MISCELLANEOUS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 18, 13 June 1868, Page 1 (Supplement)

MISCELLANEOUS.

There was once a very crusty old bachelor who, whenever he saw among the list of deaths that of & woman, was wont to exclaim — 11 Thank goodness, there's another of 'em gone." "Tak' notice," shouted the Inverary bellman, " that the poat for Glasgow will sail on Monday morning, God willin' and weather permittin', or on Tuesday, whether or no," A gentleman who had a very deaf servant was advised by a friend to discharge her. " No, no," replied the gentleman, with much good feeling, "that poor creature cotild never hear of another eituation." "Patrick," said a priest to an Irishman, " how much hay did you steal?" "Well," replied Pat, "I may as well confess to your rivirence for the whole stack, for my wife and I are going to take the rest of it on the first dark night." Giants.— The "Pall MaU Gazette," in a review of Edward J. Wood's book on "Giants and Dwarfs," says: — "Henrion, a French Academician who lived at the commencement of the eighteenth century, is said to have computed, on what data we are not told, Adam to have been 123 feet 9 inches in height ; Eve, 118 feet 9£ inches in height; Noar, 27 feet; Abraham, 20 feet ; and Moses, 13 feet. So rapidly, according to this writer, did the human race degenerate, that had not the Creator seen fit to revise his original scheme, man long ere the present day would have shrunk to infinitesimally small dimensions. The conclusion at which we have arrived, after studying critically the long list of giants catalogued by Mr. Wood, is, that there are no valid grounds for supposing that the hnman race has diminished in size since . the palmy days of the Garden of Eden, or that any race of giants now existed, or has ever existed, on the face of the earth. Science has long demonstrated that what were once supposed to have been the bones of men of enormous statue are either the remains of antediluvian and extinct animals, or fragments of elephants and whales ingeniously worked up for purpose of imposture; and it is unquestionable that no proof can be adduced that any living man ever exceeded, or even attained, the height of nine feet. Indeed, scarcely any of the mendacious handbills and advertisements referred to by Mr. Wood claim those whose pretensions they set forth that altitude." Getting Out qf a Difficulty. — Two American preachers were on the same platform. One of them, who was preaching, happened*to say, " When Abraham built the ark " The other, who was behind him, ventured to correct his blunder, by saying, "Abraham wasn't there." But the speaker pushed on, and only took occasion shortly to repeat still more decidedly, '* I say, when Abraham builj; the auk-: — » » And I say," cried the other, "Abraham warn't there." The preacher was not to be put down in this way, and, addressing the people, exclaimed with great emphasis, " I say Abraham was thar or thardbmits." — " Macmillan's Magazine." It appears that the gold and silver plate at Windsor Castle for the use of her Majesty and the Cour^, weighs nearly thirty tp ns > an^ that its value maybe roughly estimated at £8,000,000. It is secured in fltqne chambers with vaulted ceilingß, ' " f

<f They're always giving things different resignations from what they used to have," said Mrs. Pa?tington to Ike. "In my opinion, what they call new ralgia is catamount to the old rheumatiz." " Now, boys, this is a whale," said a schoolmaster. Can you tell me what he does with all he swallows?" " Please, sir, he spouts it," said a smart boy, whose father was a pawnbroker. A "Saucy" Request. — "I am come for the saw, sir." "What saucer ? " " Why, the saw, sir, that you borrowed." "I borrowed no saucer." " Sure you did, sir ; you borrowed a saw, sir." "I never saw your saucer." " But you did ; there's the saw now, sir." " Oh, you want the saw ! Why didn't you say so ? " " Why do you set your cup of coffee on the chair, Mr. Jones ? ** said a worthy landlady one morning at breakfast. "It is so very weak, ma'am," said Jones, "I thought I would let it rest." An editor became martial, and was created captain. On parade, instead of "two paces in front — advance ! " he unconsciously bawled out, " Cash — two dollars a-year — advance ! " Horace Walpole says a tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin, but presently began to excuse himself, saying that he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.