FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 33, 26 September 1868, Page 5

F A C E T I Æ.

JL Motto for Sixteen-ftone Men.— Cut it, fat. Can *ny one di-ih.« tho exact width of n mri'ov escape ? Useful Recipe. — To keep water out, use pitch ; to keep it in, mo a pitcher. Remember Thia. — " A light heart lire* lokr," and this, " care killed a cat," Th; man who made an impression ou the Jiesi-t of a colju-:lte has tuken out a pafreiit for stone-cutting. A man said the on^y reason why his dweiliig wag not blown awsy in ft late »torm was t«causß there wa« a heary mortgage on it. Colonel Christy asls, Why is the stem of a vessel le »ving port like an uncivil gentleman ? md Euawers, Because it never returns a" bow. The concluding words of a.Ut*h obituaty notice arc Tory fafjuitie : "He loaves thirteen widow* aud fifty-four children to niouru.hia

Cynical. — A tobacco manufacturer advertites a new brand as " ladies' delight." Our cynical friend wishes to know if that isn't the #ort th#y. make into'widow's weoda. • Typographical.--" The great admirer of Atoei's bard," who inquired wheve the following pntsqge i« found, ." Is that a f that 1 CBimc?" 13 informed that it may bo found in Macbeth, wh^s> uiurdurous t33T put a . to 1 Dur.cn. : ' A irhnufaeturer'dawn west- h ring got by pome accident a cu*..-»'toi3 tho noso, and having no court plaster at lian-1, stuck on his unfortunate prnboMS one of his gum liuke 8, on ■which was tho usual intimation — "Warranted 850 yards long!* A young Inly wns (old by a marriod lady that she had better precipitate herself from [Niagara Falls into tho basin bene.it h than jn-trry. The young lady replied, " I would, if I thoMght I could g-jfc a hiwband at the bottom." A little four-jear-okl child in Portland tohl hia father he iraa a* fool. On Ving reprimanded by Ihb mother, and required to cay his vat sorry, ho toddled up to the insulted parent and exclaimed — •'Pupa, I'm sorry you's a fool." A newly ""married ranii down eatt says, if he* had nn inch more of happiness he could not posiiibly lire. His wife is obliged to roll him on the floor and pafc him with a hricsbat every iiaj, to keep him from being too b;ippy. While Thelwell ffai on tvial at tho Old _, 3ailey, forliigh tn'wen, he wrota the following note, aud sent it to h's counsel :—" Mr. Xrekine, I am determined to plead my cau^e myself." Mi # . Ershiao wrote under it, 'If tou do you'll be hanged.' To which Thelwell kpiied, " lM bo hanged then if I do." j Sidney Stnilh tells of a maid who- used to | boil eggs very well by hv'r master's watch, but one day, a? he could not lend it to hor because it iriu under repair, she took tho time from •• thu kitchen clock, and tho ' e*vo cama up - nearly raw. •• Why didn't you take the three • minute* from the clock us you do from tjhe watch, M'jij ? " " Well, sir, I thought "that it would be, too much, as the- Lnnda are so . much larger." A little oolo&d boy. who tvaj cry-ng in the <s:r»et, was asked by a geist!«:nin what the trial U>r was. .Thu following is tho young frbony't .reoly :^r'\l)o matter's 'nuff— doub.'e {rouble all obcr do house. Fador am C'uuk, cmdder am gouo homo wi J de cloze, s : 8» broke * tie ipohins-fiiass wid <Je broom-stiok, dejbaby hab >;ot her ey*s full of kyan pepper, arid little Pete Wood put do mustard on -do hair for gooß9 grf&se. I put salt in my t»i fur. white # ugar wat madder ha 3 when Professor Hunnibel comes to see her, and it made ma tee-sielt. X>a dog lioka I Pots' j face, an 1 got his mouf full ob da muttard, and lies under do bed s liowpng. l)d kit to^' got he head iv do niijfc pot, *nd I cut hor liod off- to txro tko pitcher, pud don I had to bre^k de pitcher to get the fce&d oaf, *aad v 'de "way I'll get licked wheu Qi'udder C"iu96 iKntrc for rf^n^ <J» b-^J «v fi«

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