THE "PINAFORE" FEVER.

Observer, Volume II, Issue 40, 18 June 1881, Page 439

THE "PINAFORE" FEVER.

It is with infinite regret we have to announce that a most malignant malady has attacked the people of Auckland. There have been indications of it on several previous occasions, but it was not till ten days ago that the symptoms assumed a really serious aspect. The illness in question is known as the "Pinafore " fever, and the persons mainly responsible for its recent introduction into Auckland are a family of the name of Pollard. This fearful disease usually commences with a visit to the Theatre Royal, which will in all probability be the head centre of the plague for some time to come. Thither hundreds flock nightly, utterly regardless of the fact that many are known to have applauded themselves into fits, and that a bad attack of "Pinafore" fever must inevitably ensue, The diagnosis of the disease is as follows :— After leaving the theatre the patient usually shows a disposition to hum strange airs at strange moments. Very frequently lie astonishes his friends by bursting out with "I am the captain of the 'Pinafore '" or " Hei s an Englishman " ; and if by accident you use the word "never" in conversation, he at once retorts " Hardly ever ! !" and giggles inanely. When taken badly, the "Pinafore" fever is

both obnoxious and aggravating. Non-sufferers eel it most, the sick men themselves being usually too far gone to care. The safest treatment for " Pinafore " fever is the homcepathic "like cures like" (similia similibus ciirantur). If the disease has been caused by a visit to the theatre, repeat that visit, and go on repeating it till all disposition towards humming has evaporated, and the patient can hear the -word "never" without retorting, or even moving Ms lips. Some discussion has arisen as to whether the promoters of the "Pinafore" fever ought not to be punished for introducing it. One old lady, who went on Monday evening, declares that a young person named E. Osmond made her laugh till her sides ached, and as they have never ceased aching since, she wants to know if she can't bring an action for damages against the company. The father of a large family at Ponsonby is also in a great state. He declares his eldest hope (aged 12) has fallen hopelessly and passionately in love with both Miss May Pollard and Miss Lina Sallinger, and will do nothing but walk about with their portraits next his heart. Yesterday lie refused to partake of steak and onions at dinner, and his frantic father intends sueing the young ladies for his son's loss of appetite. The captain of the ship (Bertie Sallinger) and Ralph (Come Osmond) are also accused of having stolen a large number of female hearts, and are to be brought up some day soon at Cupid's bar to answer for the offence. Worst of all, however, is the midshipmite (Arthur Pollard), whose attractive ways are said to have done irreparable damage. Numbers leave their comfortable homes nightly to see him perform, and it is quite impossible to realise how much reckless extravagance he has been the cause of.