BRIEF MENTION.

Observer, Volume 5, Issue 124, 27 January 1883, Page 316

BRIEF MENTION.

Mr Abbott is on his way to Melbourne. A well-known Hebe has, it is said, found her affinity. Robert Love, Esq., passed through Auckland the other day. Bob looks charming. Herr Carl Schmitt will recommence his duties on Tuesday, Feb. sth. Where is the enterprising young blacksmith. of Ohaupo ? In Auckland, o£ course. It is a settled question with him now. Poor Tom. Cockroach tea is the latest remedy for Bright's disease, We think the cure is worse than the disease. What had that man been having iv Dallen's shop, on Saturday, that set him off his chump ? Was the fisli too strong ? We see that the Brisbane Punc7/. has now a weekly Figaro, a highly creditably got up paper, and we wish the proprietor and the paper every success. Who is the old " Geeser " who is always hanging round Louie and " spoiling " the boys. Look out, Louie ; you will be interviewed by his wife shortly. A number of people are dispute as to whether the eloquent incumbent or Madame Sujhinerhays filled St. Paul's Church last Sunday evljniug. As if there could he two opinions on the subjectSyf " No, my dear," said a mother to her daughter, who had been taking- a nap before dressing for an evening party, "you needn't re-nrange your hair. You couldn't make it look any rougher if you did." The individual. who cracjfs life fingers at public entertainments and in the la^l^j&rary, would greatly oblige his involuntary listeners by cracking jokes instead, or else play the castanets at home. A lady put her watch under her pillow the other night, but couldn't keep it there because it disturbed her sleep. And there, all the time, was her bed ticking right under her, and she never thought of it at all. In reference to the Langtry scandal in New York, Mrs Labouchere, who came out as chaperon to the "Lily," is advised by a portion of the American Press to "recollect that onco upon a time she was Miss Henrietta Hodson. There is a good joke going the rounds in Parnell just now, a young lady, belonging to a grocer's shop is telling all her gentlemen friends that she is going to England to look for a husband, using her own towii " to slide her off the shelf " as the Parnellites have not got pluck enough. The member of the legal fraternity who is reported to have had his head " do^ i 5 plaster" at the new Law Court lately, through 'Hihie ceiling coining down.it is now stated, wns not swearing an affidavit at the time. Fortunately the injury did not affect a vital part. We do not doubt the statement of a correspondent that the gardener of the Western Park is able to discourse learnedly on the genealogy of the various trees and shrubs ; hut we don't just appreciate the invitation to pay him a visit. We think as little of "vain genealogies " as the Apo/rtte Paul did. That was a " hot £elegram forwarded the , other day by the Press 1 JS&soyiation man from Timn.ru, about the thermometer sniowjng 180 degrees in the sun ! Either the reader of the roisterings must have been "in the sun "as well as the instrument, or he had located his scientific plaything in the frying-pan. A local contemporaa?^fe? an article on "Modern Military Tactics " says ihajdfthere were 215,000 Austrians engaged at Sadowa, anatearequal number on the Russian side. This bangs " Pharoah's daughter, doingthe family washing." Won't Bismarck smile when he reads the above "historical" statement. Did not the old men enjoy a good smoke, thanks to the generosity of Messrs Winter and Fenton. It is intended to give the old ladies a treat of some kind, and both Messrs Fenton and Winter will receive any donations for that purpose. It' we all live we shall be old ourselves some day. The " glorious uncertainty of the law " is ever receiving fresh illustratioj¥s\ A Fort-street publican got fined the other day 40j7an|L costs for a single charge of Sunday trading ; a Vicsysft.'