ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 8, 6 November 1880, Page 57

ABOUT TOWN

Thanks to Mr. Hopkins and his projected donkey ride, the Observers circulation last Saturday was larger than ever, in fact we only want another fracas of the kind for it to touch 5000. The extraordinary increase of advertisements has rendered it necessary to add two extra pages to the present issue. I am also able to announce that the paper will be permanently enlarged very shortly. Next week the opening chapters of a thrilling sensational story, entitled " Hunteclj Down, " will appear, and several other novel features are in contemplation.

With reference to the famous donkey ride business, Mr. Hopkins has asked me to explain that, though in the heat of the moment lie said there were thirty or forty persons at his beck and call on that Monday afternoon, there were, as a matter of fact, nothing like the number. He certainly "shouted" for several felloAvs, and asked them to prevent interference, and to assist him in the event of the Observer staff proving obstreperous, but otherwise his intention was to carry oiit the affair by himself. I was glad to hear this, because the forty to one game was the one thing that seemed a little nshy. I could easily imagine a man pledging himself to a somewhat rough practical joke, and being egged on by mischief-makers to execute it, but the procuring backers seemed inexplicable.

Another thing re this matter and then I have done with it. On the night of the ball Mr. Hopkins wore the uniform of a militia regiment to which he belonged in England. It is not, he says, usual for officers to don uniform after leaving the service, but he received special permission from his Colonel Lord Somebody-or-other (I heard the name but I forget it) to use it for fancy balls, &c.

During the past week I have received a regular inundation of friendly letters, mostly from ladies, some of whom are kind enough to take the liveliest interest in the Observer's welfare. Here is a specimen : " Dear Mr. Editor,—We have experienced great pleasure in reading your very amusing paper. It was just the thing that was wanted here to take some of the pomp and conceit out of the present generation. Awfully glad to see you came out so well out of the bull-dog-donkey business. Never mind your enemies. The ladies all stick up for you, and would have enlisted under Charlie McMiirdo's banner. Hoping you Avill continue to give us plenty of town gossip and fun.—We remain, your especial admirers, Two Blonde and Brunette Sisters."

This is a life-like representation of Mr. Hopkins's bull-dog as he appeared when snuffing angrily around Charlie McMurdo's calves last Monday week. Mac's face just then was a picture, which only the pencil of a Frith or Millais could do justice to.

The parson of one of our suburban churches has started a Scandal Club, which is to hold weekly meetings in his house. He calls the meetings "SeAving Bees," but I will give a guinea to any of the local charities if there is not more scandal talked at one of those meetings than is printed in any four numbers of the Observer. This too though the rev. gentleman did honour my paper^by preaching against it.

During the past fortnight a large number of complaints have readied me concerning the doings of a certain book tout, (I don't remember his name) who appears to be in the habit of getting into the hoiises of married ladies dui-ing the absence of their husbands, and bouncing them into buying a family bible. The modus operandi of this worthy is described as follows : — Mr. K. presents himself at Mrs. A's house in the guise of a new acquaintance. "Oh!" he says, " our mutual friend Mrs. Q. asked me to call on you, and as I was passing I thought I'd just look in." /*fter some talk on topics of the day the bible is introduced. "Mrs. Q. and Mrs. M," urges the tempter, have both bought it, and they said they were sure you would want one." If the lady demurs, Mr. X.'s blandncss dissapears, and he commences to hector, so that finally, to escape further persecution, cution, the order for the book (£4 I believe or something like that) is signed. When Mr. K. has . retired doubts and fears begin to take possession of poor Mrs. A. She feels she has acted foolishly, and wonders what her husband will say when he hears that, regardless of the family bible on the sideboard, she has promised to pay £3 or £4 for a book worth at most about a tenth of the price. Finally, not liking to tell him, she keeps the matter' a secret. By and bye of course the affair leaks out, and then there are ructions?. I am told that no inconsiderable amount of domestic unhappiness has been caused by this bible tout's doings. Working men and others, quite imable to pay the sum demanded, have stood aghast on learning what their better halve s have let them m for. Others again like the fellow who advertised in the." Star," have expended their wroth on X., and threated to make things warm for him next time he comes their way. Occasionally of course purchasers are sensible enough to repudiate the engagement altogether, and then K. becomes pathetic. " Think of your honour, madam," he says solemnly. "You gave me your written promise to buy this bible, and I shall expect yoxi to keep it."

