The Observer.

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 62, 19 November 1881, Page 146

The Observer.

Saturday, November 19th, 1881

Some of our remarks on " Floating Coffiins " appear to be misunderstood. For instance, in speaking of the Annie Milbank, we had no intention of reflecting upon the vessel in her present condition, nor could such an interpretation be placed upon the language used. It was admitted that a certificate for extended river service, for which she is only intended, had been issued after the vessel had undergone the repairs necessary in the opinion of Mr Jobson. The only reason for mentioning the Annie Milbank at all was to illustrate the necessity for independent and uninfluenced surveys of vessels under such circumstances as were referred to, in order to prevent vessels being sent to sea on the strength of certificates obtained by questionable means.

11l the case under notice, the Marine Surveyor for tlie Associated Companies reported that the repairs contemplated in the specifications supplied by a private surveyor at a cost of six guineas were wholly insufficient," and recommended others. Mr Jobson, on behalf of the Q-overnment, insisted on these further repairs being carried out, and would not pass her until they were completed. Had no application been made to the insurance companies with a view to the insurance of the vessel, the additional repairs might not have been pronounced necessary, and she would probably have resumed her trips with only such insufficient repairs as were recommended' by the private surveyor. We find, however, that the vessel was completely overhauled and substantially strengthened and repaired throughout, that after she was reregistered on the 22nd June last she made regular trips 1o Coromandel and elsewhere, and that, on the whole, she has been in better condition since Mr Jobson passed her than she ever was at any previous period.

Onr remarks are also entirely misunderstood by a miserable namby-pamby apologist of the owners of the Glimpse, if not not one of their employes, in the Herald, signing himself, " A Lover of Eair Play," though his letter reveals him to be anything but that. The effusion reminds one very much of a speech delivered by the late Lord Beaconsfield on the subject of the Irish Famine, which he regarded as a rather fortunate and certainly beneficial act of Providence designed to stimulate emigration. A lover of fair play also sets up as an interpreter of the Divine will, and blasphemously attempts to shuffle the guilt of three lives lost in the G-limpse on to the shoulders of the Deity, who is too long-suffering and merciful to visit the ravings of such a lunatic with the wrath they would deserve if uttered by a sane creature.

Just as the noble lord believed that G-od sent the famine as a gentle hint to the patriotic millions

of Ireland that they must leave the soil of their birth and wander in strange lands, so the subservient flunkey, in the Merald, who is too much of a sneak to sign his own name, would have us believe that the Almighty drowns a certain number of men, women, and little children every year for no reason in particular — except to exonerate wealthy owners and insurance companies from blood-guiltiness. No doubt, if we could get at the name of this impudent blasphemer, who lias the brazen face to pose as an interpreter of the Divine will, we should find him concealed under the cloak of some snivelling sanctimonious hypocrite, who goes regularly to church, teaches in the Sunday-school, distributes maudlin tracts, and shuns all places of innocent amusement, except "kiss-in-the-ring." " Casualities will happen," he says, as if lie were uttering something profoundly original. Just so. "Accidents will happen in the best regulated families," " You can't prevent fools being born," " The iron tea clipper, the fast mail boat, the fishing smack, and the ironclad have all to take their chance." He further tells us : " The elemenis are sometimes too strong for them, and they with their living freight are blotted out from the Tvorld."

Alas ! That such nuisances as this writer are ! not the only h' vmg freight, or that nothing else than their reason is " blotted out." We are to believe that navigation in this age of science is all a happy-go-lucky sort of lottery, like fan-tan, or one of Abbott's big sweeps. It won't do. It's ; too thin. Let anyone read the full account of ;i the wreck of the G-limpse. First there is heavy ■weather, the vessel leaks rapidly and all hands' are at the pumps, a sea strikes her, and the whole forepart opens. " She had been making water more or less ever since leaving Puget Sound" ' But if we are lo believe this plausible hypocrite, in the Herald, all this was the direct act of Providence J

