THIS WICKED WORLD

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 52, 10 September 1881, Page 618

THIS WICKED WORLD

—Banged hair is becoming fashionable at Otahuhu. — Alf Gilbert has started on another cruise to the Islands. — The Dramatic Club at Otahuhu is rapidly recruiting members. — One of the Mount Albert belles will be glad to hear that Arthur Shetton is coming back to Auckland in a day or two. — -Persons residing in houses in -which there are cases of scarlet fever hare no business to attend places of public amusement. — It is said that a certain bootmaker is going to offer himself as Mayor at the next election. There is nothing like leather j —When is the London Arcade wedding coming off ? Let us hope that the young man will make a Goodson-in-law. — In reply to " Enquirer," we have pleasure in stating that Miss Florence Delorine and Miss Florence Edwards are one and the same. — Two Auckland footballists are reported to have lost their hearts on the occasion of the recent match at Hamilton. — Freeman's Bay Reclamation is becoming a popular place for carriage and dray accidents. There were several last week. — " A Miner " is sorry tlxe dynamite case did not come off at the Supreme Court, as Bottles of Grog would have figured largely in the evidence. — That lecture on Chaucer cost the notable Claud over £11. "In this manner," he says, " do the the Auckland people reward genius." — The very next time the H.B. Engineer sees a certain stool on the wharf " it's going overboard." Oh, indeed, is it ? — On dit that the St. Matthew's'people propose holding a grand bazaar in November, in aid of the building fund of the new church. The fund now totals up to the respectable amount of £4000. — The Baptist young ladies of Auckland arc investing all their spare cash in photographs of " that dear Mr Spurgeon." Mrs Ilampson is below par at present. — The Government expect, by the introduction of the telephone, to make the receipts of the telegraph system of the Colony balance the expenditure. — -Is it a fact that John McL., late skipper of the N., has been appointed to the command of the old Harbour Board dredge ? We did not hear this " officially." — The policemen have been unusually active since they were told that they would receive their salaries in future without the ten per cent, reduction. Small cash is plentiful with them now. — An amorous young couple were observed fondly kissing each other in Symonds-street last Wednesday evening. The loud " guffaw " of an unseen spectator brought the loving pair back to this hard wicked world again. — " Who is Mr A. Bull, and how in the name of gross mismanagement did such a nonenity become Chairman of the Acclimatization Society ?" Everybody is asking these questions, but nobody appears able to answer them. — It was Shakespeare who spoke about " the most unkindest cut of all." We don't care whether the Swan said it or not. We shall go down to the silent tomb asserting that, whoever said it, its demnition bad grammar. — Domestic Scene. — Mistress (Jtorrified) — Good gracious, Bridget, have you been using one of my stockings to strain the coffee through ? Bridget (apologetically) — Viz, mum, but shure, I didn't take a clane one. — There is an " artist " physician in NeAV York whose specialty is extracting the red blood from topers' noses and making them of a virgin white*ess. Such a doctor would find plenty to do in Auckland. — The young lady who left St. James' choir because one of her companions was appointed leader in Mrs Mitchells place, has not yet returned, but will do so shortly, if all accounts arc correct. — The spruce telegraph operator, who attempted to blow Charlie Howe's lung-tester round, and got his face, hair, and silken moustache covered with flour, swears dire vengeance against the owner of that infernal machine. — Eggs plentiful at 8d per dozen ! and yet the members of Parliament are wasting their time at Wellington, and deferring the warm and decidedly pleasant parades before their constituencies from week to Aveek. Egg and election seasons somehow seldom come together. — Mr Ewington has forwarded a very anrusing and satirical letter in reply to our chaffy paragraph re his purchasing Blackstone. It is rather long, and, besides, tells a little against ovirselves, so we have determined to excercisc the editorial privilege and hold it over. — The young man who stumbled into that hole at the corner of Cook and Sale-streets, and was thereby made the subject of much feminine mirth, remarked that " the new lamp was a very good thing, but he would like to see a member of the Council in the same position as he was." — Teacher to Sunday-school scholar: "Now, my little fellow, who was the first man ?" Answer :," Adam." Teacher : " Correct ; and the first woman ?" Answer : " Mrs Adam, of course." That youth was asked no more questions. — " Huffier," of Vanity Fair, was told the other day upon unimpeachable authority that the society which had been formed under the patronage of Lord Mayor McArthur for putting down the gaming-tables at Monaco is so much in earnest that a well-known English resident at Nice was asked to collect signatures, and offered a pound a-heajd. It argued considerable disinterestedness on his part to have declined the proposal, for, as he said, " all the people in Nice ■would sign their souls away for two francs."