I don't suppose this X is any worse than the majority of his kind. As a. matter of tact all book toiits are humbugs, and only women and " softies " get taken in by them. How anyone can feel the faintest desire to purchase the volumes they bring round is what puzzles me. Take for instance that "History of the Sea," which was touted about here some time ago. The illustrations are simply execrable, the matter is dry and unreadable, and a copy can be procured at any old book stall in London for a- shilling or two. If you want to buy books, for Heaven's sake go to Wayte's or Mears' or Upton's, or to any respectable shop of the kind. You will then have an ample choice, and can lay out your money really satisfactorily. Why, if the sum named to nje is correct, the price paid for one of X.'s bibles would purchase a small library of standard authors.

I record the following true story as a solemn warning to givers of entertainments. A hostess was lately surprised at the early hour her house was cleared, and the suddenness of her guests' departures. It was ultimately discovered that

the servants had mixed the cup, not with soda or seltzer, but with Freidrichshal Wasser, a mineral water of strong medicinal properties. Hence the extraordinary sensation with which everyone was seized. Indeed, several of the men were laid up for days.

Once upon a time there was a man whose name was Edward. Now Edward Avas of those who bought and sold paper, and trafficked therein, m nd, behold, on a certain day, there came unto Edward a man who was named John. He was a man of smooth speech. Moreover, he was hard of hearing. And when he came unto Edward, he said unto him, "Art thoxi not of the sect which was founded by John, who was snrnanied We.-ley ?" Anil Edward answered, and said unto him, " It is even as thou hast said." Then John ran unto him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and, said unto him, "My heart doth greatly rejoice within me, for I also am of the followers of John, -whose surname was Wesley. Henceforth I will be thy brother and thou shalt be my brother. Let us traffick together." And Edward said unto him, " Let it be even as my brother sayeth." And John said, "Lo ! I have some paper which I can sell unto thee for less money than would be charged by the merchant. Here is a piece of the same, and I will give it unto thee tor tweuty shekels of silver, current money with the merchant." And Edward answered and said, "The paper is good, but the price of the same is too great." Then John said, " The paper is good, and the price, is not too great. 1 paid unto the merchant nineteen I shekels of silver for it. Ido not try to make a prolit by selling the paper unto my brother. All that thy brother asketh is that which is called commission. " But Edward said, "That which thou sayest is not truth. Thou didst pay only fifteen shekels of silver for the paper " Then John became exceeding Avroth, and said, "How darest thou to say that what I have said is not the truth. Dost thou not know that I am a Christiau ?" Then Edward waxed wroth, and said, "Nay, thou art not a Christian. Thou art a liar. Get thee hence, thou and thy paper. If thou shouldst offer to sell it unto me for five shekels of silver I would not buy it from such a son of Belial as thou art." And Edward caused John to go forth : from him. And John went forth in haste. And John said within himself, "Behold now, I have this paper, and Edward will not buy it. What, therefore, shall I do therewith ? I will go unto the men of this town which are what is called in the language of the country, ' hard up,' and I will say unto them, put now your names upon my paper and I will give unto you talents of silver and talents of gold." And the men ot that town did even as John said unto them. They put their names on the paper, and John did give unto them talents of silver and talents of gold. And it came to pass that when John gave unto a man one hundred talents, he put down on the paper a hundred and sixty talents. Therefore the people called him John : no more, but they call him " Old sixty per cent." which is his name unto this dav.

Dr. Haines, an etching of whom glorifies the present number is, -without doubt, one of the cleverest and most popular of Auckland's medical men. T h oug li comparatively speaking young and dangerously handsome, he has managed, in a very short time, to secure the > confidence and esteem of a large number of families, and to get together a practice, which is second only to Dr. Gol dsborough's. Before his marriage, Dr. Haines was thought the eligible bachelor of the day, and many_ were the bashful beauties and blushing damsels who sought to captivate him. Having, however, made up his mind re matrimony at a very early date, the young doctor was not to be seduced from his allegiance, and is noAV the proud possessor of a lady, of whom it would be impertinent to say more than that she is one of New Zealand's fairest daughters.

A "ball was held the other day, not a hundred, miles* from town, and a certain party, who plumed himself rather upon his literary attainments, was amongst the invited ones. The invitation filled him with delight that would have been unalloyed, but for a rasper that faced him in certain mysterious letters jn one corner of the card — K.S.V.P. What the dickens did they mean ; then a bright idea seized him. Why, of course they were the initials of the lion, secretary's name, and thus relieved and enlightened from within, he sat down and cheerfully indited his reply, accepting the invite to 11. S. V. P., Esq., hoiu sec, &c.