One-fourth of a crew, being not fewer than three men, and not two-thirds as stated in the article on " Floating Coffins," may represent a vessel as unseaworthy, and upon such xepresentations the Customs authorites must institute inquiries. Unfortunately, however, the professional evidence, Lloyds' surveyor, to whom they apply, is often the same person who has in another capacity as a private surveyor, supplied specifications for and approved of repairs, and given the certificate under which the vessel went to sea. Under such circumstances he may be placed in the unpleasant dilemma of having oither to condemn his former action, or to uphold it and rebut the representations of the crew. Ordinarily human nature does not vary much tinder those circumstances, and it is not difficult to predict what the verdict would be.

The much disputed question as to "whether Mr Herbert Clavicle Brooke, A.A., possesses any right to use the fifth rate degree upon which he plumes himself so impudently, is at length finally set at rest. Three months ago -we persuaded an Oxford graduate, who resides in Auckland, to write Home to the University and ascertain from the Secretary to the delegates whether such a person as Herbert Claude Brooke had ever passed the Senior Oxford Local Examination. His reply was to hand by the mail on Saturday last, and is as follows : — " Oxford Local Examinations. Magdalen College, Oxford, 20th September, 1881. Dear Sir,— l have searched the register of names, in accordance ■with the desire contained in your letter of August 12th, and find no entry such as Herbert Claude Brooke. — I am, dear sir, yours faithfully, Or. E. Bakeb."

This is just exactly what we expected. Had Mr Brooke (with his bad English, his execrable grammar, his involved composition, and his insolent pretentiousness) in very truth taken the A.A. degree our faith in the efficacy of classical tuition and a good general education nrast have fallen instanter to zero. Men who are in reality scholars don't behave like Mr Brooke. It, no doubt; occasionally happens that a University man, either through drinking or some similar cause, comes to grief in the colonies ; but he never degenerates into bad grammar, or forgets how to conjugate " tupto." Brooke ruined himself by his absurd vanity and obtrusiveness. Had lie been content merely to style himself A.A. without giving the public a sample of his quality, people -would probably have swallowed the degree, for it is not (as has been frequently pointed out) one to be particularly proud of. When, however, Mr Brooke commenced writing in the Star, the cat ,came out of the bag. His composition was of a kind which would be laughed to scorn in a preparatory school, and people at once began to ask, "Is it possible that such an ignoranxus can have passed an examination ?"

A certain English traveller, who visited Hobart Town, noticed amongst other peculiarities that in some of the " upper stickles " it -was considered very bad form, to display any inquisitiveness as to the paternal ancestry of any of the leading families. The same remark applies with equal force to some of the so-called ruling families in New Zealand, and is even met with among people in humbler Avalks of live. An instance of this came to o\ir knowledge only a few days ago. In a certain firm in Q.ueen-street there is a young man named H., who has risen from obscurity to the honourable and responsible position of manager of a department of the business. Some time ago there was a marriage between a relative of his wife and a young man in a respectable position of society, the lady being referred to by a friend in describing the affair as " the daughter of a watchmaker." Mr H. was indignant at the reference to so plebeian an occupation as that of a watchmaker, and insisted that the proper word would have been "jeweller." Our readers will, no doubt, cease to wonder at this display of snobbish delicacy when they learn that Mr H. himself is only the son of a draper's assistant, and is ashamed of the. fact, for what earthly reason we are at a loss to discover. In the words of Pope : — " Honour and shame from no condition rise ; Act well your part, there all the honour lies," * Mr "William Swanson, who is distinguished for his sturdy independence and contempt of the world of fashion and conventional forms, relates an amusing story of an interview he had a few months ago with no less a personage than Sir Arthur Gordon. Billy was passing Government House m Wellington one day when he met the Governor, who was on horseback, and with his legs encased in an enormous pair of riding boots His Excellency beckoned him to approach. "What have I done to offend you?" asked Sir Arthur. " Offend mo !" replied Mr Swanßon, " how could you possibly offend an individual so humble as I?" " Then " rejoined His Excellency " Why have you always declined the invitations sent by myself and Lady Gordon ?" " Well your Excellency," said the matter of fact legislator, " I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and I should be more at home with an axe than a silver fork. I am not used to grand company." "That's pride," said Sir Arthur. "Well, I have other reasons also." "By all means let us have the other reasons." " The other reasons, then, that I have are my own notions of hospitality. For instance, if a gentleman invites me to his hoxtse and entertains' me with the best in the country I am not justified in accepting his hospitality unless I am in a position to return it on equal terms. In my circumstances this is not possible. I have neither the means nor the tastes to reciproiate your Excellency's invitations, and therefore by accepting yours I should be merely a kind of respectable loafer." " But you seem to forget," said the Governor " that the Legislature has made liberal provision by a special vote for such hospitality as befits the representative of the Crown." "If I have a friend," said Swanson he may either invite me to his house, or I may ask him to mine ; and you may come with me to my hotel now if you like or at any time you please." " Well," replied His Excellency, "Lady Gordon and myself will bo at home at 10 o'clock to-morrow evening and I lay my commands on you to come to Government House." "At home at ten," replied Billy— " I should rather think you would be. All respectable," people ought to be at home at that hour, if they are not in their beds." , His Excellency laughed and remarked as he rode away "Remember we shall expect you." After all, however, Swanson did not go. Evidently he does not appreciate fashionable late hours.

