THE SNOBS' CHRONICLE.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 97, 22 July 1882, Page 294

THE SNOBS' CHRONICLE.

BY 'A SNOB. No. 9. — Talkative Snobs. " Oh, while you live, tell truth, and shame the devil." — Shakespeare. * c Of snobs who think too httle and who talk too much," our City of Snobland is not deficient. I have often felt a glow- of pride rise writhin my breast and a flush of pleasure animate my features on observing the perfect success which attends some of my brother snobs in this line of performance. These talkative snobs are to be found in all classes— from those who have, reached the top rung of the ladder in the Colonial sense (which means the having amassed much wealth), to those who cannot " jingle a halfpenny on a tombstone." Mercantile, clerical, legal, political, and all other sorts and conditions of snobs may be, and are, talkative snobs in addition to theh other snobbishnesses. The talkative snob in these Colonies is in many respects one of tlie moat prominent products peculiar to our estimable institutions. And surely the great army of Colonial snobs ought to feel unbounded gratitude insomuch as their fate /has been so propitious as to place them where a never-ending series of opportunities present themselves to exercise the functions of their nature so easily. Mr Snob does, and ever must, feel so. The most generally markeci type of the talkative snob is our political-talking snob. He thinks, like Hamlet, " that all the world is out of joint," and that he can put it all to rights if he only be allowed to make a speech about it. When one of these occasions arises at which the politi- . cal snobs of Snobland are assembled to discuss the great question of the day, — wbich is not only of the utmost importance to the present inhabitants of Snobland and the circumjacent lands, but is fraught with the deepest interest to the Tvhole human race now living, as well as to tlie generations yet unborn, — then Mr Talkative Snob, with a diffidence and a modesty of demeanour that becomes him exceedingly, and which endears him to the hearts of all true snobs whatever, takes his stand before his audience. He is inwardly swelling with a consciousness of superiority as a talking snob. Bowing low to his expectant listeners, he thus begins, with his left hand on his heart — "Mr Chairman „and gentlemen (he really means fellow-snobs), I feel myself totally unable to express nay deep sense of gratitude at having the distinguished honour of addressing so large, so intelligent an assemblage of my fellow-citizens (fellow-snobs). When I consider, Mr Chairman, the magnitude of this question, its vast importance, I may say its infinite interest, to vs — to ourselves and the future of this beautiful land — and then contrast any own inability, my own utter incapacity ('No, no,' from half-a-dozen snobs) to do justice to the subject, to do justice to you, I am overwhelmed with despair — (here he places his right hand, wliieh he had stretched out, upon his left, across Ms breast, and assumes a drooping attitude — A ■voice : ' Cheer up.') Yes, gentlemen," he resumes, *' when I reflect upon the gigantic consequences which must ensue to the future prosperity of Snobland, to us, to our wives and children, and our children's children : should this question continue unsettled,— should the G-overnment, with that blindness, with that indifference to the true interests of the people for which men in office are proverbial, refuse to grant your lawful and just request, — then, gentlemen, I tremble to think of the consequences. (Here he assumes a defiant attitude, and, taking a step forward, .raises his left hand menacingly.) No, gentlemen, they must not refuse — they dare not refuse. We have only to be unanimous, and from the unanimous opinion of the assembled citizens of Snobland, no G-overnment that ever was or shall be, dare dissent." (Hear ! hear ! !) ' And so our dear friend goes on delighting the hearts of his fellow-snobs. But then the principle at stake is tremendous in the estimation of all snobs — viz., whether this Blue Government now in oflice should be allowed to put a tax on platcd-silver buttons. Indeed, no wonder our brother the speech-making snob is overwhelmed with despair. Tax on buttons indeed ! How dare any Government — Blue, Ued, or Grey — to contemplate the perpetration of such a deed, give so insidious a stab to the glorious institutions of snobbery as to tax livery buttons ! No, sir. The snobs will unite to a man — aye, and a woman — to prevent such an outrage on the liberties of the subject ; for are not buttons, and feathers, and shoe-buckles essential to the happiness of all masculine and feminine snobs alike ? But our true talkative snob is not always so fortunate as to have so congenial a theme as a tax on buttons to exercise his skill upon. Yet he is invariably consistent and true to his vocation as a snob orator. Some persons entirely beneath our notice will persist in calling him a humbug, because he never really does any of these things he is so eloquent about, tliat he is - extremely successful in gaining his own private end, and so forth ; but surely this is the best reason wliieh could be offered to entitle him to our sincerest respect as a talkative snob. Mr Snob knows several of these, but there i 3 the £reat Mr Flowery, who dwells in the City of Snobland, . who outshines all the others so completely that there exists the most unbounded respect and admiration for him in the hearts of all true snobs, a sentiment in which Mr Snob dutifully shares. He makes a point of raising his hat whenever he passes near him, and the grand and gracious manner in which this Colossus of snobs returns our salute, kindles a flame of enthusiasm in our bosom, which greatly encourages us to persevere in our noble profession of snob -in-general. There are other sorts of talking snobs. There is the talking snob who finds himself in his element at those meetings where the snobs who delight in tea-drinking love to congregate. In these assemblies there are sister as well as brother snobs, and how well our talkative snobs can appreciate their presence is known to all tea-drinking snobs. _ Of course, as might' be expected, these anti-spirituous snobs are deeply impressed with the enormous responsibilities of the profession to whicli. they belong, and are steeped in that wise .conceit which alone could render successful their truly philanthropic endeavours to regenerate their erring brethren who persist in drinking -water with something else, and who have no great

. T . respect for that— to them — panacea of all the ills that mortal flesh is heir to ; ' and consequently their meetings are characterised by that solemnity whiciv becomes so high and noble an undertaking. Our talkative snob, true to his vocation, adapts himself to the circumstances. There is Brother Sleek, for example. He is an eminent success in this sphere. He always begins by deprecating his own total unworthiness to address an assemblage of so many dear brothers and sisters who have distinguished themselves in forwarding the noble cause which they have assembled to celebrate. With an air of deep humility which fits him like a glove, he supplicates in the softest of tones the support and sympathy of the brethren and the sisters — especially the sisters ---to whom their noble cause owes so much ; and so he goes on, purring and cooing in a style which, as a talking snob, deserves the success he secures. The sisters remark sot to voce, "What a dear, good man is Brother Sleek," although if they visited Brother Sleeks store next day they might find him a dear man in another sense. I say might, for some captious persons, quite incapable of appreciating tlie true functions of a talking snob, will say that Brother Sleek never does anything else for the good cause than talk about it ; that he never attends committee meetings when business connected with the redemption of their fallen brethren is to be clone, like Brother G-oldfinch, for instance ; and that he never subscribes towards the fund collected for propagating the noble principles which they profess. They do this ignorantly, unaware of tho true excellence of Brother Sleek. But his brother-snobs are proud of him, and esteem hira, and only hope that his sphere for the exercise of his vocation as a talking snob may be infinitely enlarged, to the greater glory of Snobland. Ignorant persons doubt very httle, dullards less, but it is the peculiar attribute of Snobs never to doubt — to have a perfect faith in snobbery and themselves. I — , — ______________________________________ j