THIS WICKET WORLD

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 56, 8 October 1881, Page 60

THIS WICKET WORLD

EContributious to this column cordially invited. Special arrangements made with regular correspondents.]

— No " free " beer and cheese this election, my "boys ; anything else you like. — The North Shore folks have determined to have no grumblers belonging to their Regatta Committo "this" time. — The A.E.C. men cannot agree with the sewer, and intend to find a new site for their ioating shed. — The new Ferry Company will, it is hoped, *' stump up " the price of a cup for the North Shore Regatta. — The spread given by Mr Corcoran on the occasion of the opening of the Tiki Battery was one of the grandest ever held in Coromandel. — One or two pretty girls came out in the Zealandia. The passengers of the opposite sex appear to be veritable " new chums." '■ — Just fancy an Auckland lawyer congratulating himself on the fact that one of his female clients was dead. — The Northcote folks are mad because the old JTerry Company sold out. They expected to make .something out of the competition. —The lucky Trimbles. The gallant old Colonel has secured a Comissionership on the Taranaki Second Bush railway route. — Despite the cry outagainst -c Society " papers they increase in numbers daily. The Wellington Advertiser is the latest accession to the list. — The new mill, which is being built in Fortstreet, to prevent Shortland-strcet caving, is mown as " John Lamb's Folly." — We have discovered a criniealtural treasure in Newton in the shape of a dumb barber. It is to be hoped the Mason Bros, and Mr Shortt will take the hint. — It would be interesting to know whether the festive Maori at Waiwera has obtained an owner yet for the horse " with a Jewish east of countenance." — The eight Wade settlers charged with conspiracy and perjury are as fine, strapping, and muscular a set of young fellows as one would see in a ten day's march. — If you have seen Alderman in " Hamlet" you won't want to go Home to see Irving and Edwin Booth, while all recollection of Gf. V. Brook will Tanish from your memory for ever. — Some of the men who mustered at the drill shed on Friday morning were burning with military enthusiasm, but it was soon quenched when Major Whithers told them their services were aiot required. — It was very tantalizing of the Grovcmmcnt to discontinue the ten per cent reduction on the pay of the police, and then three weeks later to reduce all salaries by sixpence per day. Mac says lie will join the field force. — A Photographic opera-glass is one of the latest inventions, it is not larger than an ordinary opera-glass, and by its aid the photograph of a group, or a monument, or anything else, may be taken instantaneously. — Lord Folkestone and Cfeneral Burnaby are among the promoters of a scheme to re-people Palestime. The first thing these gentlemen will do, if they mean business, is to send oft' a cargo of poor curates and their wives. Palestine will be overpopulated in ten years. — The probable results of the war on the West Coast are tersely summed up in the Dunedin Herald as follows: — "A few more millions of money expended in Taranaki, and a few more Maoris exterminated for the benefit of the people of Taranaki." — Some Symonds-street residents are complain g of the antics of a young man whose bicycling proclivities are indulged occasionally to the endangerment of the passers by. The young man always takes the footpath, and is evidently practising Low close ho can go to people without knocking them down and breaking an arm or a leg. — The London Bird-tf -Freedom sent a reporter to the Volunteer Review at Windsor with instructions to put into verse any little social incident that tickled his fancy. This was the result : — In a sweet gauzy costume of pink, A limp lump of loveliness lay ; The knowing ones said it was drink, Her mother, the heat of the day. — A draper carrying on business not a hundred miles from the tipper part of Q.ueen-strcet, is on the fair road to the acquirement of a substantial fortune. He has adopted the profitable principle of charging 25 per cent, on all accounts that are looked. — Several complaints have reached us about a family of lads residing at Brighton, Parnell who are said to be renowned for the brutal cruelties they practice on dumb animals. We have a long letter on the subject but shall hold it over till we see whether the complaints are renewed. — A commercial traveller writes from Taimuiga to complain of the cheap generosity of a brother bagman who, after volunteering to lend his horse to a friend, quietly decamped, first of all telling the livery stableman not to give up the animal unless some one presented his (the bagman's) •written permission. — The detectives arc on the look-out for the fellow who is pasting every available spot on telegraph poles, street-doors, and shutters, with striking religious handbills, which have one word in the centre printed in two -inch black letters. — An actor down South who was recommended •to become better acquainted with Lindley Murray, thought reference was made to one of the reporters of a paper which had criticised him severely. He waited on the editor, and in reply to the inquiry, " Have you a reporter on your paper named Lindley Murray ?" was informed that the man had died some years ago. "It's lucky for him," said the Thespian, " I would have knocked spots off him." — Some malicious vagabond managed to take Out several notes from the pianoforte in the Theatre the other night and fling them under the Stage. It is to be hoped the miscreant will be discovered and severely punished, as he richly deserves to.be. Neylon, the working men's advocate, was one ©£ the seventy men who mustered at the drillalied on Friday in order to take up arms for the protection of his country, and open bis pocket, for

