TWOPENNY LEGISLATORS.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 96, 15 July 1882, Page 284

TWOPENNY LEGISLATORS.

(See telegraph intelligence of our M.H.R.'s having been entertained at dinner by Messrs Jouberfc and Twopenny). "Pis sweet to wield a Legislator's wand And shape the destinies of this great nation ; 'Tis sweet to get two hundred pounds in hand For making speeches in self-glorification ; 'Tis sweet to grind an axe, to grab the land, . And pass a bill for our indemnification ; 'Tis sweet to eye the sroal of all our wishes — The Cabinet seats, and Gov'inent loaves and fishes ! 'Tis sweet to be run after by the Press ; 'Tis sweet to be saluted by the bobbies ; 'Tis sweet — yea, passing sweet, I must confess To oscillate 'twixt Bellamy's and the lobbies (Though that's a rather costly game, I guess) ; But best of all this legislative job is To take French leave, and then, as I'm a sinner, Have a free trip, free show, and free big dinner ! The wine which was supplied by the refreshment committee at the late Ball was of a vex\y fifth-rate quality — such as is usually found in low-class publichouses. Certainly a little Rocderer was to be got by those who were acquainted with "the run of the ropes," and who were bold enough to ask specially for it ; but the article really supplied to the thirsty dancers was of a kind calculated to give one the " jim-jams" about ns soon, or sooner, than the most approved " 40-rod bush rum." The tnct is there were far too many Scotchmen on the committee, and for the sake of saving a few shillings a case these skinflints went in for an utterly unknown and unpalatable brand, which they got at a low figure "to clear," as the tradesman would any. PAKNELL AGAIN. Who has e'er been to Parnell, that dosolnte place, Sound its roads or its fuothpaths improvements can trace, Bad drainage, foul smells, blood, and stench from sheepslaughtpr, Fell contagions diseases, caused by lack of pure water ; What wonder householders em|>ty houses can't let, Sinco tlie Mayor and Councillors are a one-power sot. Scotch Refrain — <- Och, it's an awful mistake, and an unco big pity, The Parnell quid folk dinna join in wi' the City. The usual snobbery characterised the management of the Citizens' Ball. A certain clique, who think themselves the people, had evidently made up their minds that only those they chose should buy tickets, and the consequence was that the few outsiders who were plucky enough and lucky (?) enough to get a ticket despite this determination, were resolutely forced to "take the wall." Even in the supper arrangements this was noticeable ; a certain set sat down and demolished most of the eatnbles, and then the "common people" were admitted and allowed to partake of the leavings. Such is society in Auckland — with the chill ofr. It is satisfactory, however, to learn that the snobs have had to pity for their fiddle, as the receipts don't come neai-ly up to the expenditure. " NO BILL." All ye who burn to see the fair, Though parents stern may frown, For sympathetic hearts, repair To lovely Auckland town. Here Justice from her lofty seat On Love approving smiles, And bids the lover seek his sweet Through bolts and bars and stiles ! By Featherstorie, with poker hard — By Sam, with hunting whip, No lover e'er can be debarred From Love's pure joys to sip ! But he who goes through fire and wave His lady fair to see, Deserves to rank among the'brave — Our true " No-bill "-ity ! We have received, through Christchurcli Society, what purports to be a pen-and-ink portrait, of Garibaldi. At the first hasty glance it struck us as being one of the sketch maps issued by auctioneers in connection with land sales, much of the ground apparently being covered with long wiry grass and flax,

•while a low range of hills in .the distance,- and two extinct volcanic craters, varied the monotony of the scenery. On closer examination, however, it seemed that the supposed swamp was intended to represent the ' hair and beard of the great Italian Liberator, the low range of hills the profile of his face, and the two extinct Tolcanoe3 an eye and ear. We got our P.D. to staud on his head and examine the picture from that x>oint of view, but his criticism is untranslatable. This pen-aiid-ink portrait ia enough to make Garibaldi start up from his grave and liannb the artist. It has been suggested to us that tbe latter must be one of the Papal Brigade, who has selected this mean style of revenging himself upon an enemy.

