FACETIE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume 1, Issue 41, 21 November 1868, Page 6

FACETIE.

,To - o . „ -t Toll not, your secrets in a cornfield — it lisa, thousands of oars. Mean souls, like mean pictures, are often found in good-looking ffwnts, A woman is not fit to have a baby who doesn't Imow.how to hold it ; and this is true of ft tniigiio as of n baby. Jones (heartless fellow !) says the only patting flint ever troubled him, is the parting of his back hair. If this world is ft free show, what's the price of admittance? Sin,. sorrow, a small trifle of and a , good <Jpal of shadow. » The m»n Jfflio imagined himself "wise lie Motectod some typographical errors in a newspaper, has been trying to get a perpendicular view of the rainbow. The man who niatle a shoe for the foot of a mountain, is ,now engaged on a hat for five head of a discourse— after which he "will manufacture a plume for General Intelligence. A young lady being asked by a feminine acquaintance . whether, she had any original pootry in her album, replied, "Xo; but some of my Mends have favored me with original spelling." A country schoolmaster thus describes n money-lender :—": — " He serves yon in the present tonse.; ho lends you in the conditional mood ; lceeps you in the , subjunctive ; anoVmins you in the future ! " -• Mrs. fitzdragon had been waiting to visit Higtigate Cemetery, and ihe other day she sai.4 to her hnsband, " You have aavep-takon me to the pemetery . " " jJJ o, iWry ' said he, " that is a pleasure I have yot had only "in anticipation:" A traveller, relating his adventures, told the company that ha and his servant made fifty- wild Aral^s run ; which, startling themT he observed that there was "no great merit in thq,t, " for," said he, "we ran, aud they ran after us." True to ja Hair.— A. somewhat juvenile d:mdy si^il to a fair partner at a ball, 11 Don't jOu think, miss, my moustacldos 'are becoming ? " To which- «he replied, *• Well, sir,' they niayfte coming, but they have not yet arrived." Shirking the Question. — Master : Whaur was the text the day ? Jock : I dinna ken ;. i was awer lang o'^gaun in. Master: What was the conclusion? Jock: I dinna ken-;, J^-pain' oot afore he was done. Master : What did he say about the Hfiddle o't, then ? Jock : I dinna ken ; "Titkepit a' the time. • ■ Not so Green. -At a supper-table Tra board one, of the* Mississippi boats, a Boston exquisite said to a raw Jonathan seated by nis side, whom he wanted to &and-hini *fee butter, "Buttali, sah ! " "1 see it is,." replied Jonathan. "JJuttah ; sah, I say 1 " fiercely repeated the dandy. " " I know it — very good, a firstrate, article." " Buttah, I tell you ! " thundered the dandy, in louder tones. 1 ' Wall, gosh, all Jerusalem, what of it ? " now yelled the downcaster, getting up his dander.'in. turn.,. l _'.Yer .didn's think 1 took if for lard?" ' Maxims for Husbands. — Resolve in the mofniiis^to 6e patient and cheerful during the day.^ Laugh heartily on finding all the buttons off your sHirfe — as nsual. Say, merrily, " Boys will be boys, 1 * when you discover that the children have emptied =tne" contents of the water- jug into your boots.' Ori*- gashing your chin with a razor, remember that beauty is -fcutr Bkirf deep'; >and in -order to divert yonf-tfeugbte^fronr the pain, recite a speech JErom '^Hamlet," or indulge in one of ihe harmonies of your native land. " If breakfast is no&ready fox you, chuckle and grin- pleasantJy-at the menials ; remembering .that a many heart is a continual feast ; and go to your daily- business with a pleasant smile. • Yankee Speed. — An Englishman, boasting ol^fche aoprriority.of t^e J^ott^Jn his ootmtryt mentioned that the celebrated Eclipse Eaff Son at mile in a minute. ~ : " My,£Qod fellow Jr" exclaimedan American present, " that is less than the average rate 'of out common 'roadsters. I Mfv» at myd^ißkyt'eeat^ii&xt Fhfladel- . phia'; and^rhenlrideina hnrry to town of a monung, inyown shadow can't keep np wifiTme, but generally comes' into the •♦atthonse to find me from a minute to a minute and a half after my arrival. One morning the beast was restless, and I rode *_ lum «s haxd as I possibly .could .several times ronnd a large factory — just to take the old Harry ont of him. Well, sir, he -veot so fast that the whole time I saw my tack directly before me, and was twice in danger of riding over my tdf ! n Thjß Miller's Portrait. — A worthy miller, 'Visbing for a portrait of himself, applied to ft painter tp bare it accomplished. . •* Birt, w «aid nei '• I'm a very industrious " muni J want a^e paiste4 *» looking ont of my naill wntdow ; but wben any one looks at me I wish to pop my head m, so as not to be thongbt lazy or to be spesdiz^ too much time at. the window," - "Very well, " said the painter; "it shall "Be done." Be painted tiie mill and the jnill vindow. The miller looked at it. .Z.JGtQTvtiL* tw& be. "Bai there's . mpdt looking ont 1 » " On ! * said % jaioter, " w-bjenever anyone looks at tHe vailf joxfkoaw jou pop your bead in, of course, to preserve yonr credit for indmttj, i'Th&'nngkb" said the miller. min I #n'tli Justto—