the reception of seven bob a day. His services were accepted, and consequently lie will be missed from the forthcoming political campaign. — If anyone is to blame for the difficulty about the Auckland recruits, for the Armed Constabulary, it is Major Withers. Had he made arrangements for selecting the men immediately on receipt of his instructions, instead of per- ! mitting four or five days to elapse, forty or fifty Aucklanders might have been selected. — No mentionhasbeenmadeinthenewspapersof the fact that when Ormond's no-confidence motion was being discussed, the Hon. Walter Johnstono telegraphed to his brother Sydney Johnstone, at Napier, to the effect that if tho Ministry wore defeated they would appeal to the Country forthwith. — A witness in a recent Police Court Case forgot himself after being sworn, and placed the Bible in his pocket. He remembered nothing about it until sometime afterwards, when he found the "unrevised edition" where it should not have been. Meantime, witnesses had to be sworn on the Court dictionary. They would have been rather surprised had they known the fact. — A " drunk," who was brought up before the Cliristchureh Bench the other day, had as many previous convictions as covered two closelywritten pages of foolscap. "I know, your Honor," naively remarked the prisoner, " that ifc would take an express wagon to bring up all my convictions." He was discharged with a caution. — Those who read the U.S. Consul's reply to Mr Josiah Firth's letter of condolence on President Gfarfield are much excercised in their minds as to what that phrase about " Hie flowers of a beautiful spirit" may mean. We are inclined to think the word should have been written "flour," and that a delicate reference to Josiah's business was intended. —What does T. B. H. mean by advertising for " blacksmiths who arc workmen ?" Did anyone ever see such a curiosity as a live blacksmith who was not a workman? But perhaps T. B. 11., with that delicate vein of satire which distinguishes all his actions, meant to insinuate that there are blacksmiths who do not work — the one in Vulcan-lane, for instance. — If Mr Bectham, who is buying up all the Wellington cats with a view to an experiment in connection with the extermination of rabbits will appoint an Auckland agent we can promise him a plentiful supply. There are many first-class felines for the business in all parts of the town, whose nocturnal catterwauling would be warranted to scare any number of rabbits to death. — They have been doing some painting at the Auckland Club and the other day several placards with the legend " wet paint" thereon were spread about. Old G-., who (as most people know) can't read, came in one morning, and, thinking the placards must be " For Sale" at once began to question a member as to the committee's reasons for selling, &c. His face, on being told the inscription was " wet paint" is said to have been a picture. Gr. doesn't like being found out. — A novel idea has been started by the Civil Servants in Wellington — " A number of them are going to join together, and will elect one tailor, one butcher, one baker, and so forth, to whom they will pledge themselves to give all their custom on condition that a reduction off the usual prices is allowed them." So far as some of the Civil Servants are concerned, we pity the unfortunate tradesmen who may be selected for this distinguished monopoly. — The study of the science of book-keeping must have received a great impetus since the action of Mr Justice G-illies at the last sitting in Bankruptcy. In three cases the fiat of the Court sentenced the bankrupts to a fate resembling that of Mahomet's coffin,— suspension between insolvency and the whitewash brush — for periods ranging from six to twelve months, smd in each case improperly kept books formed the prominent grounds for suspension. — Mr Swillkins McFuddle, an old toper, who read the letter of Mr Frank C. Parish, bee-master, in the Herald, last Monday, says there are many remarkable points of resemblance between himself and the Ligurian bee, which is so highly commended. For instance that little bit about the Ligurian being "the first out in the morning, and the last in at night, and the heaviest in the apiary." Our correspondent says that those who are in the habit of remaining out late on the bee(r) ought to be known in the future as Ligurians, or rather Liquorians. — The Theatre concert of Professor Calico (as we heard a gentleman in the pit call him) was a great success and very creditable to all concerned. A party who had been to see " On Gfuard" the previous evening held forth during the interval about the superiority of amateur concerts to amateur theatricals. "It is," quoth he " some satisfaction to see our young tradesman devoting their evenings to a wholesome study of music, but I'm blessed if I can stand ' four bob' to watch a lot of conceited duffers muddle through " Box and Cox." Rough, wasn't it ? — At St. Paul's, last Sunday, tho reverend incumbent preached an eloquent discourse on the subject of liberality to churches. Ho said now that the Civil Servants have had their ten per cent refunded they should give it to tho Church. They had managed to get on during the reduction very well, and he felt sure they would not feel the need of it. Wo are prepared to offer long odds that the Civil Servants will most strongly object to this proposal, even although it is a good moral axiom " that it is more blessed to give than to receive." — What is that we lioar concerning the telegram from Colonel Roberts to Major Withers telling him not to take on any old A.C. men for service on the Plains until he has personally inspected their discharge certificates ? It certainly looks as if the authorities wished to punish those men who resigned on the reduction- of their pay last yea-r by excluding them now there is a chance of their doing something in the service of their country. If it is as we surmise, it is as contemptible as the action of the Telegraph authorities in notifying the Telegraph Commissioners of other colonies of the names of the operators who struck. — The persecuted Hebrews in Timbuctoo or wherever it is, have not benefited to the extent people might think by the Amateur Dramatic Society's entertainment. Notwith- , standing that the uae of the Theatre was given