One of Auckland's merchant princes, is noted for his generosity. One day his clerks were very busy, and it did not seem probable that they would get all the letters written and copied in time for the mail. Passing the store of a friend, he saw his friend's brother, who was a clerk in his brother's office, standing at the door. He said to him, "Are you busy this afternoon, Charlie ?" Charlie said he was not, so the merchant asked him to go and help his clerks, saying that he would give him something for his trouble. Charlie said he would be most happy to give his assistance, but he did not wish for anything in the way of payment. He went into the merchant's countinghouse, and did a good day's work. When he was leaving in the evening the merchant said, " I promised to give you something for your trouble, so take this," giving him a parcel. Charlie opened it, and found it contained a box of sardines, retail price one shilling.

I beg to acknowledge,, -with many thanks, the following subscriptions on behalf of the unfortunate man Howell, whose likeness to the murderer Sullivan ha? led to such trouble. From ten ladies (readers of the Observer) at the Temple of Fashion, Newmarket, 10s. ; from a gentleman at Cambridge House, Chapelstreet, os.; A.S.K., 10s.; Literary Department at " Star," 4s. I hope some more readers will be kind enough to forward a Is. or so. The case is a really deserving one. Think what your sufferings would be if you were wrongfully accused of murder.

Those who accuse me of withholding the actual name of the real promoter of the assault on Monday week because that person happens to be a rich man, make a great mistake. Nothing would please me better than to shame him (as he deserves to be shamed) before the whole public of Auckland. I am, however, perfectly well aware that if I give my friend, the shadow of an opportunity he Avill promptly issue a writ for libel. Now, I don't think you know that the law, as regards libel, is very misty and unsatisfactory. A libel is not, as many suppose, a false statement about a person. If I were to accuse So-and-so of being a usurer and a bloodsucker, and bring many instances of rascality to back the statement, that would be libel. My motives might be the best possible, and the truth of the assertions unmistakeable, but if they damaged. So-and-so's business, the judge would probably direct the jury that it was libel, and I should be cast for heavy damages.

I hear that "the ring" have "struck it heavy," as the diggers say, at Patetere. The common name is the Patetere block, but, in fact, there is a series of blocks, which comprise about 300,000 acres of land, seventeen miles square, or about enough for five or six thousand of Sir George Grey's "happy families." But not content with this huge monopoly the ring has been casting covetous eyes on an adjoining Naboth's vineyard of another 100,000 acres, which Messrs. Dilworth and Howard hope to acquire as a cabbage garden for themselves. Negotiations have been proceeding for an amalgamation of interests so as to enable the speculators to make a grand "coup" and in gambling phrase, "clear the- board." Fred Whitaker has been keeping the native owners sweet, and getting up the legal business, while Johnny; his partner, was bringing his persuasive powers to bear on^" Honest John Bryce" in order to induce him to remove the Government proclamation. I am told Johnny Sheehan stands to make a fine thing out of it if he succeeds, but I don't know what the other John's share is to be, if he is to get anything " the bank' agency have been allowed to "stand in," and Mr. Larkworthy has been up more than political support. I hear that some other members of the Ministry, who have been left out in the cold, are disgusted with such un-Johnie treatment, have become virtuously obstructive, and talk; about the necessity of Parliamentary sanction to the removal ot the rohibitive proclamation. There is a fine row brewing for next session. The Greyites hope that if the thing can be delayed, Sir Arthur Gordon will put his foot on the Avholesale monopoly of the public estate. The ostensible excuse which " honest John" puts forward for abandoning the purchase of Patatere, is that the Government could not find the means to complete it. That is to s-ay that with all the machinery and resources of the colony at its back, it could not raise money enough to do what a "ring" of speculators are doing with the aid of " the agency," namely, to purchase the block with other people's money temporarily borrowed for the purpose. And yet the Government was able to float Treasury and Deficiency Bills to the amount of £1,000,000, and borrow to that amount from the Public Works Fund. Why did not the Government borrow £150,000 to complete the purchase of Patetere, or borrow from one of the banks. Does a bank as a rule prefer the security offered by a few speculators to that of the Government? Was any bank ever asked t» advance the purchase money for j Patetere ? Would not many of the banks with a plethora of invested capital have readily advanced the money ? I say bluntly that it is sheer hypocrisy to say that a Government which can borrow a million from the Public Works Fund in Treasury Bills to support an extravagant system of administration, which can maintain an idle force of 800 constabulary to enrich Taranaki contractors, and which has the power to shut out all competitors in its land purchase operations, could not have taken £150,000 more from the Public Works Loan to complete the Patetere purchase, and given the colony the benefit of the enormous pi olits which will now be reaped by half-a-dozen sharp individuals. Bah ! the thing is a flagrant job !

