The Observer

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 33, 30 April 1881, Page 348

The Observer

Saturday, Apbil 30th, ISSI

Some years ago a member of the Legislative Council, "who resides in North New Zealand, and is abnormally rich, took his "wife and family home io England. Arrived on British shores he should of course have dropped the Colonial prefix of "Honourable" (Avhich is a purely local title), but Mrs. Blank, who happens to be a very ambitious woman, persuaded her husband not to, and when they put up at Claridge's hotel, in Bond-street, he entered their names in the visitors book as the "Honourable Mr. and Mrs. Blank." Now, the manager of Claridge's is a tolerably cute card, and directly he saw the word " Honourable" he disbelieved in it, and began to suspect his customers. They were obviously vulgar people, and had no knowledge of the ways of the "upper ten thousand." Moreover, the name of Blank was not to be found in " Burke \s Peerage." The longer he thought the more uncomfortable he became till at last, by way of making things certain, he engaged a private detective to watch the Blanks. This officer followed the "Hon." Mr. Blank about for two days, by which time he discovered the truth, and ascertained the family's real position. When the manager of Claridge's heard the detective's story and found that he had been dogging the steps of a most respectable Colonial magnate he was thoroughly repentant, and endeavoured to prevent the facts reaching Mr. Blank's ears. Unfortunately lie had already confided his suspicions to a waiter^, and that waiter, in a weak moment, told Mrs. Blank's maid. One night, when the girl was combing her mistresses hair, it all came out. To describe the good peoples rage and anger would be impossible. Old Blank sent for the manager and rated him in true Colonial fashion till at last that worthy, plucking up courage, ventured to remind the " Honourable " that it was his assumption of a title to which he had no right which was the cause of all the mischief.

Miss Blanche , a young lady of an enquiring turn of mind, Avishes to know how to tell whether "new chums" have belonged to good society when at home. She says a young swell, who declares he is the son of a noble and aristocratic county family in England, wants to marry her, and she wojUd gladly accept him if

only she could be sure that he is what he represents himself to be. Well, my dear (as the Family Herald would say), we can only recommend you (1) to consult "Burkes County Families," and (2) to watch your lover and test him. There are a number of trivial traits by which a well-bred man may be spotted. In eating, for instance, he will never take a knife to curry, or a spoon to pudding, or use the broad of the latter implement when drinking soup. The spoon test is an almost infallible one. Colonial and country bred folk never dream of attempting to eat tart or puddings "with a fork only, whereas your "society" Londoner Avould consider it a gross "Philistinism " to touch a spoon for such a purpose, and is so skilful as to be able to convey even green peas to his mouth with the utmost ease and elegance. It is a horrible sight to see most people eat peas. First of all they scoop a number on to the inside of the fork with a knife, and then dropping half-a-dozen on the way, they lift it precariously to their lips. A mans bow is also a pretty fair criterion of his breeding. If he bends double, or ducks his head like a nodding-machine, or doubles up near the knees suspect him. It's almost any odds he's never had a dancing lesson in his life.

A friend of ours, whose name begins with A., was had coming back from the races on Easter Monday in a very simple manner. In the same railway carriage was a countryman with a winning- totalisator ticket for the Easter Handicap, winch he represented lie had been unable to cash throxigh being obliged to rush away to catch the train. He added that he was compelled to leave for the Waikato first thing in the morning, and that he feared, what with one thing and another, he should lose his money. Now, Mr. A., as it happened, had also "struck" the totalisator for £3 14s. over King Quail, and asked the countryman to let him look at the ticket. It certainly cqypeared to be all right. There was the number 7 and a stamp of Goodson's which A. remembered to have seen on his own. After a little talk A. offered the man £1 for the ticket, and the tender was promptly accepted. This precipitancy on the seller's part aroused A.'s suspicions, but he told no one about the matter, and next day asked Capt. Handley as a favour to see Adams and get the ticket cashed. At first Adams said "yes," there was a share in the King Quail race over, and doubtless it belonged to A., but when he saw the ticket he at once announced that it wasn't for the Easter Handicap at all but for the previous race. Goodson's stamp was on the Easter Handicap ticket, but it was on the reverse side.