Tlie gas was half extinguished in the Choral Hall, The guests were hieing homewards from the Cits' grand ball, All hut the weary stragglers lingering in the gloom To take a final " booze" within the supper room, As loth were they to leave the charmed, spot As fiies that linger round a treacle pot. With wary look, ancl gliding cat-like tread, Policeman K. advanced to where was spread The remnants of the feast, with hungry eye, Like some fierce eagle swooping from the sky, Descended on che grub, trifles, blanc mange, costly yin He seized the dishes, and he " run 'em in." The public of Auckland should be careful to avoid dealing with the itinerant hawkers of " Bruuimngem" jewellery and rubbish, who travel about the Colony victimising the unwary. They start business in a town, profess to give guarantees for certain periods with the articles sold, but in a few days have made themselves scarce, leaving buyers to mourn their gullibility. Persons who require jewellery will find it far safer and cheaper to make their purchases from some respectable jeweller with an established business. The following letter recenty appeared in the Otago Daily Times : — " Sir, — Will you kindly grant me a little space in your valuable paper to expose the way an itinerant vendor of cheap jewellery imposes on the public. I went to an auction sale of so-called gold and silver jewellery last Saturday, and I bought a set of studs, stated to be and -put up as gold. I tested them on Monday morning, and found them three parts brass. Any person who may have been victimised in a similar manner, but perha.ps to a gteater extent than I have been, and who wishes for redress, had better look to it quickly. — I am, etc., H. Robinson. Dunedin, June 28." " MUSIC IS A POLYPUS." [" Music is a kind of polypus, which attaches itself to you." — F. O. Cailliau, in the Siar.] Oh, my, isn't this a jolly fus ! Everyone should know it — "Music is a polypus !" Sticks to you just like a claw — needn't try to shut it out ; Can't get rid of it unless the doctor comes to cut it out! To this new definition additions are quite simple ; If Music is a polypus, then Poetry's a pimplo ! The flowers of Fancy, don't you see, are just an efflorescence ; Imagination's all my e3*e — a kind of an excresence ! Then Painting's a carbuncle red on point of your proboscis, That sticks to you through thick and thin, in winnings and in losses ; Sculpture is a big gumboil — kicking up a jolly fuss — Then Polly put the kettle on — Mu&ie is a x)olypus ! It is none the less true for being remarkably strange that the experienced (?) committee who were entrusted with the office of supplying the "-consumables " for the Citizens' Ball omitted so indispensable an item as tobacco in any shape or form. It is a grievous fact that not a solitary " butt " was provided, and this in the face of the [well-known predilection for the soothing weed indulged in by all branches of the naval service. One gentleman, who had brought a cigar, was indulging in a draw, when, called away to the ball-room, he placed the half-consumed Habanna on a sideboard, intending to return to finish it. But alas for the hope thus nourished ! No sooner had ho turned his back than half-a-dozen worn-out smokers were scrambling for his "butt" like gamins at the stalls entrance of a theatre. The lucky one who succeeded in grabbing the coveted morsel calmly proceeded to smoke it out, amid the envious glances of the surrounding sufferers. A pretty idea- the Nelson officers must form of Auckland hospitality when so important a branch of refreshment is omitted from the bill of fare. A VISION OF FUTUKITY. (Mr Denton, geological lecturer, declares that the coming man will '" drink nothiug but water.") " I had a vision in my sleep That gave my spirit strength to sleep Adown the Gulf of Time;" So Campbell says, I'll not withdraw The curtain, and the man I saw Will describe in rhyme : — A lean and lanky man, A spiudle-sbauky man, A cold, mathematical, narrow, dogmatical, " Told you so " kind of man. A no-more-slaughtery man, A pure-cold-watery man, A cakes and ale hater, tea exterminator, Food reform kind of man ! - ' A sallow and dingy man, A greedy and stingy man, A strict economical, true anti-comical, -: Perfect kind of man ! Yes, that's the coming man, A soda-water man — A thoroughly " flzzical " (don't think I'm quizzical) Holy Joe kind of man ! Thus Denton spake, in Auckland town, The Cotfce Palace shares went down At his prophetic word. And oh, ye gourmands do not jump ! Should man evolve into a pump, Then tea would be absurd ! The growing progress of: Auckland is amply exemplified by the many handsome edifices which are daily springing np. Conspicuous among these is an imposing two-storey building at the corner of Hobson and Victoria streets, which has been erected to the order of Mr Turnbull, the well-known licensed victualler, and which was opened on Monday last under the title of the Hobsou Hotel. It is constructed in the latest and most finished style of modern architecture, and is an orna-' ment to the western side, of our city. It contains four-and-twenty rooms, including public and private bars, commercial, sitting, and drawing rooms, and a large and commodious .billiard-room, for which one of 1 Thurston's best tables has just been received from

England. The rooms fire fitted up with electric bells and other modern conveniences. The cellarage is capital, and the sanitary arrangements are of the most model kind. The hotel, which is furnished in firstclass style, is most fortunate in its site, combining' a splendid view of the harbour with a most central position as regards trade ; in fact it possesses all tlie requisites of a first-class family hotel, and will no doubt be extensively patronised by visitors from the country. Mr Turnbull — or Tommy, as he .is more generally called — is one of the most popular bonifaces iv Auckland, and has, both by his probity in business aud by unvarying ''civility and courteous' demeanour towards his customers, made for himself a host of friends, who we feel confident . will rally round him in his new undertaking. For onrsoleves, all wo can say is we trust his energy and enterprise will meet with their due reward.