-street publican, with two charges against him in the charge-sheet, was fined a fourth of that amount ! It proves the truth of the old old adage — " Lu(c)k's everything." They have been "..passing the hat " at the Hospital lately. A fu^thefe investigation into that curious incident show§' tha^ it was three boxes of Fenton' s bats which weie distributed gratuitously to the patients. The highest p>a*fe that can be awarded Mr Feuton in such a case is to say, in the proverbial phrase, that " he is a hatter." As they lunched, she pressed her bodice With a grimace fierce and strange ; And her beau said, bending near her, " Darling, why this awful change H If I've rashly thee otlended Then a cruel wrotch 1 am." " O oh " she moanod " that hot potato Has perturbed my diaphragm." When the Marquis of Lome attended the Neilsson concert, at Sau Francisco, he wore no gloves — consequently all the young bloods eschewed gloves for that night, and now an enterprising speculator has been buying in the discarded coverings for the hands, and :ill this happened because the Marquis had forgotten to put his in his pocket. A suburban -hotelkeeper rejoiced in the possession of a profane parrot namSd'COcky, who was quite a character. He was eternally fighting with some rooks adjacent to his owner's resident. One day he got overpowered by the rooks, and, getting on his back, he clawed awny at the nearest bird, screaming out meanwhile, " One at a time, you d — rascals ; one at a time !" The variegated colours and blazing toilettes worn by the ladies at the first Neilsson concert caused the Princess Louise to remark " Oh, isn't that pretty ? It reminds me of the toy we used to haye — a tube full of bits of broken glass, a kaleidoscope I think it was termed." Did H.'R.H. mean any allusion to the magnificent diamonds of the Ban Francisco ladies in referring to bits of broken glass ? In one of our suburban churdli~e i s" >> fti is contemplated to fill in the windows with stained/glass— to get the " dim religious light." Heavein knows, in some of our churches the light is dim eno\^a to satisfy any- • body. Perhaps it would be as well if the parishioners ■wiped out another stained affair in the first instance — the three overdue quarterly instalments to the sinking fund of a very respectable church debt. A certain friend of ours, reviewing late events, says,— lt is evident that the Auckland Board of Education will condone breaches of every commandment in the Decalogue except the first "Thou shalt have no other god but me." It is rank heresy in aschoolmaster to have an opinion of his own, and the offence is aggravated when such opinion is founded on experience and good sense. The " sticker " has entirely superseded the next best man in the witle-spread affections of the lovely Louie. The rival's mutual recriminations on a late evening were painful to listen to. The little 'un says lie has been basely undermined by the fer-rend he ter-r-usted. No matter, Frank, the lest fish is not caught out of the sea yet, and it will require more than vf'a,"strong arm " to catch it. ''?■'•'■ The seeretoy of the Auckland Regatta, Mr R. ,• B. E. Isaacs, Kits received a cheque from the officers of VH.M.S. Lark as a donation to the Regatta Funds. This donation was unsolicited and most certainly unexpected, and sets a good example to our local people — showing that the British tar is an admirer of all manly sport, -and, uninfluenced by auy paltry party feeling, freely gives his mite towards creating sport and enjoyment to all, irrespective of creed or colour.