— The appearance of that gaol-like edifice, St. St. Andrew's Church, is to be improved by the addition of a portico, a toAver and spire, at an estimated cost of £1000. The Rev. A. Carrick announced the fact at evening service last Sunday. — A person in Auckland is so strongly persuaded of the strict impartiality which the new Ferry Company shows in all business transactions that he ' has laid 2 to 1 a certain party -will get the second steamer to build. He says he made a similar wager last time, and Avon. Wo aAvait the result. — If the person who wanted to bet that the Observer's circulation Avas not 4000 will put a £5 in the hands of Mr Willie Wilson, of the Herald, avc Avill do ditto, and Avill leave it to that gentleman to decide by the inspection of our books, etc., avlio is right. Of course the Avinner will receive the £10. — The gentlemen of the jury in Ireland are, as is known, a pretty average-looking lot of ruffians. Now at a recent trial the judge Avas about to pass sentence on the prisoners at the bar, of whom there Avere several, when a witty Irish barrister said, " Not too long a sentence, my lord ; you'll want them he/ore long to try the jury .'" — For a good old type of Joe Miller • commend iis to the following : — An old gentleman of eightyfour led to the altar a young girl of sixteen. " The font is at the other end of the Church," said the clergyman. "What do I Arant Avith the font ?" said the old gentleman. "Oh I thought that you had brought this young girl to be christened " Avas the reply. — There hare been lively times in the Mongonui County Council lately, and the meeting last Aveek Avas no exception to the rule. Mac, atlio is known to his colleagues as the " missing link," Avas in particularly good spirits, and executed a faultless highland fling for the edification and amusement of the audience. Two of the members, at least, Avould have felt more comfortable, however, if the shillelagh business had been omitted. —Madame Lotti Wilmot has been sued for an advertising account at Marton, and judgment was given against her. She sent a characteristic note to the presiding R.M., which, however. Avas of no avail. It appears to be one of Lotti's amiable peculiarities to advertise freely and then forget to pay. We have a little account against her ourselves, and so by all accounts have other Auckland papers. — -America lias discovered something besides a Tichborne Claimant -a iicav remedy for sea sickness. An American physician has recently stated that chloroform taken on sugar and supplemented by bromide of potassium, Avill prove an effectual prevention and cure. We should advise all travellers, therefore, to furnish themselves at once Avith a sugar basin, a bottle of chloroform, and a good supply of bromide of potassium. — There was a pleasant social gathering of the teachers and Bible-class of St. James' Sundayschool last Thursday. French tig, Jolly-miller, and several other games were varied Avith musical selections. The most interesting part of the programme was the presentation of a beautiful volume to Mrs McLean, a former lady teacher, who has recently entered the bonds of matrimony. Her husband replied in a neat speech. — One of the strangest farms in the Avorld is the gigantic terrapin farm of Mr Dorton, in Alabama, which is stocked at present with twenty thousand head of turtle, that are reared and fattened for the New York Market. They eat nothing in winter, and they can be fattened on crabs in summer, at a cost of a dollar a dozen. Mr Dorton sells them at a dollar each in New York. What does a turtle cost in Auckland Avhen you can get one ? — A correspondent at Whnngarei writes to inform us that the skipper of the Argyle (very shy, isn't he ?) has had a whaleboat built especially for the regatta, that he keeps it down there, and that the crew are going into practice like very demons from noAv until the event comes off. We recommend our Auckland men to look to their laurels. "Forewarned is forearmed," you know. — People complain that the cost of living is considerable in Auckland, and yet a dining establishment recently opened, not a hundred miles from the wharf, announces on handbills which haA'o been freely distributed about town that hungry humanity Avill be s(o) up-plied Avith soup and bread from 7 a.m. till 10 p.m. for 3d. What more can be desired than board at Is9dper Aveek. Tommy Macffarlano Avill haA'o to get the orthodox schedule ready for filing, I fear. ■ — -"Have you seen Mrs M's dress?" a man asked at a ball in London the other day. "No • I saw her, but could not make out any dress," Avas the reply. At a fancy ball in Paris, not long ago, a Avell-known beauty appeared in a cloudy costume of green gauze — •" quite too awfully " decollef.ee. " What do you represent, Duchess ?" inquired Alexander Dumas. "I am Amphitrite," simpered the lady. "Ah ! at low tide," observed the famous noA'elist caustically. — Apropos of the groAving tendency to wear small crinolines or crinolettes Truth has the following : — ■ Oh ! Crinoletto, on fashion keen If you go on expanding 1 , As grew your mother Crinoline, There'll bo no room for standind. Oh ! Crinoline, tell Crinolette She'd better take a reef in ; For this the men will not regret, The fr.ir will find relief in. — Murder was in the heart of a certain country editor Avhen he penned the following paragraph : — We Avonder how our readers Avould fool if they were editors, and Avhilc in the middle of blood and blue fire agony on the Native Question, a blasted little butcher boy shoved his nose into the editorial sanctum, and in a squeaky A'oice asked for " Sixpenn'orth of waste paper, please." We feel sure they would do what avo did yesterday — lame that little butcher boy with the copy file. — The stern monthly organ which is devoted to the interests of Presbyterianism in Auckland says the rising generation are carried away with " fashion, millinery, and music," the latter probably being considered the most wicked and ungodly. Dancing and rinking were not considered sufficiently serious to bo included in the category; and theatrical scenery and dramatic performances

