QUEER STORIES.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 86, 6 May 1882, Page 120

QUEER STORIES.

GREASER'S SOAP.

When the Messrs, Greaser had advertised their soaps in every newspaper, and on every hoarding of the Kingdom, they considered that they had not yet done enough to make their wares known. Mr. Greaser, head of the firm, happened to hear of a rival manufacturer who had proposed to Government to defray the entire cost of printing the Census papers, provided he were allowed to puff his soap on the back of each paper. Mr. G-reaser struck his forehead with an admiring gesture. " That man has got hold of the right idea," said he. "He has shown the track up •which the advertisers of the future must march. I'll just follow." Soon afterwards he called upon the Chancellor of the Exchequer and submitted a plan which at 'first inclined the statesman to have him shown down stairs. But G-reaser was persuasive. He pointed out that antiquated prejudices ought not to stand in the way of innovations from which a saving to the public purse might result. - He touched upon "surplus," a delicate chord in every Exchequer's bosom, and which was the more so than ever at that moment, as the current ' year's Budget threatened a deficit. In sum, what \ Mr. G-reaser proposed was this : He would undertake the whole expense of supplying Government with stationery, official printed forma, circulars, notices, &c, and also of printing Parliamentary papers and Blue Books, on condition of being allowed to print the word: "But Greaser's Soap " on every page of plain or printed paper, and on every envelope, or wrapper by him supplied. • " You must really give me time to reflect on this proposal," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer, •who found he could notget rid of the enterprising manufacturer by mere argument. "You must allow that some of its aspects are rather startling" " Not at all," protested Mr Greaser. " See, here you have an envelope, with the words * On her Majesty's Service ' at the top. Well, in future, the words would run, ' On her Majesty's Service ; Buy Greaser's Soap.' There would be nothing startling in that." " I don't know," demurred the Chancellor. " Well, view the question from the broad standpoint of public interest," said Mr Greaser. I'll call again in a few days." Public events favoured the Messrs Greaser. A little war had to be undertaken. The Government had to choose between imposing a new, unpopular tax, or accepting the offer made by the manufacturer, and after a consulation in Cabinet Council, they decided npon the latter course. It was announced in Par&ament, through a speech of the Chancellor, which was a happy blending of humour and pathos. " Why should the conventional prejudice of the few add" to the financial burdens of the many ?" said the Right Hon. gentlemen. "If the Messrs G-reaser's soap was good, there could be no harm, in making it universally known ; whereas, if it were bad, the public might be trusted speedily to find out that fact for themselves." There was some laughter in the House. An honourable member rose to ask whether Parliament was to " understand that the Government intended to guarantee the sound qualities of the Messrs G-reaser's soap ? But the Prime Minister having declared in earnest terms that he emphatically repudiated any such responsibility, the House ratified the bargain. It took effect in the following August, and the first public sign of it was in tne Queen's proclamation -proroguing Parliment That document ran in this wise :— " By the Queen. A Proclamation— Buy Greaser's Soap. Whereas our Parliment," &c. But Greaser was sad. Scarcely had his soap become puffed about the country upon tax-collec-tors' schedules, police magistrates' warrants, ' enlistment forms, letters of appointment, &c, than the Messrs Shalmeneser, merchant tailors and outfitters, stole a march upon him by getting to the weather side of the War Minister. Some new helmets were wanted for the troops about to engage in the little war. " Let ush advertishe our names and addreshes on the helmets if our soldiersh, '■ and we'll dresh out the whole exshpedition from tob to toe," suggested- the Messrs Shalmeneser. A Government which had yielded to soap could not hold out against tunics and trousers ; so the War Minister, after only a very little hesitation, signed a contract which got her Majesty's force " bootifully clothed" for nothing/ Every soldier who fought in the little war faced the enemy with this superb motto on his helmet-badge : " Try Shalmeneser's half -guinea trousers" But this was not all, for other tradesman having heard of the Shalmeneser's bargain, had hastened to Pallmall, offering to rig out different regiments on the same terms, and their proposals had been accepted. When Greaser, hearing of these things, arrived at the War Office in his turn, he found Jonadab, the inventor of the " Vegetable .Sugar, had just taken the last two available line regiments in hand, and the entire Household Brigade into the bargain. Then a grand thought struck Greaser : he would have his soap advertised on the regimental colours. " Alas, you are too late," said the War Minister. " Here is the pattern of the new colours just sent in by Eamshackel and Shyne, the upholsterers, with whom we have contracted- Read their inscription, which runs in gold across each flag : ' Furnish on the Deferred Pay system !' " Greaser ran over the Home Office, determined to do a stroke of business with policeman's uniforms ; but the Secretary of State stopped him - at the first word :— •" lam sorry to say you are late. On and after New Year's Day every policeman's belt and helm will bear the words :, " Just taste the Buccleuch Lowland Whiskey. A 1 for °" Til go over to the Admiralty," exclaimed the dauntless Greaser, and presently he had an interview with the First Lord :— " Your department is building an enormous new ship, the Indestructible. WelM'llpay the whole bill if I may write my ' soap 'on it, and on all its fixtures, ammunition, ' " offer could really not be de- -, i^^^^^^^'as going to save the taxpayer: a r In due time the Indestructible JSffiSffißHHM^ ■majestic way over the seas, 'with? the Hn&KllPuj Q-reaser's Soap painted on her hull,