The following curious extract from a no.vel'is advertised in ■ connection with a piano by a German maker : — " I think my idea of Heaven would be a place in which Billow and Joachim played Beethoven, alternating with some others, all day long, and where a tuneful choir snng Schubert and Rubinstein's songs to the accompaniment of a — pianoforte." — I don't know why, but there seems something incongruous between Dr Von Billow's piano playing and. Paradise. Another joker has' a shy. at "Pharoah's daughter doing the family washing" He holds that the previous explanations are all wrong. She was not doing the family washing, nor 'ijvas Moses shedding (crocodile) tsars. The fact was, oil 1 that particular occasion the Koyal Washerwomau'-' i wns "out for the day," and "washing among the Ituedsl" The joker thinks his explanation will "wash," which is more than can be said lor the editorial varu. Colonial occupations are sometimes rather mixed ; but we thought they should have been better in Auckland city by this timo. But no ; for in Grey -street thare is a man who is " grocer and watchmaker," while next door to him there is displayed the signboard—" Butcher, Chemist." Clocks and confections, jewellery and Muck soap, and barometers and barley are rather incongruous elements: but a chemist who is also a butcher quite flabbergasts us. PUT AWAY. 'Twas not because her saucy glance Was oft directed ro some form More manly than my own, or that She'd mashers who were rather warm. 'Twas not because her ruby lips Would often cud in scorn at me ; ' I simply turned her up because To gin she was a devotee. When arrangements were being made by the Wesleyan ecclesiastical authorities to billet the ministers attending the Conference among the members of the Church, the faithful were" exhorted to exercise the rites of hospitality freely, on the ground that they might possibly "entertain unawareo." One c.ynieal joker, who was noiv given to that weakness, remarked, " Oh, that yarn aJ3out entertaining angels is all very well, but what about angels when you are entertaining- a Bull ?" A correspondent indulges in some censure of the Thames Slav for preaching a Jeremiad on " The Increase of Immorality," when he might have first reformed his own friends. This correspondent is too particular by half. He evidently thinks that editors should be patterns of morality and pillars of the church. No ; old fellow. The Star editor probably finds it hard cnotigh work to preach without making any pretensions to practising, and the latter would prove even a worse paying " spec " than the former. A sudden alteration of the imprint in the Bay of Plenty Times excited a good (leal of comment, and nil kinds of yarns are in circulation. It seems that Mr Edgcumbe has handed the thing over to the National Bank, and he is appointed editor, and Debourbell is to look after their interests. The bank are now anxious to sell, and mention two thousand as the figure ; but in its present condition, I don't think they'll get so much for it, as whoever goes iv for it, must assume all liabilities. At a recent parishioners' meeting, a Mr Tver gave an illustration of how they get rid of church debts where he came from in the old country. They put their contributions in tiny envelopes" each Sunday, and deposited ihein in a box at the cbjurcU entrance. .^lii four years they wiped oft' a debt of sfeverfl,l huudrexnMkids. After he hud sat down about ''a quarter o^-lMlft a happy thought struck him, and^he jumped upW*<sexclaimed, " I forgot to mention we had no oft'orTory nt that church !" A wag remarked, " Oh, that's a grey horse of another colour; if the people had had to contribute both ways, they would have got Tijer'd of that sort of thing." A lady, who probably speaks from experience, sends us a sample of the love-letter style of the modern young man. It opens thus :— TO HER I ADORE. E , oh ! 1 love you dearly, Though I have not known you long ; It is true, perhaps, though really Yon may think it very wrong ! This is pretty sure to fetch the modern young lady ; for of course she will "think it very wrong," and will admire the young man on that very account. After treating the lady to several pages of this sort of twaddle, this model letter-writer concludes : — " May your dreams be bright, and pleasant— All of me, now far away ; Good-by, dearest, for tbe present— From your loving J. M. B." The meeting of the A buttery of Artillery the other night for getting sworn in under the now Volunteer regulations presented some singuLir features. Mr E. Isaacs, J.P., "swore" the buttory s> effectively as to receive the thanks of members}:'-., Tlio gallant cuptn.ni oLVered the first Payneful example by taking his oath, and after the ice was broken tbe rest was easy, the artillerymen being kept lmrd sweiying- for a couple of hours. Amongst the new reinforcements to tbe buttery was an editioual " givnt irnn," but some of the rank and file facetiously declured their belief that " it was only a reporter." Apropos of the question which is