VARIETIES.

Thames Star, Volume XIII, Issue 4242, 5 August 1882, Page 1 (Supplement)

VARIETIES.

Grocers should remember that honest tea is the best policy. A book with a loose leaf should be bound over to keep the piece. A good motto for a physician: Have patients and you will succeed. A march is said to be the most " sole " stirring music ever yet composed. What utility is there in killing hogs if they are cured directly afterwards ? Almost anybody can run into debf, but nearly everyone has to crawl out of it. Why is, Old Ocean so apt to lash him* self into fury ? Because he is so often crossed. Why should pawnbrokers be melancholy ? BeciUse they lead such a loansome life. "I occasionally drop into poetry." as the mm said when he f'eli into Lite editorial waste basket. What in a«vpoman iscalled "curiosity," in a man is grandiloquently magnified into the " spirit of inquiry." Some housekeepers are so constitutionally wasteful that the more flour they have, the more they knead. At a recent school examination the son of a coal dealer was asked how many pounds were in a ton. He missed. "I'll make a note of this," as the sharper said after he got the unsuspecting farmer to write his name on an innocentlooking bit of paper. 111 feel a poem in my heart to-night," wrote an »«thetic rhymster. But it turned out to be only dyspepsia—oldfashioned heart-burn.-A man who bought a lot of "kitchen furnishing goods " at an auction, said that every article leaked except the cullender and the milk strainer. It being remarked that a certain young man had very lively spirits, an old lady remarked, l% Yes, he's so spirituous, he is always going off on a decanter." The Pleading Daughter—" Ido wish him near, bccau.se I lore him, father." The Stern Parent—"Because you love him near, I do wish him farther " Niiro-glycerine is recommended by a medical journal for certain affections of the chest. Particularly those in which the chest resists the drill and the jimmy.

They have a new game in Indiana. A man who can hold an egg in either hand and jump five feet without breaking the eS% by involuntary squeezing wins the bet.

The Detroit Post and Tribune warns the Boston girls who have taken to wearing helmet hats that if they imitate the Boston police they will never catch a man.

" Oh ! " exclaimed a lady, as a runaway horse dashed past her. "Are you hurt?" asked her companion. "No," she answered; " the exclamation was oh ing to surprise."

A hotel is to be built in Quebec on the spot where General Montgomery made his famous charge ; and it is believed that the charges that will then be made there will be a long way ahead of Mont" gomery's.

" Why does young Noodles pay such close attention to that sickly moustache of bis ? " asked one friend of another, who replied: "O, Noodles once read that close attention to small things makes the successful man."

A pretty rough kind of sport was that in which the family of the Emperor of Brazil and other polite people of Petropolis engaged on a recent carnival day. Rooms fronting the principal street were stored with eggs, lemons, and perfumed water; squirts were provided for throwing the water, and all for bombarding the royal family, which came in a carriage, similarly armed. Everybody was pelted and soaked, the Emperor himself being drenched from head to foot, and at last, when the other ammunition gave out, water was thrown from cups and from a little fire-engine, and the. carriage driven away in a deluge.

" How is it, my dear, that you have never kindled a flame in the bosom of any man ? " said an old lady to her neice. To which the young lady replied, " The reason, dear aunt, is, as you know, that I am not a good match."

Affliction.—A girl in one of our public schools applied to her teacher for leave to be absent for half a day on the plea that they had company at home. The teacher referred her to the printed list of reasons that the School Committee think sufficient to justify absence, and asked her if her case came under any of them. She replied that " it might come under the head of domestic affliction." „.

The German papers told this story in connection with Baron .Rothschild's death :-—A meets B weeping and sobbing aloud. Says A—" Why do you weep ? " " Because," says B, as if his heart were breaking, " because ho is dead-—the powerful, the rich baron." " But," replied A, " why do you cry so much? he is no relation of yours ? " " That's just whatl'm crying about," howled B affected more than ever.

The Catholics of London are building a small copy of St. Peter's Church in that city, at a cost of about £60,00Qj which includes several marble altars. It will be completed the coming summer, and will be one of the chief ornaments of southwestern London. Mr C. T. Studd, one of tbe famous " set," has already twice scored centuries against the Australians, is the most prominent cricketer of the season at Home. Last year his performances were first class, but he seems to have quite eclipsed them this year. By the beginning of June he had made no less than fire centuries, as well as a number of other fine scores in good matches, and besides being a magnificent batsman he is no mean bowler. Horan mentioned him in one of his letters to the Argus in the following terms :—•" He is a fine athletic young fellow, about six feet high, and using his long reach to the utmost, comes down on the ball with a wristy and re--solute stroke. He outs well, hits to leg, well, drives well, and in the opinion of many good judges of cricket is second to no batsman in England. He is 22 years of age, and, besides being such a splendid bat, is said to be a ' thorough good fellow,' being a great favorite with everyone. He can also bowl, being a right-handed, medium pace, over-arm bowler, with a slight break-back." Leslie, the Oxford man, of whom something out of the common was expected, from his performances at school and at Oxford last year, does not compare this season with his Cambridge ri?al,