There is an undeveloped industry that may bo commended to some of our Queen-street friends and their brother speculators. They will be quite at home in carrying out its details, from their past experience in other enterprises. We have no hesitation in advocating another raid on the fire offices — marine risks for some time past have been risky in the extreme — but would suggest our friends following the American example, and speculating in the "life" business. The plan is very simple, and obtained some notoriety in England when Palmer was hung for poisoning the wife of his bosom, whose life was dearer to the insurance office than to her lord. He did the thing, however, very clumsily, and got much talked about ? He ran too great a risk. The business is very safe and very simple if care is taken in the preliminary arrangements. When the company has been formed two things are necessary to have to guarantee success — an insurance company, the directors of which are m the " swim," and a private lunatic asylum. The asylum could have been dispensed with had Dr Skae not departed and Mr Whitelaw migrated from New Zealand.

The " objects " of the company will bo twofold — social and political. The social aspect of the business will be found in insuring at a high price the value of the lives of those who are willing to die. Since the Grovernment entered into the business of " taking lives," no number of diseases will prevent a man's life " being taken." In the

political phase of the speculation the surest and most -Valuable sources of income will be found. Every Cabinet Minister will have his life insured by the company. As his life and deeds are all made a source of profit while he holds 1 office at the present time, Ms death will prove as fortunate an event for the speculators as his taking office. By this simple plan a powerful check would be held over men who would do as they are told when administering the affairs of the Colony. When one of the "social" subjects was not willing to die when directed or desired to depart from this life, he or she could be handed over to the care of the lunatic asylum, and as the insurance company only • would have an interest in their existence, no inquiry would arise when they passed away. Some greater difficulty perhaps may be experienced in accounting for the demise of political "subjects," but they could die a natural death in the easiest manner possible. A gentle restraint, judiciously exercised, would produce results that a coroner's jury would find itself at fault to discover.

Let Yogel, for instance, have notlring to do and strawberries and cream to eat at all hours of the day and night, and his eyes would not long stand out with fatness. If any doubt is entertained on this subject, Ebenezer Fox can be consulted. The tests of sanity could be made very simple. For instance, lot Major Atkinson be directed to add up figures correctly and avoid making two-and-two five ; let the Attorney-General have the task set him of drafting a bill that would secure its intentions ; Mr Bryce be told to draft a proclamation in decent English ; or the Premier told to show the public where his honour is to be found in the records of his public life. If any of these gentlemen were put in a cell until they performed their tasks, it is well known they would never come out alive again; ' Give Mr Bryce, for instance, a Maori sole companion for a month, and he would pass away like the moa. If Mr George McLean and Mr James Macandrew dwell only a few weeks together, there would only be a lingering resonance of diluted Doric and the aroma of undiluted whiskey lingering about their habitation. The Premier, for instance, would die were he long to drink wine to the health of Sir Arthur Gordon ; and the life of Sir George Grey would not be worth a day's purchase could missionary descendants have the providing him with food. Considering "the potentiality of growing rich beyond the dreams of avarice," by the carrying out of this plan of " graveyard insurance," the wonder is that it has not been adopted and practised before. "We throw out the salient details, as we said we would, for the benefit of our speculative readers.

