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Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 24, 25 July 1868, Page 5

What sort of fish would a publican wish to marry ? — A barbel. " Let us be collected,'* as the water rate said to the income tax. — "Judy," What is the difference between a special constable and a superannuated constable ? — The former's sworn in, the latter 's worn out. —"Fun." . tf a burnt child dreads the fire, why does a person who has Been singed by Cupid's torch so often have a lingering regard for the old flame? A little boy who was praised for never taking his eyes off the preacher, answered with all simplicity — " I wanted to see how near he was to the end." A dilapidated wit observed, on the morning after a debauch, " Had Leander practised swimming, witYi lialf tVie perseverance of my head, he'd never have been drowned." An Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a huge scar on bis head, -which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory. If a retired pork-butcher were to invest his savings in land, in what districts would he most professionally mase his purchases ?— ln the hams of Worcestershire and the chines of the Isle of Wight.—" Judy." An old general used to ask his servant, "John, what sort of morning is it?" — "A slibbery, slobbery morning, sir," replied John. — " Then close the curtains, John, and call me at this time to-morrow, if it be fine," said the general. * A beggar in Dublin, -who had been a long time besieging an did, gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refnsed his mite with much irritability, said one day, " Ah, please your honor's honor, t wish your heart were as tender as your toes. 5 ' A cynical old bachelor, who firmly believes that all women have something to say on all subjects, recently asked a female friend, — "Well, madam, what do you hold on this question of female suffrage ?" To him the lady responded", calmly, "Sir, I hold my tongue." "Do you call yourself a gen'elman P" said an Oxford bargeman to a Cnristchurch man, who, ftom the opposite side of the Ciiarwell, had beaten him to a standstill, in slung. " I do," replied the gownsman. " Then I'm blowed if I arn't a lord," exclaimed the bargee. Scott and a Scotch Lady. — Mrs. Murray Keith, a venerable Scotch lady, from whom Sir Walter Scott derived many of the traditional stories and anecdotes wrought up in his admirable fictions, taxed him one day with the authorship, which he, as usual, stoutly denied. " What !" exclaimed the old lady, " dye think I dmna ken my aih groats amoug other folks' kail ?" ' CuiiiNAßY Recipes. — How to niake a sausage roll : Let it tumble down stairs. — To dress a goose : Any old clothes will do, with a fool's cap on his head. — Tongue : Quarrel with the cook, and you will get lots of it. — Tart : You will get a tart reply if you contradict your wife. — Jams : Colonial jams may be got at an auction held in a small dwelling, and- also at any other place likely to be crowded. — Brine : For pork, use smellingsalts ; for beef, Epsom salts. Let the meat remain in pickle for a month, and a nice pickle it will be in. Ibish FEETiirir itf Excuse Makujgk — An Englishman, travelling in Ireland, remarked to the driver of a coach upon the tremendous length of the Irish miles. " Confound your Irish miles ! Why, there's no end to them !" —Sure, sir," said the coachman, " the roads are bad about here, and so we give good measure."