THE LADIES

Observer, Volume 7, Issue 167, 24 November 1883, Page 11

THE LADIES

The right kind of a man will always have his life insured. It gives_his wife's second husband a start. ' " Were you ever in any engagement ?" inquired an innocent rustic of a great volunteer. " Yes, one," replied the man of Mars ; " but she jilted' me." Five thousand broom-handles a day are made in a certain township out west, and the married men never stay out at night later than nine o'clock. The high-school girl severely reprimanded her brother yesterday for using the phrase " not to be sneezed at." She says he ought to say, " occasioning no sternutatory convulsions." A strong-minded woman was heard to remark the other day, that she would marry a man who had plenty of money, though he was so ugly she had to scream every time she looked at him. ! G-irls, remember this. A rich man often makes a poor husband. A rich colour often covers a poor cheek. A rich joke often conceals poor wit. A rich costume often covers an empty stomach. A girl named Mary, who wa9 ordered to abstain from tea on account of some abnormal condition of her liver, described herself in an application she made the other day for life insurance — as a " Polly-tea-shun." The notorious Louise Michel began life as an under-mistress of a school, where she duly in* structed her young charges in their Catechism and Prayer-book. She does not seem to have long practised what she taught. When woman's ruby lips unclose, Harsh syllables to utter ; 'Tia like a blemish on a rose, x Or tangled hair in butter. Jones asked his wife, " Why is a husband like dough ?" He expected she would gire it up, and he was going to tell her that it was because a woman needs him ; but she said it was because he was hard to get off her hands. When a handsome young wife went to a hardware shop to get one of those wooden contrivances to smash potatoes, and said, " I want a masher," every man in the shop, from the boss to the office boy, started to attend her. A lady tells something which ought to have remained a secret with her sex. It is that a woman, when choosing a lover, considers a good deal more how the man will be regarded by other women, than whether she loves him herself. A clergyman, in a lecture on "How to (Jet Married," said : " Every man wants a wife, and every woman wants a husband." But the great difficulty is that the woman the man wants won't have him, and the man the woman wants wants some other woman. The latest " snake story " going the rounds of the Press is headed, " A Young Lady Tightly Embraced by a Serpent." Such incidents are not rare. But the young lady doesn't know at the time that he is a serpent. Sometimes she doesn't discover the fact until after she marries him. "Minister," said an old woman in the North of Scotland, " I'm going away fast, and I'll soon be in Judas's bosom." " Hoots, toots, Janet !" said the minister, "ye mean Abraham's bosom." " Ah, minister, if ye had been as long a single woman as I've been, ye wouldna be particular whose bosom it was !" Squeezed waists are said to lead to headaches. The medical man who disseminated this slander is evidently a linarled old cynic, with an upper lip like the knee-pad of a camel. It all depends upon what squeezes the waist, and how it is squeezed. The arm of a bank clerk never squeezed a headache into a female yet. "This is the fifth time," said the merchant, looking over his spectacles at a clerk who stood before him ; "this is the fifth time within eighteen months' you have asked me for a day's holiday in order to get married. They'll have to marry you in your absence this time. Mine is a moral office, and doesn't encourage Brighamy." A gentleman has been doing the London churches on Sunday mornings, and has remarked on the paucity of attendance of the male sex. In some churches the ladies outnumbered the gentlemen by at least five to one, and in one or two the disparity was still more remarkable. There is no reason given for this singular phenomenon, though the wicked idea suggests itself that possibly the gentlemen stand less in deed of spiritual admonition. Perhaps so. Scene: Lodging-house. Lodger: "I say this is not the four-pound joint I left yesterday." Landlady : " I assure you, sir, no one in this house has touched your meat." Lodger, puzzled : " Have you a cat in the house ? " Landlady : " Yes, sir." Lodger : " Oh, you have ! Well, ma'am, would you give that accomplished animal my compliments, and say I have no objection to let her have a share of my joint so long as Bhe uses her teeth like other cats, but that I strongly object to her employing a knife and fork in future." > According to Myrcts Magazine, which must be accepted as an authority, the polonaise is to come into fashion again. It is also said that $he 'f ahnost, forgotten faille? has been,reintrodup.ed. .-„ "Faille, 4 ', says my contemporary, " is a.veryipfetjty, material, light, and harm.QnJs jng,, perfectly,: with J

lace, the most jjopular of all trimmings. Now is the time to bring our faille dresses, whether shot, plain, or chequered out of the. presses where they have lain for years, and to utilise the light-' coloured failles which were worn by our mothers' or grandmothers, who stored up and preserved their dresses to an extent which no lady of- the present day dreams of doing." Think of .that, .ye. married men. Imagine the wives and daughters of your households taking their grandmothers* dresses from the place of storage, and, content with the costumes of fifty years' ago, asking for " nothing new " for, the summer. The news' seems very much too good to be true. ' '".''."■

A mystery to most . people in London is what becomes of all the finery of fashionable 'laches ■who spend £2,000 a yearjn dressing. It, is quite impossible to wear it all out, because of the frequency with which' the styles succeed: one another; Some unsophisticated folks are good enough to suppose that the fortunate birds of gay plumage bundle up their cast-off Wearing apparel and send it to the various charitable institutions ; or, mayhap, keep some poor families .respectably clad. But such generosity is .peculiarly rare. There are, however, some five or six families who are kept very genteely dressed by as many wealthy ladies, who have that kindness of heart, which jirecludes the action of the right hand from the knowledge of the left. A lady, well known in Society, for', the last three, years , has kept a, struggling young artist very nicely dressed in the, clothes which she deliberately stole fromTher own son. And another big-hearted woman has fostered two or three young ladies, and aided' them in. making the appearance which 'their vocation demanded. Her choicest satins and velvets have' keen seen more than once on the Btage.

About twelve months since a member of the' Spanish diplomatic service married a young lady of great beauty. Shortly after his marriage he was somewhat surprised to receive notice that he had been appointed to a high position in Cuba, and that he was expected to undertake his newduties without delay. The time was so short that he was obliged to leave his wife behind, and accordingly prepared to start at once. He bade farewell to his family, and left his house, but instead of leaving Madrid he managed to miss his train, and returned home somewhat late in the evening. On arriving he was surprised to find the Due de Sesto in possession, but, of course took care not to express any astonishment- Presently, however, he rose, saying he was going to see his wife. The Duke at this showed considerable perturbation, and tried to dissuade him from doing so. What happened after this nobody seems to know, but the next evening the inquisitive Spaniard was found stabbed to death in his own dining-room. An enquiry, or an apology for one, was held, and a verdict was returned that the unfortunate diplomatist had committed suicide ! It will be seen that the Duke and his Royal master, the King of Spain, ai'e bound together by closer ties than those of mere ordinary friendship.