Tho proprietor of the Observer has obtained permission from the Colonial Secretary, Thomas Dick the devout, to offer a number of medals to successful competitors who may choose to pass an examination in the Observer curriculum as eligible candidates for Parliamentary honours. It is needless to assert that the passing of this "little go " will " go " well with the electorates. Sir Maurice O'Rorke has kindly consented to act as examiner. The design of the medals and the date when the services of Sir Maurice can be obtained will appear in our next issue. There can bo no appeal from the late Speaker's decision. Men in the Middle Island can send in applications to oixr office, to be examined at any date before the end of this month. Entrance fee, £2 2s. Sir Maurice O'Eorke has drawn up the following questions, to which written answers will have to be drawn : — 1. Do you prefer Jamieson's brand of Highwhiskey to the Highland blend ? 2. Are you in favour of flogging female prisons ? 3. "Will you sit down when you are told ? 4. Can you understand the multiplication table ? 5. Do you play billiards ? 6. Are you an uncertificated bankrupt ? V. Have you a grievance, or a log to roll ? 8. What value do you attach to your vote ? 9. What is your favourite colour in women's hair ? 10. Can you playlawn-tennis ? 11. How many soda-and-brandies do you drink before breakfast ? 12. Are you very loquacious after midnight ? 13. Do you know the difference between political economy and political meanness ? 14.. Will you vote for an increase of the Speaker's salary ? 15. Will you subscribe to the Observer, and pay your subscription ? 16. Would you help the Catholics to get a sum of money on the estimates to educate their children ? 17. Are you a Land-leagner ? 18. Have you been a resident in a lunatic asylum or an inmate of a debtors' cell ? 19. Can you add numbers together without using your fingers ? 20. Define the difference between a land-shark and a water-shark. 21. Does your wife say you are woodenheaded ?

A good story is told of one of the paternal ancesters of Sir Arthur Q-ordon. There was a general rise of rents on his estate, and 'one of the tenants a farmer named Marr paid his lordship a visit in order to protest against the additional burden. The man declared it was worse going to the agent, so he had determined to apply to headquarters. "But it is good land, and you ought to be able to pay " said his lordship. " I have a very large family," plaintively, replied the tenant, " I have twelve sons, and there is a sister for every one of them." " Bless me," exclaimed his lordship, in his astonishment at this extraordinary fecundity, " how many wives have you got?" " Only one, my lord.'' Very extraordinary, very, in fact quite remarkable," rejoined the greatinan, to. whom such productiveness in a monogamous condition was unprecedented, "you certainly have a large number of mouths to fill, and going to his desk he carefully wrote out an order, to the agent which he handed to the farmer, who bowed his way out with many expressions of gratitude. The rent was to remain as before the rise. . The story was recently related to Sir Arthur .Gordon by an Auckland member, but his Excellency appeared to be rather sceptical as to the precise number of the old tenant's family.

An Auckland resident who used to be a power in the land in the glorious old days when Maurice Kelly's working bullocks were on the electoral roll, tells a good story of his experiences during a recent visit to a country district. Haying the reputation of an expert in election matters the local Eegistration officer sought his advieo in deciding on the qualifications of a number of persons who desired to be placed in tho electoral roll. The work was duly gone through and the forms completed, until they came to one claim that appeared to be doubtful, The claimant was examined as to the nature of his qualification. He stoutly maintained his right to exercise the franchase, and being questioned as to his property he said the locus in quo was the cemetery. He was promptly informed that he could not be placed on the roll for such a qualification. "But " said tho applicant " I have erected a tombstone on that sacred spot at a cost of £45, and I can solemnly swear that I am thus possessed of property worth £25 as . required by the Act." As the man displayed such laudable anxiety to excercise the privileges of an elector, and is moreover known to be a staunch supporter of the Hall (Government, his request was acceded to.

