SCUTTLE V. GRAB.

Thames Star, Volume XVI, Issue 5089, 9 May 1885, Page 4

SCUTTLE V. GRAB.

A Chronicle of the (Pkobable)

Ftjttjbe

A.D.1890. Grab Party in power. Forward policy everywhere. Annexation all around. Fifty millions spent upon army and fleet. National Society for the seizure of everything holds its first meeting at St. James' Hall. Besolution moved that " the whole of the world, land and water, at present unoccupied by civilised Powers belongs of right to England." Carried unanimously. Scheme formulated for rectifying scientific frontier of whole of . British possessions. Is found to involve seizure of 16 islands, conquest of five Dative races, absorption of fifty thousand square miles of—useless—new territory; -seven small wars, two large ones, four massacres, and an Income tax of five shillings in the pound. John Bull rebi'l9, and turns out Grab Party. A.D. 189(5 ; Scuttle Party comes in with a big majority and bigger promises. Fiuishes off all wars by caving in all round and retiring. Cuts down army, and resolves to sell half tho ironclad fleet as old metal. Power which buys it immediately utilises it against us. Another fleet has to be ordered at once at fancy prices in response to Press clamour. Scuttle Party, in cleft stick, halts between two opinions; in pursuit of peace is found fighting all over the world, and after franlic efforts at economy, runs up Income tax to six shillings in the pound. John Bull turns out Scuttle Party.

A.D. 2000. Grab party come in, grabbier than ever. Decides that the only true scientific frontier is a circle, that of the whole globe to wit. Endeavors to " square" that circle: Other Powers won't " come round" to this view at all. Army raised to a million men, conscription established, " standard" of British Wavy decided to be one ship for every twenty miles of the earth's surface, Press applauds this idea, so dcTshipbuilders and engineers. Chanoellor of Exchequer resigns, and retires to Colney Hatch, Lunatic Asylum. Editor of Jingo Gazette appointed in his place. Other journals immediately " round on" him, and oppose Grab Government. Scuttle Party revive, and stump the country. All members of Government, except Chancellor of Exchequer, resign. He raises Income" tax to twenty shillings in the pound, and war with everybody. Is forcibly invested with the Order of the Straight Jacket, just as five foreign fleets and six Europeau armies are on the point of starting to attack us.

A.D. 2005. Scuttle Party resumes office. Makes terms with foreign armies and fleets by promising to cut our army down to a few sentries and guards of honor, and our navy to two armour-clads, without guns, and a four knot unarmed cruiser. Gives up India to' Russia, Africa to Germany, puts up garrisoned fortresses and coaling stations at Dutch auction, and lets Colonies run loose. Conference held at Berlin as to what shall be done with England. Turkey offers to take it under her protection, for a consideration. Powers agree on question, and Heligoland is about to annex it, when English rise, nnder a popular soap boiler, seize leaders of Grab and Scuttle Parties, shave their heads, and make waiters of them, banish both words from political dictionary, and make a fresh start.—Exchange.