A LIME-KILN CLUB SCIENTIFIC LECTURE.

Thames Star, Volume XIV, Issue 4566, 23 August 1883, Page 3

A LIME-KILN CLUB SCIENTIFIC LECTURE.

The president stated that Professor Holdback Kemington, the great coloured Ohio scientist and philosopher, whose advent had been predicted at the last meeting, was now present in the anteroom, and shivering with cold and shaking with impatience. He had been in the city for three days, during which time he had frozen his heels and discovered that the sun was 1,009,003 miles nearer the earth at this point than ia Cleveland. The committee of reception then drew on their red mittens, parted their hair in the centre, and disappeared in search for the distinguished visitor. He was condncted.to the platform, formally introduced, and, as he moistened his bronchial tubes with a few swallows of hard cider, he led off:—" Mr frens," he began, "I has been inwited to spoke to you oh de subject of science. I has nc doubt dat some of you has heard deword spoke, or seen it in print at some time ; but how, little de majority of you have etaer realised de beauties, de extent, and "S^y^ower of science! Science has bad a hard/struggle, but she am now top of de heap an' kin reward her frens and forgive her enemies. How do we know dat de airth revolves on her axle-trees, game as de wheels of a wagin ? Science has told us. How do we know how to cross de oshiin ?„ Science pints de way. How do we know dat the great desert of dis day was once an oshun P Science has dug down and foun' clam shells and sharks jawbones. Widout science we would be a world widout overcoats in winter and sody water in summer. We would fall from harvest apple trees an' pick ourselves up widout knowin' wheder grabitashun or agilashun made us come down instead of going up. We should see the moon same as now, but some would say it was inhabited by monkeys, and odders would have an ideah dat it was a splendiferous locality fora persimmon grove. De sun would rise and sot an' warp de shingles on de rooft, but men would go round bluffiV for bets dat she wasn't 50 milesaway an' was held in places by wires." Here the orator paused to scratch his back and take another drink of cider, and amid, a still ness almost solemn be continued," Science has done much, but it hasn't done 'nuff. It has giben us de mariner's compass, but we have no masheett shops whar' bowlegged men can drap in on deir way up home an' git the crook straightened while dey wait. It has giben us steam but we still crawl under de house to thaw out frozen water pipes, ,de same as de Roman senators did 2000 years ago. It has giben us grand euspenshun bridges, but whar am de gas meter which registers in favor ob de consumer? It has giben us de telegraff, but what man among you eber sol eyes on a boot jack which wouldn't miss a hog jist when you were pulling on a wet boot de hardest p It has tunnelled frew mountains, but we hab foun' no better way ob making de baby Bwaller caster ile dan by holdin' its nose same as Eve held Cain's and Abel's in de beginnin'. My, frens, I did not come here to expectorate you wid a tiresome infatuation. Heed well what I have said. Snug up to science. She will keep you cool in summer, an' prevent de shrinkiri' of your winter flannel. It is a deep subjec' for research an' incompatibility, an trustin' dat each one of you may abdicate de reflexup of de consequential, I will draw my brilliant climax to a career."