FACETIǼ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 49, 16 January 1869, Page 6

F A C ETIǼ .

4 0 "Polly, dear," said a loving husband to his spouse, who was several years his junior, " what do you say td Settling at the Cape?" "Oh, I'm delighted with the idea! You when Morgan went out there he was as poo)r a3 Ware, and he died in three yeaus worth two thousand jjounds 1 " '' -• \ A Sharp" Transaction. — A gentleman at A fancy fair, lately, being solicited to buy ijometliins by a young lady who kept a stall, said he wanted to buy something that was not for sale — a lock of her hair. She promptly cut eff ther coveted curl, and received the sum asked for it, namely, five guineas. The purchaser was showing his trophy to a frend. " She rather had von," said the friend ; "to my certain knowledge she only paid three guineas for the whole wig.'* ' • '

Hints ov Personal Appbarakob. — The nails should be cut or bitten tolerably short. Painters and caricaturists frequently permit the left thumb-nail •to remain long, as it serves them to take Bketcb.es of life aftd 1 manners} upon, and laves th* expense of paper. 1 ' Indian fanatics haver been known occasionally to remain with the "hand closed "until the nails have penetrated them through and through. ■ This, Jioweve, is a practice that gives little satisfaction to themaelvßs, and none whatever to anybody else. The human elbor is a beautifully constructed fabric, but ifc should never be visibly obtruded wotfgh s. hole in the coat. The Jjcnee-pan also— or jsgfoHd— tfrough equally curious in formatfoa 1 ,- should remain a jayst«ry for the- genwa| >public. The boot, as *jfe' present consUtmedj is a torture Worthy of the Inquisiti^ntin its most genial times. From this horrMe instrument we proceed by degrees to a state of comparative cottrfort ; the shoe — ike slippar*— the- golosh f Goloshe3 are objected to by many> on the score of drawing She feet ; but a weH^dfawn foot is a rare aril

cliarming specfcacler Hats should be worn - mow on the-baok of the head than at

present, so that they may exhibit the frontal derelopement, and keep the bfainj>an in a state of pleasant warmth. The ' Custom of sleeping in a hat is injnrions to health, as it prevents the head from reposing flat 6ri the pillow, and gives. rise to disturbing dreams. — " Fun." A Yankee Advpoate. — The following

kpacimen of a spread-eagle lawyer's plo- - quence needs no comment : — "Gentleman faf the jury, the Scripture saith, ( T^ou AaU *iot kill V Now, if you hang toy client, yop transgress the command as tlidt as' grease, and as plump as a goose «gg itt. a. loafer's . face. Gentlemen^. aaarder isittttrder, wtethe* committed by ttrelve or an humble individual - like my client having killed a man] bat is " thai »ny reasq^ -iWiy y&u 'should' do so ? No«ach thing, gentlemen ; you may bring the prjaoner jn -guilty ; the hangman may \ doh^ duty ; but that will not exonerate \3roa. ' thing- In that case yon " >B bemiiriteiert. Who among you is «a? rf A^SL*l brwd of Cain to be not/ib^i^k^ ' J?2* Pledge iray word dgar-casea^rfdtHf^^ * he Plumes of the tobacco of rectilS o ' . To^T 0^ peaceM conscience; B^j^** 16 P^ **-^ Innate client, and the TscilPS "I 7 tmfor-j-aiaoree toll gallop througJ^P 1^ 1 ** 9 °* principal auiraal viscera, nntat inte^ n~vertebras of your anatomical com. "P 1 ?*" is turned into a railroad for the gr2^ 1O j «wy gnWina <rf despair. Geutlemiu pewareof committing | Beware, I say, of meddling -with 'the* eternal prerogative I gwifleaiM, I adjuxfe you, by tna manumrtte<i&*Uoi tesipxiral society, to do nTT - fntirdM? I «,dJTTe -you by the nanls df Foraan, tbe nuip.spriiiif «f «w«twiin<r <rf , Trme^ raeoMkV^il xaigratjoa, tojlo no mnrd«ri X adjare you Iff fche loveywt h*re for ewaSent and fc rtuUmsntaJ guslo of mt native pnmpkin, t»,4«* r& nrbcdnf •» i-ds«re voxv */ fee pat* tat »)» i^ ftjtJXL ©tw%i» vt y<Jor «?u»Mipat«*-(iS3^ry--J adjuro you by raTAmencan mA^JbxX whipped the' t^ (sreation. Mid now fe yy f MM ° U " tai " ***>—'*, X m an. if you ever pxpeot to he sLvMhm« but a*et of sneakiqg, ioafing, Wscajiv but* g«t«Jed domi to fndisfinctibiliry, .»cq n it ms%* *** emitted. *