+. By the merest accident, the identity of the mean rascal who wrote the letter in the "Lance," signed "Francis Strathmore, 8.A." has come to my knowledge. The evidence is quite conclusive, and though the person in question has been here and called Heaven to witness to liis innocence, I simply don't believe him. As he happens to be a young man and a new chum, struggling t-> gain a livelihood, I will not publish his name at present. He must, however, distinctly understand that if he continues trying to injure the Observer (as he has been doing for some time past) amongst his friends and acquaintances at Newmarket and Remuera, I shall speak out and also lay the evidence before Mr. Wickham. Whether he is likely to get much mercy from that gentleman I leave him to conjecture. «*.

There is a gentleman in town whose quaint ambition it is to make people think he writes the front page paragraphs in the Observer. This eccentric individual drops in upon me at all hours, now on one excuse, now on another. For a long time I couldn't understand the why and wherefore of his constant visits. The other day, however, in strolling down Queenstreet, I came across Jones. "By the way," he said, " I suppose " (naming our friend) " wrote so-and-so in last week's papers" "Why?" I asked amazed. "Oh !" replied Jones, " people are always accusing him of j doing ' pars ' for you, and he never denies it, but only smiles mysteriously." I didn't say anything at the time, but the best of the joke is that though is always promising to do something " awfully good " for me, he has not yet written a single line. The bona fide contributors so far from wanting to be known are extremely anxious to blush unseen. One of the best of them will hold no communication with me save through the post, and has even begged that I won't nod to him. Another I shouldn't recognise if I were to see him, and a third is the very last man you would suspect of scribbling for the newspapers. ■♦ A gentleman has lent me a copy of the " New Zealand Herald" for Saturday, November 13th, 1841, with a view, I suppose, of enabling me to see who were " our most respected citizens " in that primeval age. The " Herald " was then a sorry sheet, just half the size of the Observer, and published tri-weekly only. Amongst the announcements in the front page are several signed by Brown and Campbell, even then a firm of some considerable importance. There is also an advertisement to the effect that Thomas Russell, of the Rising Sun Tavern, Lower Queen-street, will have a booth at the Christmas races, whilst Mrs. Williamson announces that she has commenced business as a dressmaker and milliner. The body of the paper is filled with the address of the Chairman of the Port Nicholson Quarter Ses-ions, (E. Halswell, Esq.) to the grand jury. One of the cases dealt with appears to be embracery, but the particulars are not given.

Some time ago an organist was required for a church in one of the suburbs of Auckland. The secretary of the church committee was instructed to advertise for one. He did so, and there were a mimber of applicants for the position. Amongst them -was a young man who had recently arrived in the colony. He called on the secretary, and expressed a wish to try the instrument. Remembering he had excellent testimonials as to character, as well as to musical abilities, the secretary invited him to go to his house to tea, and promised to take him to the 'church in the evening. The applicant accepted the offer, went out to the secretary's house, took tea, played the piano, and made himself very i agreeable. When the two were about to start for church, the host filled his pipe and asked the musician if he smdlted. He said that he did, but that he found he had neither pipe nor tobacco with him. The secretary said he would soon fix him up, and lent him a silver-mounted meerschaum pipe and a pouch full of tobacco. He did not wish the tobacco returned, and did not care much about the pouch, but he certainly expected to have his pipe given back to him. Vain hope ! months have passed, but there is no sign of that meerschaum.

.* The other day, whilst dining at a restaurant in town, my appetite was destroyed, and my blood curdled by the conduct of my "pposite neighbour, who kept putting his knite in his mouth in a more than ordinarily awful manner. At last the catastrophe I feared and anticipated happened, for he gave himself a pretty severe gash in the mouth, from which the blood flowed freely. To my astonishment, instead of accepting his fate philosophically, he began to abuse the landlord for having such sharp knives, and his indignation only increased when the landlord mildly suggested that he should not have put the knife in his mouth.

St. Paul's i« not after all to be bereft of the services of Mr. Gooch. The vestry have arranged that he is now to be a properly appointed officer of the church, and his salary as choirmaster will be paid in exactly the same manner as those of the rest of the officials. Jt was on this understanding only that Mr. Gooch would consent to remain. "The choir have certainly greatly improved under his conductorship, the music being rendered with far greater precision than before. This appointment will be a source of great satisfaction to those who take an interest in church music and appreciate the St. Paul's Sunday evening concerts.