now being freoly discussed as to whether Milner Stephen has power to heal the sic7c and incurable, we may cite the following fact. A lady in Auckland, who is Buffering from paralysis, saw recently in a contemporary, a testimonial to the effect that Mr Stephen had cured another ludy of the same disease in one of the Southern cities. As she wished to /enow whether she might benefit from Mr Stephen's treatment, she wrote to the person who was said to have been cured. This is the answer she received. That there had been no cure at all by Mr Stephen in her case, and that the testimonial had never been written by the party mentioned as lnving been cured, and that neither she nor her husband gave their consent to the publication of the so-called testimonial. Testimonials are easily made-up in this fashion. Sir, — The confabulations ancnt King Pharaoh's daughter remind me of a funny rhyme I saw in print a long time ago, it might tickle some of the Observer, readers and make them laugh a laugh : — On Egypt's banks, contiguous to the Nile, King Pharaoh's daughter went to walk a while, ■And, peeling 1 off her duds to take a swim, Ban up and down the banks to dry her skiu ; And, rushing through tbe rushes thick and thin, Discovered the basket that the child lay in ; Then, turning to her maidens, quickly cried, Which of you ladies owns this child ? . 'Tis none of your own, you're quick to say, And that's the truth, for I've known you many a day ; But since we've found him in this bed of roses, By all means let us call him Holy Moses. A debtor was " had " the other day (so says Rumour) in a very ingenious way. A judgment bad fceen got against him for a dqsbt, and a warrant was issued for his apprehension. .jLvWistable McL. speedily found his man, but, with tHe thermometer 120deg. in the shade, was averse to lugging hi&'.'charge all the way to the lock-up. He suggested- bney.^fhould jump into a cab aud drive down to th9''j)olicGjKstatiori, where, no doubt, the whole thing would l>&,.sjK!edily fixed up and explained. The proposal was acceded to. On reaching the station, the debtor found that he must remain there till he had squared matters. By the ruse the constable got his man to the station without; trouble, and got a " deadhead " ride in a " pochay " into the bargain. The , moral of the affair is, never listen to the suggestion of a policeman to take a cab. Yet another communication intended for the Church News has found its way into our letter-box. This time a youthful, but critical Christian finds fault with the choir of the Beresford-atreet Church for trying to introduce one or two new tunes every Sunday evening, with blood-curdling results. The minister has been disabled, and has sought to i'eliove his nervous prostration by a long holiday, while our critic thinks a remonstrance in our columns might yet save the musical part of the service from utter demoralisation. Bless his innocent: soul ! If we knew how to tackle this momentous subject we would do s» at once ; but we ara afraid the faithful would question our right to poso as an authority on church matters. We agree, in a generalway, with the late lamented Brigham Young that " it is a pity the devil should have all the good music ;" but the latter gentleman seems best able to pay for it, and so he has pretty nearly a monopoly. We hope soon that all will be peace in Beresford-streot.

Of all the bores deliver us from the defieient-postage-bore. . He is the boss mean man of the age. He adds injury to insult. He puts a penny stamp on a letter that requires n twopenny one, and subjects the recepient to a fine of twoj>ence, and so on in proportion. In the majority of cases the precious effusion is found to be only an undecipherable scrawl, and a composition' couched in grammar and spelling which would cause the hair on a drowned dog to start like quills upon the fretful porcupine. The mean deficient-postage- man always pleads ignoraiice of the postal rates, but his real ignorance is of the principles of hone3ty. We are going in future to get the bulge on this class of nuisances. We shall always send thorn back by post a large envelope containing a good sized brick, leave thorn to pay the postage, and then chuckle over our revenge. The Summer Meeting of the Takapuna Jockey Club promises to be a great success, judging from the numerous entries and acceptances. This meeting has become highly popular, both for good racing and frcm the convenience and cheapness of access to the course. The ferry fare is only 6d, and admission to the course only Is, so that, should the weather bo favourable, there will no doubt be a large attendance. Competing horses will be conveyed to and from Devonport by Ferry Company's steamers free, either before on or the day of races. The Commihtee are indefatigable in their exertions to ensure a first-class day's sport, and are adding permanent booths to their accommodation. In the recent examination, held under the auspices of the Board of Education (writes a correspondent), there was one