gratis tlie expenses totted up to over seventy pounds, so that though the takings amounted to £120, the charity will only receive £50. Many people don't think this at all " the cheese" and it is to bo feared the next time the Society play for a charity, they will meet -with but scant support. —Here is an idyllic fragment : — In times of old — lust year, let's say — We said a fool was " yappy " ; We've coined another word to-day, And call a smart mau '• snappy." ■ — Old Peter B. (an irreverent old rascal) was taken last Sunday (against his will) to a Dissenting Chapel. He was told that all the service avoulcl be extemporary. But by and bye the minister recited the Lord's Prayer. Then Peter, a staunch Churchman, saAV his opportunity. Turning to his next neighbour, he remarked in a loud voice: "He 'stole that prayer, and I'll bet on it. I heard it almost Avord for Avorcl at a children's service at St. Paul's over tAventy years ago." N.B.— We believe that the occasion, thus pathetically alluded to by Peter, Avas that of his last appearance in an established place of ■worship. —A man at Timaru lias " accidentally" shot his Avife with a revolver. These kind of " accidents" Avill happen occasionally even in the best regulated bar rooms, but one is curious to know how that übiquitous revolver invariably happens to be flying around loose. The animal should be' muzzled or chained up, so that it might not thus "revolve, re-revolve, and so revolving," kill somebody every now and again. The present occurrence, however, points to the existence of a hvw of compensation. The domestic " accidents" are most frequently on the other and " Avorser" side of the house and usually occur through the agency of rolling pins and flat irons, superintended by a little broom handle. Benedicts all round are jubilantly preparing to " ring out the old ;wid ring in the now" and improved style of accident. — What means all this dreadful anxiety on the part of our young men to seek the bubble reputation at the cannon's mouth? One cannot help a feeling of astonishment at all this haste to get shot. Because Mr F. Feltus and some other exceedingly bellicose persons have not been afforded an opportunity of becoming targets for Te Whiti's sharp-shooters, of achieving immortality, and satisfying that craving Avhiclt the "young Colonists" exhibit for grants of land by securing a nice plot of G by 3, there is an outpouring of grief and tribulation, and angry letters in the newspapers. Why not let the Middle Island people have a turn at Avar ? It opens a new method of readjusting the population between the two islands, and depriving the South of its predominance in the House of Representatives when the existing Representation Act expires. Joking aside, lioavever, the Government have treated with scant courtesy the Auckland men avlio offered themselves as recruits in response to Major Withers' invitation. The only excuse avo can suggest is that Mr Rolleston would be glad to have an opportunity of killing off some of the unemployed of Christchurch avlio are clamouring for aid in the form of public Avorks. — Wo learn from a "nice" reporter that the Auckland ladies have not only a good opinion of the Public Library, but can condescend to record that opinion for the benefit of us male bipeds. Some of the commendations are rather too, too gushing, but no one can fail to admire the candour and naivete of one charming creature, Avho declares that the gentlemen's department of the Library is by far the best place ! Oh my ! Avouldn't she just like to pay a visit to those forbidden precincts ! Isot, of course, to see any of those ridiculous male creatures, but because, you knoAv— because — . Just so ! Because the " sex," from the days of Adam down to those of Bluebeard, and later still, evince the same eager thirst for research in the field of experimental knoAVledge ! — What has become of the bill introduced into the Assembly this session altogether debarring landlords from seizing their tenants effects for rent ? There Avas considerable stir amongst the landlords Avhen this bill Avas first introduced, and we suppose they must have been strong enough to squash it. We Avere rather amused at the time at the landlords signing a petition to Parliament against the bill, because it is evident that if such a matter Avas to be decided by numerously-signed petitions, a tenants petition in favour of it must,, from the very nature of the case, greatly outnumber as regards siguatures, any petition the andlords could produce against it. — It Avill be remembered that Mr Bryce, Avhen Native Minister, Avas Avont to be virtuously indignant OA'er the extraA'agancc of his predecessors in office, and piously, denounced the conduct of the Land Purchase Department. It Avas understood that Mr Bryce Avas a paid political Hercules, Avhose mission Avas to cleanse the Augean State, and like Washington he was Avontto boast that he had ncA'er told a lie in his life. Since Mr Bryce's resignation, however, some facts have come to light Avhich show that ho was not qtiite the official Simon Pure that his friends represented him to be. Amongst other cases, we hear of a Southern laAvyer, and friend of the poAvers that be avlio ro-ceiA-ed two sums of £462 and £483 through Mr Bryce an account, of two land purchases Avhich have not yet been completed, nor are likely to be this side of Doomsday. Why did not the Piiblie Accounts Committee, Avhich made such a dead set at Bees, investigate this matter. — The Herald the other day had a very learned article on some of the vai'kms theories lately projKrandcd as to the origin of the English race, and in the course of the article the writer stated that it Avas manifestly incredible that the first invaders of Britain could have entirely exterminated the aborigines. We would like to ask this sapient historical guide, what has become of the aborigines of Tasmania ? and Avhether it is manifestly incredible that they could haA r e entirely disappeared ? Also whether it is manifestly incredible that the Australian blacks, the New Zealand Maories and the North American Indians could ever disappear ? At the rate all these races are vanishing before the descendants of those very people who first invaded Britain, the argument is strongly in favour of the supposition (amounting indeed almost to a certanity) that the aborigines of Britian melted away like the morning deAV before the hot onslaught of their invaders.