A laughable incident occurred in one of the Waikato down trains last week. A heavy country swell entered one of the firstclass carriages at Ngaruawahia, and after scanning the features of his fellow-travellers, threw himself upon the seat and dozed off. He slumbered peacefully until reaching Otahuhu, when the noisy entrance of a few roystering young bloods awoke him suddenly. Starting lip wildly he exclaimed " what station is this ?" to which query one of the new-comers answered ' ' Auckland. " ' ' The dooce it is, " remarked the astonished man as he banged his hat on his head and grabbed his carpet bag. He jumped on to the platform as the train was moving oft", and only discovered the hoax when it was too late to repair the mischief.

It may displease Mr. George Hemus and other rabid teetotallers to hear that two French savants have, for the last twelvemonth, been keeping nine pigs in a state of habitual drunkenness. This has been done with a view to testing the effects of different kinds of alcohol on these unfortunate animals ; and the Prefect of the Seine last year kindly put gome styes and a yard in the municipal slaughter-houses of La Villette at the disposal of the savants, in order that they might conduct their interesting experiment at the smallest cost to themselves. The experiment is interesting, "because we are told that the pig is the animal whose digestive apparatus most closely resembles that of a man ; but then drunkeness does not act on a man's digestion only, and the behaviour of a tipsy pig furnishes but a slight indication of what a tipsy man's would be Avho had drunk of the liquors. However, we learn that the pig who takes absinthe is first ny, then excitable, irritable, combative, and filially drowsy; the pig who has brandy mixed with his food is cheerful all through till he falls to sleep; the rum-swilling pig becomes sad and somnolent almost at once; while the pig who takes gin conducts himself in eccentric ways : grunting, squealing, tilting his head against the sty-door, and rising on his hind le<*s as if to sniff" the wind. Dr. Decaisne, writing on these intoxicated swine in the France, remarks that they are none of them the worse for their year's tippling, which may "be regarded as satisfactory or the reverse, according to one's point of view.

Veiy different opinions appear to exist as to the salubrity of the Auckland climate for consumptive patients. English doctors are almost unanimous in recommending this part of the Colony to persons with delicate chests, but the local medicos are by no means equally confident on the point. The cases that have come under our notice have been of a strangely contradictory character. In one instance a youngman was given up by the medical men five years ago ; indeed, Dr. S. confidently predicted that he could not live through another Avinter. Strange to say, the poor fellow not only lived through one, but four more winters, and only died the other day. Another youth, who, according to the doctors, was hardly affected at all, and arrived here after a sea voyage in excellent health, sickened immediately, and went off in a couple of months. Difference of constitution may of course have a good deal to do with this, but the question of climate is an interesting one, and might with advantage be ventilated.

The friends of evangelisation ■will be grieved to learn that the spiritual requirements of the Maoris in the neighbourhood of Tauranga are no longer being- attended to, the only remaining missionary performing active duty having withdrawn to Opotiki. His alleged reason is that at the new scene of operations the natives are more tractable and amenable to instruction than those of Tauranga, who, it is quite plain to the most casual observer, exhibit but few Christian graces. It is also alleged — not by the missionary in question — that there is a newly-taken farm or station down at Opotiki which Avill yield handsome results by a personal supervision. This combination of shrewd business strategy with anxiety for the spiritual welfare of the poor benighted Maori, has been a prominent characteristic of the clergymen in the pay of the C.MS, for a good many years past. There are not a few, both in Auckland and Tauranga, who can bear witness to this fact — a fact which, by-the-bye, a dignitary of the Church resident in Auckland said caused an unsavoury smell in the nostrils of the public. If the said smell were to reach England, there is not much doubt that subscriptions would fall oft" considerably. Even the most zealous contributors would object to give if they thought their money was being wasted. A little incident in connection with the withdrawal of a missionary from a country settlement is worth recording. At his departure he left the boat, by means of which the various Maori settlements used to be got at, in charge of a friend, saying- that he should want it occasionally. He had not been gone long, however, before he wrote to the friend to give up the boat, as it was to be sold. Said friend, however, communicated with one of the trustees of the C.M.S. property on the subject, and received a reply which stated that the missionary had full power to sell the boat if lie thought proper ; the reply was, in fact, tantamount to "Mind your own business." So probably long ere this the boat has been disposed of. Sic transit, &c.

