VARIETIES.

Thames Star, Volume XIII, Issue 4278, 16 September 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

VARIETIES.

Hymn for the confectioners—" The sweet buy and buy." A sharp young fellow says, " If time is money," ho is willing to exchange a little of his for cash. The hardest rocks are made of the softest mud, just as the biggest swells are made from the smallest men. When a young man suffers his sweetheart to rule him with absolute sway, can he properly be called a miss-guided being ? All sorts of sleeves are admissable for ladies' dresses, but the coat sleeve, round the waist, remains the favorite. "How to travel " is the title of a little book just out. How to get the money to travel with is the most serious question of the flitting season.

In reply to a young writer who wished to know which magazine would give him the highest station quickest, a contemporary advised " a powder magazine—if you contribute a fiery article."

" Only a smile that was given to me," inspired a rhymster in New York to write three verses. What he would have done if he had taken another drink defies conjecture.

When reprimanded by his employer for absenting himself from the office for two entire days, Fogg very calmly replied that he believed in the office seeking the man, and not the man seeking the office. It is quite common for a boy to misbehave when people are looking at him, for the mere fun of shocking them. But a man is not a boy. He knows better and acts badly only when people are not looking. It is the little things that fret and worry us. A tbree year old boy may keep a man in perfect misery, whereas no such trials ■would accompany the presence of his eighteen year old sister. "I don't believe in fashionable , churches," said a lady, "but after all, considering that we are all to go to the same heaven, perhaps it's better to keep up the social distinction as long as we can." "Tour heart," said the lecturer, " beats seventy times a minute." This computation does not hold good for ladies running away from a mad bull, or for schoolboys discovered in an apple tree by a lively ' farmer. " If ever I marry I sbant seek for mind, mind's too cold. I'll choose an emotional woman." "Don't do it," eagerly exclaimed his bald-headed friend, " Don't do it I implore you. My wife's an emotional woman." An inveterate wag seeing a heavy door nearly off its hinges, in which condition of neglect it had been for some time, ob served that when it had fallen and killed some one it would probably be hung. "Do you know in what month of the year my wife talks the least ? " " Well, I suppose, when she catches cold and loses her voice." "JSTot at all. It is i n February." " Why is that ?" >« Because February has the fewest days." " What is a junction, nurse ?" asked a seven-year-old tairjr the other day cm a

railway platform. "A junction, my dear," answered the nurse, with the air of a very superior person indeed, " why, it's a place where two roads separate."

An inexperienced lady observes that a Rood way to pick out a husband is to see how patiently the man waits for dinner when it*is behind time. ler husband remarks that a good we 'to pick out a wife is to see whether tne woman has dinner ready in time. A merchant wss walking down to business one Ist of April morning, when he was accosted hy a gamin, who shouted out: " Say, mister, there's suthin' on your coat tail." "Yes, I know—buttons,""said the merchant, mindful of All Pools' Day. When he got into the office, and his partner quietly removed a dishcloth from his coat, he felt like apologising to the small boy. In an old fashioned church fitted vp 1 with galleries and high pews, the congregation were in the habit of dozing during the sermon, and the children in the galleries of indulging in a- loud and lirely game of play. This state of affairs aame to an end at last. The clergyman stopped short in his sermon, looked up sternly at the children, and pointing with one finger to his sleeping congregation, said, in a loud tone of command : "Hush, children! Don't make so much noise or you'll wake your parents!" His words had the desired effect. Seldom after that were there any closed eyes during the sermon. " What's the matter, Uncle Mose ? What makes you look so down in the mouth ?" "I'se got sickness in my family. My boy Sam, and my old fodder am bofe down wid de fever." "Have you got a doctor?" " Don't need no doctur fur de boy. He am young and bound to pull fra, anyhow. Don't kotch me wasting no money dat way." "Well, you ought to have medical attention for your aged father." "He don't need no medical ten* tions no moar den de boy do. He am so ole he can't get well nohow. He am too ole to lib and de boy am too young ter die, but ef I ked hire a preacher for nufifin' to tell dem 'bout de nex world, I'se gwine ter do it."

Two gentlemen were lately examining a portion of a plough in a market place. " I'll bet a sovereign," said one, "' you do hot know what this is for." "Done," said the other ; "it is for sale." The bet was won and the wager paid. O see the young girl In beauty rare, Sans kink, sans curl— Banging her hair. And hear the yonng man At the piano there, Hard as he canBanging his air. A young mother stands , Oppressed with care, With slipper in hands, Banging her heir.

Now, boys, read this :—" What sort of bird is this?" "This is an English sparrow. He cannot carry off a lamb like an eagle, nor is he provided with teeth or claws like the tiger, but he leaves his marks all the same." " How did he get here P:' " A philanthropist brought him over from England." " What was this philanthropist?" "He was thought to be a cross belweeu a lunatic and an idiot." " What did he bring them to America for ?" " Because he hated the country, and wanted revenge. It wasn't enough for him.that we have small-pox, yellow fever, cholera, floods, droughts, cyclones, and grasshoppers." " What are the chief merits of the sparrow ? " —" His beautiful voice and loveable nature. His song is so much sweeter than a file rasping over cast iron, that people have died after hearing it." " How does he employ his time?"—"ln screaming, fighting, and eating early and often." " Where does he build his nest ? "—" In every nook and cranny of the houses. If he could have the use of a thousand trees, rent free, he would turn his nose up at the offer. He couldn't damage a tree any, but he can make it necessary to paint a house every month." "Of what is his nest composed?" "Of everything he can handle, except oyster cans and beer bottles." " Does the hard hearted citizen ever destroy those nests ? " —" He does. When his family clothes-line or cross-bar, or longahandle shovel is missing, he pulls down a nest and recovers the lost article." " What does the sparrow do then?" " He re-builds." " Can he be discouraged ?" " If his nest was pulled down fifteen or twenty thousand ttmes, he might commence to feel down-hearted, but those who have routed him oift five or six hundred times have not seen him change countenance even." " What other birds does he agree with?" "The buzzard j and, I think, the polecat. He is too proud to take up with every stranger that comes along. He has driven away, our .robins and blue-birds, and larks and chickadees, and even the hens are looking for another opening." " Would it be wicked to kill one of these sparrows ?"— Awfully wicked. The philanthropists would raise such a howl that the killer would have to skip the country. Besides, you can't shoot 'em, they won't be poisoned, no one ever trapped one. A man dovr^n the Ohio thinks a blow with a barn' door might, fetch 'em; but it is as yet an untried experiment." This is all for this time. Let us now.. lay away our books and sit on the steps and listen to the! ravishing melody of the sparrow's evening song.—Detroit Free Press. ■ The Bishop of Peterborough canuot hely saying good things, both in and out of ihe pulpit—especially out of it. One night a rich, benevolent, but somewhat brainless millionaire was boasting after dinner that he gave away £2000 to the poor regularly every year. He said—" I think it's right; you know—a sort of duty in my position. I cau't say what becomes of it, but it's given away in charity, that's all I know, and that's all I care about. £2,000 every year! " " What! " said the bishop;" do you really mean to say that you pay away £2,000 to the poor every year as a religious duty ? " •" I assure you, my lord, that is so," replied the wealthy man with* careless complacency. " Well," said the witty bishop, " that's the largest insurance against fire I ever heard of."