One of those strange tales "which make a fellow wonder whether truth is not after all Stranger than fiction, has just transpired, arid in a few days time will, without doubt, be town talk. About two years ago a young swell, a "regular don " in appearance and gifted with any amount of gentlemanly cheek, made a protracted stay in, Auckland. To begin with, he had plenty of money and was sufficiently lavish to lead people to dub him generous, but, when, one fine morning he disappeared as suddenly as he had come it transpired that parties at the club and elsewhere held any number of his 1.0.U.'a. This was discouraging but more had yet to eventuate. Numerous tradesmen were let in by my gentleman, and some of them had the bad taste to apply to the Club for payment, hinting that strangers should not be made honourary members without a little being known about them.

Now amongst the families A made acquaintance with were the X 3 whom it is needless to say are notable folks in Auckland. Miss X was particularly sweet on the young fellow and when he went- everyone noticed how downcast she appeared. The reason has now transpired. During his stay here our young adventurer married Miss X , believing her father to be a rich man and when he found that worthy was merely the hanger on of a big firm he bolted. The marriage was consumated about 18 months ago at church one summer morning with no witnesses save a bosom friend of the lady's. It is through the latter the secret has now oozed out, and words cannot tell what an excitemtent the disclosure has created. By next week we shall, no doubt, have learned further details.

Jones : " Hallo ! I thought you were at the frontier?'? Brown: "No; but I shall be in the front teir at Grey's meeting in the Choral Hall." Exit Jones. Are you suffering from indigestion, and have tried almost every remedy? Then try one moreGardner's Digestive Wine, which is a certain cure in nine cases out of every ten, and is pleasant to the taste, Gardner's English Pharmacy, 184, Queen-street. In answer to special enquiry from Mexico, we beg to state that the best Boot and Shoe Factory in New Zealand is that of Messrs Garrett Bros.* Wakefleldstreot, Auckland, and this firm could complete an order to cover the feet of the Moxican army without the slightest trouble. On board the City of Cork, at the fishing parly the other day first one said, "I'm .awfully hungry/" then another said he was " frightfully hungry," and by-and-bye everyone said they were "precious hungry." They thought it was the sea air. It was nothing of the sort. The hunger was caused from the fact of one of the party having a bottle of Crawford's celebrated Sarsaparilla Tonic in his pocket, and the whole party felt the effect. Everyone should go and see Munro and Milligan's latest importation in the way of clothing material. In consequence of their admirable arrangement on the time payment system, their business has so increased as to render it necessary to have larger supplies of goods than they hitherto have done, and the stock they have now opened is worthy of inspection. Some enterprising burglars burgled a place the other night, and on entering a bedroom saw a man sleeping peacefully. One of tho would-be burglarsgazed on the countenance of the sleeper, and then, earnestly beckoning to his mate, left the room. When outside the man said, "Wo mustn't rob this house ; I know the owner, and would not do him an ininry." "Who is he?" exclaimed the mate. "It is Singleton, the famous jeweller of Hobson and Victoria street," ■was the reply, andthey both left the house. Herbalist doctors are springing up everywhere. A new one has started in Hobson-street, but we certainly caution people to be very careful how they use herbs as a medicine unless given by an experienced hand. As a medicine they are simple and efficacious, but so many accidents have ocourred through ignorant persons administering herbal remedies that it behoves everyone who prefers herbal medicine to ascertain they, are being applied by a person who thoroughly understands his business. The only person wo know of in Auckland qualified by experience and long practice to prescribe for this trnly admirable course of medicine, is Professor Guscott, of Shortland-street, whose fame as a herbalist doctor is renowned over New Zealand.