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Thames Star, Volume XV, Issue 4785, 10 May 1884, Page 1

A Tetje Stoey what Happened dowk to Gwineab Parish. (TO THE BDITOB OF THE WEEKLY SIEHCUBY.) Sib,—-Us was down underground tother ' day, and had done a brave spell of wark, so us thought twas about time for to touch a pipe. Ould Uncle Henny is a brave chap for to talk, and good-tempered he is, too—ccpts when he is putoutabout anything then you arc sure for to know it, n before very long. Undo Honny is parish' * clerk up to S—, and he do pride himself '^ upon being a Churchman and a good ould^ Tory, most the only one in the parish cepts * tis the passon his own self. „ . '-• Ould Uncle Henny had been going round grunting to hisself all day. " Ugh, ugh, drat un," says ould Uncle Henny to* . hisself. " Ugh; ugh, ugb," like a girt pitf;* < " Whatever :is .^the matter . Uncle Henny?" says I. ? ,', ■ I" " Matter enough," says he a-grunting again. " Bad are'e ?" says I. " No," says he, so short as could jte^ - Well, us was sitting down for a bit eat* ing our dinner, when ould Uncle*ll'eriqj\ turns round, "Aw," says he,^"l mußt,,',■> smokey a bit over it or I shall go mazed."; ;■ So he filled his pipe and pulled away at it" - till you could hardly see- en.*£Then he looks up a bit more comfortabler like. >^i / " Well, cnmrades, n have 'c heard, the'' A news ?" says Uncle Henny.-; "*> -'■*"" " What about then?";;unsays;-'-"„ ' " Why about this here- Methody chap 1 '"' that's come down from Yorkshire or up; . the country somewhere, wanting for ug, Church folks and Tories to send eh^jnto > Parleyment. A Mefhody—arid a Tory!" . says ould Uncle Henny grunting .again, " Ugh ! He've been up to Hull so they do ,\ say, a keeping on trying for to get in'up there where he was born to, but, they^do know too much about en, and sent enjbff*. pon his business. No, says they, bVa Methody if you do mind to, and. be 4 a Tory if you do like—but don't "c mix em A ■' up together, says they, for* ft isn't no' bo if '"" "»' .fitty. And so says I." ' . *',::*' 1:'.! \ f''- v Then ould Uncles Henny grunted ig&in </f and drew away fiercely to his pipe.^ji': " '^t " And now he is come down here, drat - .an—l spose he do think' that' any .paid* cast-off is good enough for we poori?" Cornish knaw^nothingß.! Like fas if'us hadn't.got anybody of ouxQwn. for to send' to Parleyment! '-'-*£';/'■''.- •"".!.' '»,/ And so, Ac must come down here—ci, Methody for vi Churoh folkiand ToiiefttoA.' send en in for a member $,'<- No le^«ftibe, V one thing or tother, or els^fet en leafe i^" , alone," and, ould Uncle Henny w^fttoQ - •grunting again for ever so. long—" UgbTj" ugh, ugh," saya ould Unble'Tttenny': 'jOf course, there's 6ne* l|g;pod thing ' aßpttt it," says ould Uucle Henny, jrrinn- ' ing^all over his face, " of course, he jgll set they Method.ies, by the ears, one agen another,, and,l'm fine glad for that,'too," Bays ooltf;Uncle; Henny; "but for all that he ought to be aghamed of hisielf» and he a Methody! Aw, my dear; here X lev me gone to have another pipe over it. Vote,for en! INo.' I'd sooner hang my- ' self," sajrp ould Uncle Henny. , * '? -. Uncle nenny drawed away at his pipe" M again for a-brave bit, then he bust out' laughing all over, f Tell'e what tis, • cumrades, whenever I do think about it —a Methody and fa Tory !^-it *) come into my mind about mother's lii/tf^headed calf. Mother bought a cow^ce i^ to fair and it come long time for "^'cow to have a calf. Well my dear, when the calf was o born he was a two-headed calf—he was ' sure 'nough—ihe ghastliesMlooking thing it was that ever anybody set eyes upon.

