BROKEN HEARTS V. BROKEN JEWELLERY.

Observer, Volume 4, Issue 85, 29 April 1882, Page 99

BROKEN HEARTS V. BROKEN JEWELLERY.

MR FAIRBURN'S PRESENTS

There was a rustle of silk on the stairs, and the light patter of dainty footsteps, which betokened the editorial sanctum was to be gladdened by the visit of one of the fair sex. Hastily gathering up the mutilated remains of the last male interviewer, and flinging them out of the back window, together with the stump of a cigar, scattering a pint of ottar of roses over the gorgeous turkey carpet, and pulling up our shirt-collar, we made ready to receive the visitor with becoming ceremony. A timid rap, and a reassuring " come in," brought on the scene two visions of female loveliness, one of whom was accommodated with a seat in the place of honour, while the other was, with some misgivings, planted in a veteran chair which has begun to display signs of a premature breaking up under the strain of heavy responsibilities. One of the ladies bore in her hand a small box of cardboard, which was calculated to excite apprehensions of female Nihilism. She removed the lid, and invited an inspection of the contents, when we found them to consist of mashed-up fragments of silver, twisted and distorted into the most fantastic forms, as if they had just come out of a bone-mill or a threshing machine. " Ah ! I see, madam," said the boss ink-slinger, heaving a subterranean sigh,and dashing away an apochryphal tear, " there has been a melancholy fatal accident, and these are all that remain of the lamented deceased. You have come to the right shop, madam, to have justice done to her many virtues. We'll give her a biog." " That's not what we've come for." " Then you mean that the lamented deceased was mangled in a saw -mill ; let's see, what was her name, age, and calling ?" " Its not a fatal accident." " A burglary, perhaps ?" "No." " Not a fatal accident, nor a burglary ; then you have discovered a silver mine ?" " Silver fiddlesticks ! These are the remains of a silver collar, locket, bracelets, and a paste diamond ring, presented by Mr Fairburn to Miss , one of the last objects of his undying affection. The odious person has been telling everybody that he gave my daughter presents of jewellery to the value of £35, and that since the engagement was broken off, she has been mean enough to decline to return them. You can judge for yourself as to their value." Assuming the air of a Jew pedler, we made a critical investigation of the curiosities, with the result that we assessed their value at about six long beers. ■ "Well, madame, we understand almost everything in the world,except Coptic and draw poker, but you've got the budge on us if you want these things mended. No one but Brunei or Kohn is equal to such a feat." "We don't want 'em mended. I smashed 'em up myself with the kitchen poker on the stone door-step, and if Fairburn had come for the traslx I intended to fling it in his face. We thought afc first we would punish him by keeping the jewellery, but I considered it. best to pound it up, so that he should not pass it on to any other girl, because I hear he transferred it from Miss to my daughter." " You made pie of 'em ?" .. "A pie? do you suppose, sir, that we've gofc the digestion of an ostrich ? What I want you to do is to say in the Observes that these things will be on view at this office for a few days, and that afterwards Mr Fairburn. can have them by calling ; and I want you to show him up awfully.'* " Hadn't you better send them to the Christ-; church Exhibition? They would excite the wonder of the illustrious savants. You might label 'em ' Remarkable effects of the late earthquake,' 'Singular Relics of Captain Cook,' or ' Remains of the Franklin Expedition." " Sir, I assure you this is no laughing matter ... — our young and innocent affections have been trifled with— our hopes blighted— our— our — " It is enough. We draw a' veil over the scene. Even the hardened heart of an editor is not adamant. The melancholy wreck of love's young dream is on view at this office,and may be inspected by those who feel curious to see what a fearful hash one feeble but resolute female can make (with the aid of a poker) of that which under happier auspices might have been a thing of beauty ' and a joy for ever. May a cursory glance at these sad remains convey a warning to designing men, and act as a beacon to those rash and ignorant husbands who would dare to brave an injured and. indignant female armed with a domestic poker ! Ye gay Don Juans and debauchees Who rove from bower to bower, And sip, like Dr Watts' bees, From every opening flower ; Ye faithless husbands who despise A puny spouse's arm, Graze on this wreck with fearful eyes, And f eelings of alarm. Seek ye your own domestic hearth, Your peaceful fireside, And shun each stray, forbidden path, Nor woman's wrath deride. Seek comforts pure and unalloyed, Abjure the flowing bowls, Take care the poker be employed To poke the burning coals ; Beware lest coals of fire ye bring On your devoted pate, [ Or, reeling home some evening, You find, alas ! too late, The vengeful pok.er with a crash, Decend above your ear, r^» And turn your pate into a hash£ l Like these sad. fragments here. Mr Murchie, the tailor and importer, of Short-land-street, has just' -received a choice assortment of • winter' goods, andciequests a visit of inspection from, his friends and cusjbiners.