"A father of a family" writes to us to complain of the extreme fondness which spooning couples appear to have for the raised top of the Freeman's I3ay culvert, the gravamen of his complaint being that "the nyuin-nyuin business" is made too conspicuous to "the public eye," orinotherwordstothe passers-by. He says that he was returning home on Sunday evening last in company with his two daughters from the theatre service, when the dulcet sound of a feminine voice, in an expostulatory key, smote his ear. As he drew nearer he became conscious of sundry smacks, which had a suspicious resemblance to kisses, each one being followed by a few ejaculations such as "you nasty thing," "let me alone," "be quiet," etc. When he readied the culvert he perceived that two young swains were sitting upon it, each with his inamorata upon his knee, his arm around her buxom waist, and her arm tenderly encircling his manly neck. The posture was maintained for the sorrowful parent's delectation, and he hurried on with a sigh, grieved that his daughters should be met by such an improper spectacle, The girls, however, being well in their teens, appeared to enjoy the fun, whereat the parental heart was greatly grieved.

To the Editor : Sir, — In your issue of the 9th inst. I noticed a letter signed William Trimble. It appears to me that the only answer I can give to it is to enclose you the documentary evidence on which the sketch was framed. When you have read the evidence I send you, the matter will remain in your hands to deal with as you may think proper. If I have misled either yourself or your readers you will be in a position to judge how I have been misled. Ido not see that William Trimble's letter, from its intemperate tone and ill-bred manner, can call for any comment from Koneke. [We have read the evidence, and consider it fully justifies Koneke's remarks. — Ed. Observer.]

To the Editor : Sir,— As the account of the duel at Cambridge given by your paper is slightly incorrect, I hope you will insert in your next the following corrections given to me by one who was present at the affair :—Kegardmg the first challenge which Bob C. is reported to have sent to Frederick Oliver F., that is entirely wrong, as it was F O.F. who challenged another party. This party treated his challenge with contempt and derision, which naturally raised the ire of F.O.F. Next week Bob C. and F.0.F., having a few words and a scuffle over some remarks made by Bob C. regarding F.0.F. , the latter sent his second to challenge Bob C. to fight a duel, as he thought settling the affair with fists was a blackguard way. Bob C. chose his second, who advised him to accept it, just to see if 1<.0.1<. would stand his ground. The seconds made all arrangements to havethcduelfouo-hton the river bank— the bathing-place at Cambridge —but 1< .O.F. would not agree to this, as the distance was too short, so the rifle range was the spot fixed upon (on Thursday morning at seven sharp). Bob C. and second arrived on the ground first, F.O.F. and his friend turning up about five minutes later. On measuring the distance— ls paces— it was pronounced too close by F.O.F.'s second, who wanted 25 paces. Eventually 20 were agreed upon, and the _ loading commenced. F.O.F.'s second finding his cartridges too small for his revolver, the seconds agreed to toss for first shot, which was won by Bob, and everything bade fair for a settling of accounts. F.O.F.'s second made a speech, saying that nothing but an apoJogy or blood would satisfy his man ; to which Bob C.'s second made answer that an apology was entirely out of the question, so it was best to blaze away. Cob C. then made the remark that it was too much like manslaughter to pot a man with no weapon in his hand, and proposed postponing it to procure another revolver. F.O.F. then spoke up, saying he wished to explain matters, as his second had evidently misunderstood him. He did not demand an apology—in fact would be only too glad to see the affair amicably settled, as he bore no animosity towards Bob C. The latter then answered that lie had not the slightest to F.0.F., only, being challenged by the latter, of course came up to time. The revolver was then iired in the air, and, after shaking hands, the party adjourned and liquored up at Hewitt's. — PuiIEKE.

