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Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 31, 12 September 1868, Page 5

An instructor in a school for young ladies in Berlin his been discharged because he gave ns a subject for essays, " Sentiments and feelings at the sight of an officer of cavalry."

A person inquired at one of the railway s»ations i what time the 7.45 train would stnrt, and was told at a quarter *o eiirhl> "Bifssmp," he exclaimed, "you are always changing the time on this line."

An Irishman, being at a tnvern where the cook was dre*sing'some carp, observed some of them move alter they were put into the pan, which very much surprised Teague. '• Well now, faith," said he, "of nil the creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead."

'- Nine, sir,'* observed a social scourge. " I can speak nine languages distinctly, but my father, when alive, could speak no lees than fifteen." •' Ah !"Teinark«d Poualas Jerrold. "I knew a man wlio could s eak five-and: twenty, and he never said anything worth hearing in any of thetnl"

A Dangerous Gift. — The last possessor of the watch, which wa* the cause of-Barring-ton, the pickpocket, being transported, has bequeaihed it to the South Kensjngton Museum. 'Curio.iities of this sort giv« so much delight to visitors, that, not improbably, the watch in question wuTseud some into a transpott a second time.

Gardening for Ladies. — Make up your bed 8 early in the morninjj ; sew buttons on yomhusband's shirts; do not rake up any grievances-; protect tha young and tender branches of your family ; plant a smile of good temper in your face, and carefully root out all angry feeling, and expect a good cro,p of happiness.

A London paper says, " A young lady who has lately written a pleasant little volume in Norway, describes her delight, on meeting ar an hotel an American lady, who, like many of her countrywomen, was very beautiful ; but the writer was disenchanted us, in pa>eing a bowl of gold-fish, the Yankee belle called out through her nose, 'Eh! pa! ain't they sloimy ?' l>

Questions of Time.— What is the difference between the minutes of a meeting and the seconds of a duel ? Is it correct t 0 give tick to a watchman? Is it an anomaly that winding up a watch should mane ife go, and winding up a company always.stops it ? Is it imprudent to tell a secret in fche presence of a repeater? Should you strike a clock when it is down, and when a clock strikes should you hit it again ?

A Great Disappdintmen*. — -Care should be taken by newspaper editors not to mislead the public by the employment of equivocal titles. A paragraph headed '• Spirit Movements^" lately appeared in "The Times," and attracted a great number of reactors,^ who ex pected to find in it some information about the doings of Mr. Home and his followers. They came upon nothing more elciting than dry statistics of gin, rum, auo brandy.

Wash and be Clean. — Abernethy once said to a rich but dirty patient who consulted him about an eruption-: — " Let your servant bring you three or four pails of water, and put it into a washtub ; take off your -clothes, get into ir, and rub yourself well with soap and a rough towel, and you'll recover." " This advice seems very much like telling me to wash myself," said the patient. " Well," said Abernethy, "it may be open to such a construe*

Wanted for our Museum.— A lady, goodlooking, twenty-fire years of age, without a a shadow of matrimonial longing. A young man who wants a situation in which salary will be an object. A man, thirty-fire years of age, who, while on the street during a windy day, nerer thought of such'a tiling as ankles. Tlie native-born American policeman now on 'duty' in this city. Revival converts of two years' standing. A man who does not hink himself equal to taking chnrge of a newspaper.

■" San Francisoo New-Letter."

4 French actress, more celebrated for her beauty and her frankness than for her intelligence and her virtue, was in the habit of attributing her inconsistency te her bud luck. "The moment I become really attached , to anybody," she used to say, " I am certain to be introduced to somebody else whom I like better."

A countryman took bis seat at a tavern table .opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to ifc with the gentleman's glass. v " Ihat'» cqol t tt^xd^p^ r the owner of tlitfi&ine, indignantly, replied the other ; " I should think there was ice in it." '