- — Let the yoxing colonials who haTe been tearing their hah 1 and gnashing their teeth ever since Ashmeadßartlett, married the Baroness BurdettCoutts — let these young men, we say, be comforted. Bart's hick -wasn't so great, after all. He didn't marry a title, as was generally supposed — the titlemarried him, and no man knows it better than himself when he sees it recorded in the morning papers that the Baroness Burdettc-Coutts " and her husband " were doing this thing or the other. " Her husband!" Great and glorious Jerusalem! If she were young, beautiful and charming, the distinction would be unpleasant . enough ; but when she is old, ugly and crotchetty' — ugh ! Then again, the unhappy Bart has saddled himself with a load of names and surnames, connected -with hyphens and otherwise, until lie needs a ream of paper for his signature, a table of logarithms to tell him their order, and a chart and compass to read them when Avritten. As to her fortune, it is great, of course, and we hear that Bart ia allowed some pin money out of it ; but imagine his feelings as lie sees his better half endowing it all ways on hospitals and flannel jackets for the heathen ! Picture his remorse as he marks the old woman, whom lie expected to kill wth " lore," growing younger very day ! Imagine, if you can, his feelings when ho reads in the papers that " domestic matters will render it necessary for the Baroness to retire from actiA'e public life for a few months !" 'Twas bad enough to be her hub, With hope to be sole heir ; Bnt O, the horror when a cub Must all her millions share !