A report has been promoted by some evilminded persons to the effect that we recently gave xip the name of a person who supplied us with a piece of information which subsequently led to trouble. Of course the statement is utterly false. Here are the facts. About a fortnight ago, a gentleman who was (with some reason) much annoyed re a paragraph which had appeared in the current number of the Observer, called on us and demanded the name of the writer. The editor at once declared he was the responsible party, upon which, Mr. — asked who supplied the information. We replied that we could not answer the question even if we knew our informant's name, but that, as it so hctffljencd, we really didn't. The story had in fact been detailed to us carelessly by a man whose face we knew well enough but whose name we had never chanced to hear. Mr. — evidently didn't believe this statement, and one word led to another till at length we said it was not fair to blame the Observer only as the facts were known and gossiped about in Queen-street long before the paper appeared. We had, we added, just heard jthat an employe of a certain firm had (several days previously) blurted out the story in Messrs. 's establishment before a shopfnl of people. It could not therefore be much of a secret. " Then it was in Messrs. 's shop you heard of the affair, " said Mr. — . "No, certainly not," we replied, "if it had been, we shouldn't be telling you this. The information came to us through quite a different channel, in fact, as we have said, we got it from a man whose name Aye don't know." Mr. — then got up and, saying he wasn't satisfied and would settle with us another time, left.

There is a very pretty quarrel between Herr Bandmann, the actor, and the Wangamti Chronicle. The latter states that " Yesterday morning Her Bandmann, the actor, entered the publishing office of the Chronicle in a high state of excitement, and considerably astonished the gentleman in charge by informing him offhand, and without even saying 'Good morning,' that our critique on Saturday night's performance was a ' lousy article ;' that the theatrical advertisement had been placed under Westell's ' lousy dogs ' (Westen should comb them); that Wanganui was a ' lousy town ' and a ' lousy fraternity.' Herr Bandmann, in fact, proceeded to ' tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, ' and was informed that he would be given in charge if a policeman came in sight.

He then left the premises somewhat abruptly." After some chaffing remarks on the meagreness of the actor's vituperative vocabulary, the Chronicle adds :— " We tolerate insolence and blackguardly language from no one, and at once declined to do any more business with Her Bandmann, and we now decline to criticise any more of his performances or eccentricities either on the stage or off." In a letter to the Wancjanui Herald, Herr Bandmann denounces the accusation of the Chronicle as "a malicious, slanderous falsehood." He adds that the real cause of the dispute was the fact of his agent having stopped a clerk in the office from bringing two ladies into the theatre without paying. Upon this the clerk "swore vengeance," and displayed the advertisement in a mean and insignificant manner. He (Herr Bandmann) objected to this, and withdrew his advertisements altogether.

A splendid Zoedone story has just come to hand from the South ' which has the merit of being absolutely true. Certain astute detectives the other day thought they had reason to suspect an unlicensed house of selling spirituous liquors, and they accordingly decided to go there in plain clothes and make out a case. They went, and, being men of large views, demanded on their arrival two bottles of champagne. The proprietor happened to know them, and, acting on a happy inspiration, rubbed the labels oft" two bottles of Zoedone and administered that excellent beverage to the minions of the law. They drank, smacked their lips, highly enjoyed themselves while the liquor lasted, and left in great good humour without ever discovering the ruse. Finally the proprietor carried the joke to its legitimate conclusion by charging them 19s. for their drink, which they cheerfully paid. In the morning, the proprietor was served with a summons for selling wine Avithout a license ! Tableau : Ignominious defeat of detectives.