have now almost -worked themselves into Presbyterian favour. The reverend editor snggests a course of lectures on tbe history of the church of their fathers as the only means of educating them morally and spiritually," b\it maybe they would be about as well patronised as the Brook's babble on " Chaucer." — The Acclimatization Society having brutally rejected Mr Brett's well-meant offer of birds and beasts, that gentleman means to start a menagerie in connection with the Star newspaper. Mr J. Blackman has been appointed showman-in-ordi-nary, and is hard at work on some eulogistic poems of the "Jarley" description. Here is a sample : — If 1 Lad a donkey what wouldu't gee To see Mr Brett's menugeree, "Wouldn't I wallop him, oui, oiti, oui! ' *— The Eev. E. Laishley, of the Thames, father of Mr Laishley, solicitor of this city, lias a manuscript work on the birds of New Zealand. It is profusely illustrated by paintings by the author (the rev. gentieman himself), and should it ever be published, will prove a valuable addition to Colonial literature. The Eev. Mr Laishley is an artist of ability, and two of his paintings — " The Finding of Eufus " and " The Babes in the "Wood" — were exhibited at the Sydney Exhibition, and excited favourable comment. — During the recent hearing of a caso 'before the Clitheroe magistrates, it transpired that the villagers of Chipping go through the edifying ceremony of electing, as imaginary Mayor, the man who has distinguished himself by getting " most drunk," and this sot is then carried round in a procession. The police very properly summoned two men for taking part in this " old English " orgie ; but the case was dismissed, one of the magistrates sapiently remarking that "he approved of these old customs !" — On Wednesday morning Mr John Abbott, the well-known bill discounter, received a "bogus" letter of a very insulting description, signed " Eathbone ;" and at the same time we found in the editor's box an epistle of a similar nature, signed " John Abbott." Both concoctions were " forgeries," the idea of the perpetrator very evidently being to raise trouble between Mr Abbott and ourselves. Luckily Mr Abbott came to us at once on the subject, and, before any great harm was done, the fraud had been exposed. Efforts are being made to discover the author of the forgeries. — We are surprised at the "Star" publishing Mr Tom Burton's impudent and irrelevant reply to Sammy Coombcs. Sammy was perfectly correct in stating that he had been swindled. Mr Burton advertised a lecture " witty sarcastic and audacious," wbereas he simply got up and read a stale and rather blasphemous tract of Ingersoll's which can be bought at any of the free thinking booksellers in New Zealand for sixpence. — [Since the above was in print Sammy has written another letter to the Star which (metaphorically speaking) reduces Mr Burton to pulp]. — Joe Williams, the jovial proprietor of the Provincial Hotel at the Thames, iised to relate an amusing incident of the old West Coast days. Taking a severe attack of the gold fever, he en.barked at the Manukau as a steerage passenger on board a small coasting schooner, bound for Hokitika. The vessel met with adverse weather, which pi'olonged the voyage to such an extent that the provisions of the steerage passengers ran short, and they had to content themselves with hurd, mouldy biscuits. Under this poor faro nil the passengers, with the exception of our noble Joe, who was as burly and jolly as ever, were sorry spectacles when they landed in the new El Dorado. It subsequently transpired that Joseph, during the voyage, had nightly taken a steak from the carcass of a bullock reserved for the saloon passengers, and had cooked it by slapping it up against the funnel and then placing his back against it. The only relish was the whitewash with which the smoke-stack was painted. — A Mongonui gentleman writes : — "It is rather amusing sometimes to loiter behind the scenes. The other day, while the steamer lay alongside the whnrf at Mongonui, I had occasion through ' indisposition ' to remain in my cabin ; and as the saloon is the favourite resort of Civil Servants and numerous participants^ ' departing shouts,' one, in the position in which I found myself, can generally overhear something about 'this wicked world.' ' What does the fellow mean by going upon the tramp ?' asks Mr V. of his friend —one of the genus loci. ' Wearly I don't knowah, but he's a deucedly darned low scoundrel,' says Mr K. (who never swears like any other Christian), and is, upon me thoul worse than the Observer man. Mr H. seeing one of his subs, indiscreet, cunningly turns the subject and, sqtto voce, remarks : ' Tut-tut, we'll work another move,' and the clique went away, but not fast enough to prevent me popping out my head to diseovcr their frienship towards myself had been all gammon."