THE LADIES

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 228, 24 January 1885, Page 6

THE LADIES

He: -'How snubby you were with that young follow from Parnell ! He seemed quite heart-broken." She (school-teacher) : •' Can't help it. I'm tired of teaching children." " Oh, youth, with smooth 3and-papered pate, The night is dark, thp hour is late ; ■ Why do you linger on my gale ?" " 1 stay to help your daughter hold This gate upon its hinges old ; Go in, old man, your're catching cold !" The old man sought his little bed, And pillowed there his tranquil head ; " I guess the gate is safe," he said. " Her age is telling- on her," remarked Smiffkins, of Ponsonby, as Mrs Ponsonby de Pumpkins sailed by under a cloud of ribbons, dress-improver, and powder. " Yes," replied Podgers, "but she will never tell on her age." " What is that, hubby," asked the wife of a newly-jnarried and embryo Brougham in the suburbs, as he banged a roll of M.S. on the table. " It's a brief, darling." "Why do they call it a brief ?" " Don't know. I suppose its becauco it contains .')8(5 folios." Bug-gins, who had read the account of a patient being- struck dead by lightning at the Auckland Hospital, was alarmed the other evening when a thunder-storm threatened. "Never fear," remarked Mrs 8., caressingly, "you will never be struck by lightning-. You always come in-su-late," and the good woman went on humming to the sewing-machine. " Pslmv, Kate," a husband said one day, in some domestic row, " You used to be too awful nice, Why ain't you that, way now ?" " It's all your fault," she answered him, '' That I am change;! of late ; You would not alter Kate, you know, Did you not a^crcatc." A kiss is a paroxysmal contact between the labial appendages attached to the superior and inferior maxillaries, respectively, of a man and a woman or two women. The younger the parties are the more paroxysmal will be the paroxysm. We didn't think it was such a serious business when we were paroxysing in the beautiful days of the past. His broiv was firmly knit ; His teeth were tightly clenched ; His eyes were stonily set ,• His heart with grief was wrenched. Her mouth was pursed to kiss ; Her hands caressed his cheek ; He i 1 ear was oped (,o list To words that he might sneak : " Confound it all — my wife, So ev'ry penny's gone To buy your new wrap ? — while J/y ulster's yet in pawn!" A. new rule of etiquette recently adopted in our most refined circles shows, in a marked way, that all the ceremonial observances of society have their origin in consideration of practical utility. It is no longer en regie for ladies to look under the bed before retiring. The reason is obvious : if there should be a stranger there the meeting would bo awkward, with no one at hand to perform the ceremony of introduction. " Grant me a favour before I go ?" Pleaded Augustus, soft and low ; " Lay your dear head upon my breast, Encircling arms shall guard its rest, And love in a kiss shall be expressed ! , Ah, do not, do not siy me no — I die to be by your lips caressed ! " Dear boy," she murmured, "not to-night; Don't think me cold and heartless quite ; But I cannot kiss you before you go ; J\ T ot that I love you less, you know, Nor that 1 wish caprice to show ■ But simply because — I'll tell you right — I hale the smell of onions so." In view of the objections entertained by many ladies to the existing form of the Solemnization of Matrimony in the churches, and the development of the Women's Kio-hts movement, we have drawn up a new form, which we trust will meet with the approval of our fair readers. We do not contend that it is perfect, but put it forward tentatively by way of forming a basis for reform of a longstanding grievance. Fhvib form : Do you, Pilch Old - bones, promise to give Mary Prettyface all the new bonnets, dresses, mantles, scent, bustles, lap-dogs, &c, that she may demand ? A. I do. Do you promise to permit her to flirt after marriage as much as she may choose ? I do. Do yuii promise never to contradict your wife, and allow her to use the flat-iron, rolling-pin, or broomstick whenever she deems it necessary to exert her authority ? I do. The minister, then turning to the bride, shall say : — Do you Mary Prettyface, promise to behave yourself as well as your inclinations will permit ? I do. Will you promise to allow your husband to stay at the club as long as he likes? I won't. ,V r ill } r ou promise not to notice any casual inebriety or irregularity of conduct on his part after ten pan? I will, with a hook. Do you promise to pay the fine if he gets run in ? Not if I know it. Do you promise not to notice any innocent familiarity between your husband and the housemaid ? Yes, over the left. The minister will then conclude the ceremony in the usual form.