the fairest chances, and is often in a position where the making of a mull is an artistic and delicate operation. Still, whatever he cannot do, he can make a failure, and has even been known to be euchred with both bowers and the ace in his hand. In short, his star must have been a comet — a bull is excusable on St. Patrick's Day — and. moves in an eccentric orbit. He is generally liked, but never respected ; is called by his Christian name by every one, and not accorded the title of Mister by the meanest beggar. Although, like the cat, he always falls on his feet, he just escapes with a whole skin, and certainly does ijot accumulate lining. Poor Bill, or Dick, or Tom, let his abilities or opportunities be what they will, is bound to fail £n everything ; and were it not for the yery extent of his bad luck, would sink under a load of misfortunes to which death would prove a pleasant termination. Poor fellow ! his mischances are sad enough without turning them to ridicule ; bo let us turn his picture to the wall.

in the district-visiting line, although here his zeal was found greater than his discretion, for he was actually inexperienced enough in the good work, to fancy food and clothing better remedies for want and despair than good counsel and broadsheets. On him also had the charms of Miss Harcus made some impression, thereby occasioning great uneasiness to his entertainer. A slight coldness was the result, which Smith had not penetration enough to observe. The remaining characters with whom we shall have to do, may be left to introduce themselves. These are Dr. Sopor, minister of the kirk, Bishop Snifter, of the Scotch Episcopal Church, the rev. Mr. Spitfire of the Frees, and Father Rose the Catholic Priest, among our clerical acquaintances ; and Mr. Quig the draper, Mr. Bluff the butcher, ex* Major of Militia Turkey the town swell, and daft Jock the town idiot among the laity, whom in the course of the following pages we shall meet now and again.