Thermometer Pants.

Thames Star, Volume XIII, Issue 4254, 19 August 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

Thermometer Pants.

Hoffenstein was busily engaged scolding Herman for not polishing a lot of cheap jewellery there was in the show case, when a stoop-shouldered countryman entered the store and enquired :

" Have you got any good jean pants here ? "

" Certainly, my freat," replied Hoffenstein, "re makes a specialty of goods in dot line, uad re defy competition. If re seil anyding und you don't like it, you gets your money back or something else in exchange, you know. Vas you a farmer ?."

11 Yes, sir, I lire up on Red River." " Veil den, you need a bair of bants like these," said Hoffenstein, pulling out a sky blue pair from a pile of clothing on the counter; " Dey was the generrine doe skin, and will last de whole year oud, you know."

The countryman took the pantaloons to the light, examined the texture of the cloth, and then shaking his head knowingly said: ' There's too much cotton in them; they will shrink." " Of course, my frent, dey will shrink, but rait und I dells you someding. If a man rat owns a pank or keeps a store comes here, I don't sell him dem kinds of pants. Vy ? Because dey ras made exbressly for de farming pissness. Dey vas de dermometer pants, und a blessing to erery farmer rat rears a bair of dem. Do you know, my frent, dat dose pants vill dell you exactly rat de redder rill be. Yen it ras going to be ret und cold dose pants rill begin to shrink up, und ren it vas going to be dry und warm dey comes right down, you know. Dree years ago I sells a bair uf dem to a man vat ras name Vilkius, und effer since den he makes good crops ren he oder people don't make noding, because .he alwas knows by his dermometer pants rat de redder will be. Afder awhile de people in de neighborhood finds out the secret of Vilkins success, und at the beginning uf de blanding season, you know, dey comes for dirty miles around and dey see Vilkins' pants crawl-' ing up his legs dey holds off and vaits for a change, but if his bants vas down dey goes right back and put in de crop. Dink uf it, my frent. Mid de dermometer bants you can dell exactly ren to put in der cabbage seed and blant corn dwice us bettor as mit nay. almanac; besides, ren de wedder gets so cold und ret dot de bants goes up under your arms you can sew buttons on de front und rear dem as a rest." When Hoffenstein had finished his yarn concerning the pantaloons, the countryman smiled, and, turning abruptly on his heel, left the store. " Did you see de ray dot man acted, Herman ? " said Hoffenstein angrily. " Yes sir," replied the clerk. " Veil, it shust shows dot de more you try to help some beople along.de more you don't get any tanks for it." —JNew Orleans Times.