'Tis true, cumnides, as I'm here," says ould Uncle Henny. " Weil," says ould Uncle Henny, " we put en up for to ; suck the cow, but the ould cow couldn't make it out for the life ot en—there was one head in under suckiDg away, she could tell that plain enough, but there was the other head looking up so mild and innocent, like as if he wouldn't touch a drop for worlds and worlds. Well, my dear, the ould cow didn't know what to make of.it, and was just so uucasy as ever she could be..' 'iiither suck or don't suck,' say's she:, "but don't ego on like that there, like as if you was moon..strtffck ' says she—you could see her saying it so plain as nawthing. Well, my dear, it went 00 like that till the ould cow couldn't stand if no longer. She up with ' her leg and fetaLed the two-headed calf a kick that knalpid his wind out, and she never would let that two-beaded calf come nigh her again," says ould Uncle Henny.' 11 Well," says ould Uncle Henny, " Mother was in a pretty way, for she was thinking about buying a carryvan and a-going about the country with this here two-headed calf for to show en. So she brings en in and wraps in up in a flannel petticoat, and then she lays en | down afore the fire. 'Here,' says mother to Martha Ann, ' run up to the vicarage ! 'to once,' says mother, 'and ask Missis to lend 'c one of them there feeding bottles, and ler us gone to get the poor dear some milk!' Well, boy Zekiel was. standing there and says he 'Mother,' says he 'you do want two—-one isn't no good 't all—l I'll run over to Praicher's and ask en to lend us another,' for boy Zekiel do sing up to the Brianites 'pon a Sunday evening.". Then ould Uncle Henny stopped for to keep his pipe in. "Well," says ould Uncle Henny, " Martha Ann, she do belong.downt'othe vicarage sometimes for to mind the passon's chield, she come running up with the bottle, and there was some white trade inside of it—' What's this ?' says mother, * 'Twont hurt en,' says Martha Ann, 'Missis do say it is good for the wind. * Aw,' says mother 'then tho poor, dear shall have it, for I do bleve that's where the ould cow have a hurt en to.' " Well, in a minute over came boy Zekiel with the other bottle, and there was some white trade in that too —' 'Twont hurt en,' says boy Zekiel—' praicher do „ drink it hisself in hot weather.' 'Well,' ■ays mother^the weather is hot enough, for sure.'—Well, ovtr goes and pours a passle of warm milk in each of the bottles, and. put it down for the two-headed calf and directly there was each mouth going , on suck', suck, suck, so hard as ever he could, for he was cruel hungry. "'The dear of en," says mother most a cryiDg quite naytchral, 'Martha Ann, isn't it the dear of en'—' Iss,' says Martha Ann, ' but he's fine and ugly too. Well my dear, he goes on suck, suck, sucking ' for.five minutes or so —and then my dear life! Up jumps the two-headed calf— you never seed anything like it. The tail of en was out so stiff as a poker ; the legs - of en was sticking out like postises ; the . two ghastly heads was stretched with the eyes like as if they was coming clean out, every hair of his body was standing straight upon end, and the persperation come rolliug off en in streams—then all of a sudden he was took long with the awfullest hiccups, aw my dear life, you can't think! It was like a earthquake and whirlwind all in one. It made the ground tremble, and the winders rattle and the house shake. It was roaring in between like thunder. "'Aw, he's mazed,' says mother, pick, ing up the shovel—'Aw,' says Martha Ann, ' he's bewitched—lev us gone up to ould Aunt Keziah, sho do know all about that.' " • Aw, 'tis the devil,' says the boy Zekiel, • send for Vicar, ov'e mother.' " Well my dear, there was some stir,all over the place. The neighbours came , running' over -with pick and gad' and show], gazing in by standing close to the door for fear. Then in come the vicar and says be, ' What was in the bottle couldn't hurt 'en,' says he ' nothing but a nounce of carbonate of soda,' says he. 11' Aw,' says the Briantie prachier,' and mine had a nounce of tartaric acid.' " The two-headed calf never got over it, and when we buried en mother says, says mother, ' Serve'en right,' says mother. ' He've a gone a mixing up Church' and Dissent, and it haven't agreed with 'en,' says mother." Uncle Henny's pipe was out —so he grunted again. '• Ugh, great ghastly two-headed calf going about sucking Church and Dissent,", said Uncle Henny. " When they dobring en round to show en up my way I'll say Bo o-oh to en, and tell en that I hope it won't agree with en,"'say 3 ould Uncle Henny. f&" Iss,". says we,, "and lev us all gone to ; do zactly.tho same to en," and every one of us said " 80-O-OH I" Gwinear, Feb. 26th, 1884.