A HAIR RESTORER.

Thames Star, Volume XII, Issue 3864, 18 May 1881, Page 2

A HAIR RESTORER.

(From the Syracuse Sunday Timei.) It was one of the by-lawsof Heartache's Heavenly Hair Raiser that it be used liberally before retiring, rubbing it well into the scalp, Just before he went to bed that night the man bolted the back door, put the cat in the wood shed, came in whistling the " Patinitza," waltz, danced up to the clock shelfj and pouring out what he supposed to be his hair ferfcjljzer, he_ mopped it all orer his scalp and stirred it *ellVinaroun3 $$&l |6)isof the little hedge of hair at the back of his neck. The glue bottle, by an unearthly coincidence, was nearly the same shape and size as the hair 9ap bottle. He w,ent to bed. / S ■••: -. .• ; ; : : ,>-,3 -'-j <*. £, " George," said his wife,' turning her face to the wall, " that stuff you're putting on yonr hair smells, like a pan of soap grease." ;•':.;,■• •.'■.- ■ . ■■■ ~J ' . - ■•■ " Perhaps I bad better go upstairs and sleep,*' snarled George. "You'remigbtj sensitire ! You woulcTexpect that a man can put stuff on his head that * will-make his hair grow and hare it smell like essence of wintergreen, would you? "

They went to sleep mad as Turks. This particular bald headed man, like a good many other bald headed men, had fo get up and build the fires. Whep he atose next morning, the sun peeped in at the window and saw the pillow cling to the back of his head, like a great white chignon. At first he did not realise his condition;, he thought it.... must ..haw caught on a pin or shirt button. It looked so ridiculous, aud he would throw it back on. the bed before his wife, saw it, so he caught it quickly by one end and " yanked."

" Oh! oh! . Darnation to fishhooks, what has been going on here? Thunder and lightning! "and he began to claw at his scalp like a lunatic. His wife sprang up from her couch and began to sob hysterically; ••• Oh, *don't> George. What is -iff? What's the matter ?" ;

George was dancing nbout; the room, the pillow now dangling; by a few hairs, his scalp covered with something ffi%t looked like sheet copper, while the air was redolent of war-like expletives, «i" if a dictionary had exploded. , With a woman's instinct the poor wife took id the situation at agtanoe, and exclaimedV ■- "It is the glue !'* ru^'j. The bald beaded .man ,sal down, in a chair and looked at her i moment in contemptuous silence, and then uttered the one expressive word " GHue." Now began £ series of proceMef aujl. expjsriments unheard of in the anuali q^flh^adatry- ' ,' ■ ■■■ .'. - f , ■ •'.' '" ' "■" 1 '"■'' ' "Jane,, you must soak it off in warm water. I've got to go td'tTtica to-day." . " r li,can't, George," she replied,, in * guilty tone, " it's watec proof,' " Yes, I might h'ttye known it, and it's fireproof, I suppose top, aiu'tit ?".. J|e scratched over the smooth plating witlfhis finger nails. "It's hard as iron," ,tio said. ;>. " Yes, he said it was good glue," repeated she, innocently. " Can't you, skin it off with your razor, George ?' . " Don't be a bigger-fool than, you are, Jane. Get me that coune file in the woodshed." • '<.

It may be imagined what followed; And now, as the bald-headed man' sits ia his office, he never removes his hat, fop his entire skull is a howling waste of blistered desert, relieved here and there by oasis of black courtplaster.