THE JOKER.
;—A 'bar that wants Manukau; bar. v •'.,■■ ■ ■ ;•• . ; .i'.' :.,- .' v,- -. ' ,-...,. i ■ ..'■ ■ ■:.': ' ■'•' •■.'„:,"■" —The cabsthat go the fastest in Auckland are —well—why, Quick's, of course. s . . —Why are the Auckland Artillery to be pitied ? —Because they-.drill with Payne. —To correspondents.—Yes, Oppenheirner is German ? It means OT>eii your eyes. ' ■ ' —G-ebbing Burked—Being, sworn in at the District Court.,. • , ' , ' , : —Church ministers ought to be envied—they always have a surplus,(surplice)., .. ■ —Brave fellows the Taranaki cricketers —They were nearly all bo(w)ld who .came to Auckland. . —-Jury rigged—•Twelve jurymen in their Sunday clothes jammed up in a jury box, —The iron-sand industry at Onehunga is the beat blooming , affair in New Zealand. , —Why is the Obsebyer like Artfinr's Auction Mart ?—Because ifc is a repository for all dofts,' '■"- —Joker has had so many writs served on him lately, that lie is sure,he must be a (w)ritualist. —The Auckland J.P.s sisters who arrived the other day per emigrant ship savoured more of the cabin than the Karshel. ' ,>,'..., —Why is the McKelyie. bronze stature in the Museum like a lawyer?— Because it is always .holding out its hand. : ' ' . ." . —Wanted to know—When Mr Bryee is goiug to send hid favourite Waiuku Corps a' decent suit of clothes to wear at parade ? —Crowther was the most kissing man in Auckland the day he gave about twenty of the Westmeath girls a 'bus. Yum-yum ! —Councillor Boardman is not so wooden-headed as his name might imply ; he is at present sick—water on the brain. Mum's the word. —Who is the best "son in Auckland? Why, ' Good-son, to be sure; he was a Goodson when born, and he will be a Goodson when he dies. —Why is Abbott, the money-le"nder, like a pointer ? —Because he invariably wears a collar, and ie always on the look-out for (s)cent —percent. —What has the Eev. 0. M. Nelson done with those chorister cherryburns and serapliums who used to pretend to sing- at St. Paul's? Have they taken wing and goue aloft P —Transformation.—Mrs Tomkine says that she sent her husband the other day down Queen-street clean and smart as a man should be, and he actually came back" dripping." —Pondsdulix (money made out of sulphur) —Queen of Beauties and' Prince Imperials. Pondsfoolit (monies lost over sulphur)— Queen of Beauties and Prince Imperials. •An adult was baptised by being dipped a short time back at St. Matthew's Church. Messrs Wftrnock Bros, ought to be well baptised, for they have any amount of dips. —Is the gigantic busby worn by the drummajor of the garrison band the same head gear that of yore graced the nob of the nobby drum-major of the Thames Scottish. —The Mermaid, after roving aeverial years, has returned to Auckland. One of the Jacks says that there are too many amateurs in Auckland for a professional to earn an honest living. —Husbands look out! Mr Sample, the American horse trainer, is expected shortly to give a sample of his wife .training. Several well-known vicious ones will be treated, and crowded houses are a certainty. —Nautical examiner (Oapt Tilly), log. "What do you mean by doll-drums V" Answer: " A sixpenny dollstuck through the head of a drum." Capt. Tilly (log.) -. " Good! This man will make a fine navigator— of mud. ! — Sal (ex Westmeath) : Lor, Jane, wot d'yere think, they let boys keep pubs out here."—Jane (also ex-Westmeath): " Go'long, Sal."—Sal: •'lse sure they does, cos I saw a pub korld the Commercial was kept by a Kidd." —Salvation Tommy, of Newtown, what did your mother say about that Hallelujah sister with the black hat and white feather, and the Salvation Army ? Beware, Tommy, or you will get drummed out of the regiment. —Wanted, Messrs Moat and Tonks in particular, and the Crown Lands Board in goneral, to state where they expect to find the iron-sand to put up by auction, after having granted free to Chambers and Co. a monopoly of the only accessible iron-sand in the Auckland province. So moat it be! - —Who is the most sheepish, lawyer in Auckland ?—Mr Hughes (ewes), B.Aa. Who is the most brasen lawyer in Auckland ?—Why, Mr Brnssey, to be sure. Who is the maddest? —Why, Mr Madden —eh? Who the smartest ?—Why, Mr Speed, of course. Who the noisiest ?—Why Mr Russell—ha!
How a gallant Volunteer came to the rescueof a young la3y at the Hobson Company's Ball. ■' —Very funny the Herald people's excitement over that stupendous report furnished them by their special commissioner (not a bad name for a peimy-a-liner). Why, Europeans have lived for years in the locality, softly believed by the Herahl people to be miknown,, and nave travelled more • than once over the special commissioner's route. —" Who did you say was your docfcoi , ?" asked one party of another in" Queen-street. "My doctor! why. Doctor Wine." " Ah! I should have thought Dr Whiskey would have been better for jour complaint," was the cruel reply.' "I say," gurgled a mealy-faced man, with a purple nose, who was standing by, '.' you had better put that in the Hobseryer." . —Dick Feltus sported his war-medal at the Major's funeral, and had enough ribbon to make a bonnet-string. Dick savn bo got his m,edal for meddling with the Maoris, who rornrued- the compliment and meddled with him. Ask Dick to show you the wo_mld,. on his cranium; hence, no doubt, the fact that he is s.o on, &c. Hundreds seeim; the ribbon thought Dick had joined the. Blue Ribbon Army, and had got from Capiain Brame a teetotal miidnl. —Ponsonby, delightful es-suburb of Auckland ;~sweet, Ponsonb.V,l smell the;) ifoa— l)-jt, bed,,of stinks, pure"- and- tmttdnlterated—brick kilns, concentrated' essence of dea<l.b,oi9,es, : ;i>utrid fat, efccv wafted, from.the irealins- ;of.; Eichnaond 'Itdad—a; resting-place for j c6.ws. Jaofsesi- larrikibp,, Shd .mbngc'el': rateslauii\. ; road-worics^ Vinaking , . the 'a^^t^tft^SOp^JJ^hMulK-l^aiffi^ 4.cur4e;t^dKsr;irh'enJh 1 <sy:,y;o.^a;for>3^
pe^ple;.oVidently\tlii^ing"-^^ the big gunß ; w#r3 plant,, they, '"are, now Macdonald. and'./staff 'are belojiig ,to'the,' lqcpimo'tiye ( big g-uns are lying-'helpleaa an 9 dikc6SsSla^ : la ! The carriages went off instead of ttt4 big lark' '■ 'r ; -: •'■ ''i'" ; '' !,'''''''t'■■';'■'<>,T*"'*^&'^H^S<s J wi«?' who wear ; a la:iringe' v after girls'.»ab6mi6able; stales serious infringement and "ouglit'.to be ! bevy of,youthful bankers have their alajail-bira, and,lookasif the .bank;, savoured of : mill-bank, ,br ; ,else^thafef A th'ey!|hti|l£Just
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