on her guns, funnels, anchors, and figure-head. The words were pricked on her seaman's biscuits; they were embossed in brass nails on her quarter-deck ; they were tarred on her mast head, for the sailors to meditate upon while they were on the look-out. Moreover, when the Indestructible, aiding in a little war, had to bombard a little town, the shells which it poured out in liberal quantities all invited England's astonished foes to " Buy Greaser's Soap." But Greaser was melancholy. He began to think he was failing in imagination, when he learned that the patentees of Oyourdone, a delicious non-intoxicating, non-effervescing drink, had contracted to bear the expense of all judicial salaries, on condition of judges and stipendiary magistrates making a complimentary allusion to their beverage every time they pronounced sentence or delivered judgment. The public, which was beginning to get rid of its prejudices by this time, one day heard, without surprise, the Lord Chief Justice condemn a man to be hanged with this preface : " Prisoner at the bar, it was drink that drove you to this crime. I cannot but think that if you had confined your potations to the refreshing drink, Oyourdone, you would not have been standing in this awful position." " The Church remains to meet me ! " exclaimed the intolerable Greaser, and he hied him off to Lambeth Palace. But the Archbishop of Canterbury regretted his inability to do anything for him, as the Upper and Lower Houses of Convocation had just concluded advantageous treaties respecting all the churches of the Establishment.

The dome of St. Paul's had been farmed out to the "Shilling Sherry Company; " the tombs in Westminster^Abbey would, in future, be erected by the Messrs Peacock, of the Mourning Warehouse, who had obtained leave to place their price-lists in the hands of all the statues ; while the Messrs Suckling (Food for. Infants) and the Messrs Lullaby (Soothing Syrup) had divided the steeples and windows of most of the cathedrals between them. " Ah, but I don't care about having my soap written up in the churches," said Greaser, mortified. " What I want is. for your Grace and the Bishops, and all the Vicars and Curates too, to preach about me, or just to touch upon me somehow in their sermons every Sunday. I'll double your stipends if you do." "Oh, I think we can arrange something on those terms," said the Archbishop kindly; and they did. But Greaser was despondent. The first pile of bank-notes which he drew out to pay ecclesiastical stipends with bore a puff of Blackpool and Jigson's Patent Corn Flour round the engraving of Britannia ; whilst on the very next day a new. issue of coin came out of the Mint, with the words " Try Trotman's Mustard " in place of the familiar "Victoria D.G." &c. Every sovereign, shilling, and .^enny7^.np.t.to:jmention half-crowns, sixpences Wd - fMliings— from that' time 5 forth recommended Trotman's mustard, and exhibited the trade-mark of the firm, a fine sheep's head, in lieu of the customary and long-revered image.^ i' There's no battling this kind, .of thing," ijjxclaimed'

but he was too late for the stamps. The Messrs Nibbs, with ther famous " Cock-Bobia Pen," had set their impress on all the penny ones; and Messrs Dandle had bought the privilege of vaunting the Goose-Down Corsets, Layetters, and Wedding Trousseaux on all those of higher price. "I won't be beaten," vowed Greaser, and he started for Downing-street, where he saw the Prime Minister. " I'll take the Civil List in hand," said he, " only let me put my soap on the Crown jewels. I'll engrave it on the Crown, sceptre, orb, swords of Justice, and on the Kohi-i---noor, and the Royal Family shall no more cost you a penny." " Humph ! " murmured the Prime Minister. " I'll portion all the sons and daughters of the Royal Family as they grow up, including those that are quite small," added Greaser. " Done ! " cried the Prime Minister, and he signed an order to the Court jewellers to have all the Crown jewels engraved with the words, " Buy Greaser's Soap." But Greaser felt suicidal. The Messrs Roaster (Venezuela Cocoa), and the Messrs D'Oyley (\Vorld-Wide Hair Rejuvenifier), and the Messrs Brownwell and BO3S (Universally-Famed Jams and Pickles), suddenly made an arrangement with the Postmaster-General to have their names, addresses, and puffs stamped along with the postmark upon every letter, and entered into the contents of every telegram as part of the message. The three enterprising firms had clubbed their resources for this great coup, from which they were to benefit jointly, and it fairly crushed

poor Greaser. He started once more for Down-ing-street, and saw the Premier, to whom lie said:— "l've a new idea. I'll pay everybody's income-tax on condition that I may place a pictorial plate, with motto, "Buy Greaser's Soap," on the front of every palace, house, or cottage rated for taxes of any sort. Does this suit you ? " "It's an enticing offer," acknowledged the Premier, '" but I've just concluded a better bargain. You know the Messrs Wriggle and their Pitch Pine Soap ? " " l\lj worst rivals," moaned Greaser between teeth/ "You don't mean to say " " They're going to pay people's income-tax and land-tax as well," said the Premier, " and, in return, all British Government officials, of whatever degree all over the world, are going to talk of their soap continually at all seasons, and on no matter what pretext." Greaser went home and hanged himself.

" Eagout do bullocksboof ." This delicious and appetising entremet was positively placed before a hungry -working man for breakfast here hy his employer the other day, served up cold and whole. S. (a, new churn), didn't know at first whether it was a kind of shellfish, peculiar to New Zealand or a crocodile's egg. Being suspicious; however, and fearing results if left untouched, he flung it out of the window at a passing cat, accompanied ,by an ejaculation riot found anywhere in the ?ehurch catechism. This is a /trae bill. "