question on the paper for School Management, which utterly defied my efforts to answer. I send it to you with the hope that you will lighten my darkness. "The perfection of government is to effect the maximum of result with the minimum of machinery.' Illustrate the application of this doctrine in School Management." [Ttant isn't mnoh of a puzzle. We think that a three-foot supple-jack could not be sticltrnatized as unwieldy 'machinery) and when vigorously applied, there can be no question as to the maximum of result.] Ther.e was a biu'glai* scare on the Newton-road a short time ago ; and Mr E.., while on his homeward way from a visit to a friend's house, was suddenly and violently attacked from behind and thrown down senseless. Help arriving, ho was carried into the house he hud just left, nnd Mr P. at once armed himself for the fray, and sallied forth to meet the foe. In his fit of bravery he made a great noise, and turned out the neighbours in dozens to assist in the capture, — one of their number going ofi for the police. A circle ".vas formed in the darkness round the crouching burglar, when the latter, with a terrific roar, made a charge, and throwing down Mr D., bolted from the scene, in the form of a thumping big billygoat ! He is supposed to have escaped from the Masonic Lodge in the district. TO A YOUNG LADY. You wished me to write on your eyelash a sonnet (I'm than!) ful 'twas not to describe a new bonnet), So I hasten, with pleasure, your wish to fulfil, For whore there's a way there should e'er be a, will. (At least I have twisted the proverb a bit, Which blame to my dulness nnd not to my wit). I shall fancy your eyelash as black as a coal, For the acme of beauty this is in the East, Bub your bright eyes aro glancing right into my soul, And I still must digress— for a moment at least. When the ej'dash is fringy, and silky, and long, I've been told these three signs always indicate beauty. But that smile, so bewitching, is leading me wrong, And I fenr once again I'm forgetting my duty. The eyelash, you say, is your sole fascination But I must demur to the strange imputation, Ah ! the blush on your cheek says you're only pretending, How sweet the red bloom looks— it seems never ending" Such distracting attractions I cannot be missing, For now I'm regarding those sweet cherry lips, If you've no objection I'd rather be kissing Than writing so lamely and making such slips. Oscar Domesticated. The recent discussion in the columns of the daily Press nnent " female helps " brings to mind a KtHo. episode that transpired not many days ago in one of our " rurals." The wife of a city magnate, in giving orders to cook, reminded her, amongst other hints, to bring tbe cucumber to table undressed. In course of time the lord of the manor arrived, dinner was served, and he was in tbe act of relating to his hotter half some of the tri-ils nud filterings of the hot, dusty metropolis, when a mp was heard at the door. The wife immediately arose, and was horrified on reaching the threshold to observe cook, balancing in one hand the plute of cucumber, whilst the other was eugaged in holding before her an article which barely hid her form and lijiiire. The mistress of course expressed surprise at this r.pparitiou, and naturally asked the meaning of such singular behaviour. With tears in her eyes, and still clutching wildly at the luckless plate, the blushing cool: replied, " Sure, muui, and didn't yez tell me to bring the cucumber to table undressed — yez know ye did ; but devil the stitch o' clothes more will I lavo off, if I have to give warnin' this blessed nnnit." OH ! CAN'T SHE HANDLE THOSE SPOONS. A tall and slender youth is he — With whiskers freshly sprouting — Across a well-known bar you'll see To Louie always spouting. For Louie sits upon his knees (She : knows what she's about) And gives his hand :\ gentle squeeze, Saying — " Darling are you going to shout." For Louie's smart, don't foar, She'll make them part, or clear. A dapper little man is he— He ought to have more sense, But when they're spoons, they're fools you see, Their brains go wandering hence — He en 11s her flirt, he raves amain, And tells her she will rue it, But Louie smiles on him again, Saying — " Darling, are you going to do it." For Louie's smart, you bet, She'll make tnein part, or " get." The third (I'll mention but fifteen) (No you wont, Tennyson, not while we run this " rag ;" and don't flatter yourself we inserted the first two verses for their poetic brilliancy. We didn't. For some ' time past we have enforced upon the authorities the necessity of either building a larger asylum or enlarging the old one ; but they have always renlied that, as it might cause ill feeling between the Wanganni and Auckland people, it would he necessary to prore to the former that oar crop of lm atics was heavier than theirs before taking any steps in the matter. We suggested the wiring of Uu.s ori'n.siou to the:u. •It was sent, and the immediate reply ofime, " For Heaven's sake roof-in the Whan.")— Ed. Ous.