LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF A SCAPEGRACE.

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 231, 14 February 1885, Page 3

LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF A SCAPEGRACE.

A Temperance Lecture a^d its Results,

f : A Monster Temperance Meeting will be held in the T«wn Rail on Tuesday, 12th May. -Addresses will be given by the Revs. J. Layman, E. Cooke, and W. Hawkins, D.D. Any strangers on a visit to Ballarat desirous of addressing the- meeting are requested to inform the Rev. Dr Hawkins, at St. John's Rectory." . , ... Such was the notice that attracted the attention of Jack Larkins, on his arrival at Ballarat. Jack Larkins, our scapegrace hero, happened to be in a frame of mind which could accommodate itself from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter, both inclusive; he therefore decided that he would have a " lark." Accordingly, ho went into a ready-made clothes shop and came out a short time afterwards with a parcel under his arm. Towards evening our hero, dressed as a clergyman, called on the Rev. Dr Hawkins and sent up a card bearing the inscription " Rev. J. Davies,"' 1 and, having been shown into the doctor's study, he explained to that gentleman that he wished to aid the great cause of temperance by delivering an address on that subject. Dr Hawkins asked our hero if he were a teetotaller, to which he replied: "I have been a total abstainer for some little time, now." This was a strictly true statement; he might have said "a very little time "—in fact, the exact time was as near as possible three-qu;;rters-of-an-hour. After some further conversation the Rev. Dr Hawkins stated that he was delighted at having secured the co-operation of our hero for the meeting of the following evening. The following evening our hero entered the hall a few minutes before the time to commence, and, as he had not decided on what he should say, took his seat at the back of the hall, with a view to gleaning a few facts from the previous speakers, and framing his remarks upon them; but JJhomme projiose, Dieu dispose, made its truth felt on this occasion, for, when the reverend doctor and his fellow clergymen came on to the stage, the former gentleman saw our hero and beckoned him to take his place on the platform ; our hero, however, took care not' to see the doctor's signals, and that gentleman, at length, walked up to him arid led him up to the stage. Having introduced him to the clergymen on the platform, the Rev. Dr. Hawkins announced to the audience that the Rev. Mr Davies, lately arrived in England, would open the meeting by giving his views oii the subject of temperance. Our hero attempted to expostulate, but was informed that it was an invariable custom for all strangers to speak first. Jack, finding that there was no way of getting out of it, pretended to be very nervous at first start, in order to give himself time to think. He accordingly commenced in the following'manner: "My dear friends (handkerchief), I hope that you will excuse (violent cough.) will excuse (handkerchief) any inadequacy (he here clears his throat and recovers his selfpossession) with which I treat this most important subject, as I must confess that I have not given it the due amount of consideration which, it deserves. As it may be interesting to many of you here to follow the progress of the cause of temperance from its commencement in the year 1898 up to the present time, I will endeavour to give you a slight sketch of that part of the Subject before making the subsequent remarks which I intend to call your attention to later." It would be cruel to give the lecture in this sketch, suffice to say that it was listened to with great attention,, arid uproariously applauded, albeit some of our hero's statistics were decidedly staggering. In conclusion, Jack astonished the clergymen and delighted the aiidience by giving the following comic recitation : — " Out of the tavern I've just stepped tonight : Street, you are caught in a terrible plight ; Right hand and left hand are both out of place : Street, you are drunk ! 'tis a very clear case. Moon, tis a curious figure you cvt — One eye is staring, t'other is shut; Tipsy, I see ! and you're greatly to blame : Old as you are, 'tis a horrible shame ! Tien the street-lamps! oh, scandalous sight ! IsTone of them soberly standing upright ! Rocking and staggering — why, on my word, Each of the lamps is as drunk as a lord ! . .!.. Dear me, this is curious ! Now,- isn't it odd ? lam the only thing sober abroad ! : • Sure, it were rash with this crew to remain : I think I will go into the tavern again." Our hero, to soften the effect of this recitation, began to ' moralize , on it, and, when he had finished, the clock .pointed to a quarter after ten; ho had be.en'" r speajk-' ing for upwards of two hours. A't -the tfoinf. 1 elusion of Jack's address, Dr Hawkins, c'&jws% forward, and stated/that " Mr Da&^lp* treated the subject in such an exhaustive and ■ comprehensive manner that, even had time permitted, he had left his co-adjutors literally nothing whatever to say," and he, therefore, closed the meeting by giving the benediction. 1 Our Hero, being of an excitable

disposition; was naturally plated at th'e.succels of his lecturei, and, . as soon as he could get away from the clergymen, .he put. on his ■ulster overcoat and slipped away. He rushed frantically down the street until he came to the "Kose arid Crown." '.He then came to a full , stop, and, for some irimutes, his , attention was' fully engrossed in contemplating the architectural beauties of the building. . . ;.. ' ' : Finding that the exterior of the-hostelry-was very much to his, taste, cur hero "entered with a view to 'ascertaining whether tne interior were equally so ; ' when, after a lapse of a quarter of an hour, our hero left the hotel its exterior appeared to have lost all interest in his eyes, for he did not even cast a glance upon it. As he proceeded down the street it became apparent that our hero was deeply engrossed in an attempt to solve an altogether new and exceedingly interesting mathematical problem, i.e., that of trying to ascertain, by means of practical demonstration, how many miles it was possible to cram into the space of 1760 yards. So fully did he give up his attention to the solution of this difficult problem that he did not perceive the approach of policeman No. 76 until he had upset that functionary, together with his own calculations, into the gutter. The constable, not being by any meaus capable of appreciating a joke, proceeded, on rising, to point out his objections to our hero's entire proceedings by collaring the joker. By this time our redoubtable young hero was completely sobered, and he endeavoured to persuade the policeman of the fact, but that officer could not bo induced to believe it, and stated to Jack Larkins his intention of taking care of him for the night. Jack thanked the constable for his kind intentions, but assured him that. as he was perfectly able to take care of himself, he had no intention of availing himself of his kind offer. The only reply which the policeman condescended to make was expressed in a most suggestive manner by his taking a firmer grasp of our hero's coat collar, a compliment which Jack was not slow in returning. How long they might have remained in this friendly embrace is impossible to say ; but Jack, on looking down the street, observed two other policemen coining up at full trot. This decided him to make the attempt to release himself and make a run for it. Swinging his arm round with, force, he succeeded in depositing the constable on the ground, and, at the same time, in tearing his uniform ; but his own coat did not give way, and before he could disengage the fallen constable's holdthe other two arrived on the spot, and our hero, seeing that resistance, would be useless, allowed them to take him to the police station. On arriving at the station, he was taken to the Inspector's office, and asked by that gentleman what his name and occupation were. He replied : '• My name is Davies, and I am — ahem ! — a public speaker." %i Ah, indeed !" exclaimed the Inspector ; "we'll test your public speaking before His Worship to-moiTow morning." Our hero expressed his great delight at the prospect of making the acquaintance of so worthy a gentleman, and then requested permission to be allowed to bail himself out, which request being granted, he made his way home to the hotel with, all speed.

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