VARIETIES.

Thames Star, Volume XII, Issue 3839, 19 April 1881, Page 1

VARIETIES.

A "Neat" Chaff.—Scene : A publichOttf* bar. First customer, adding some water: " I wunner, John, ye can tak' whusky withoot water." Second customer, turning to the publican: "He sbarely thinks, Mr Gunn, ye dinna ken yir trade!" Liilie had the toothache, and cried. "I am ashamed of you; I wouldn't be such a baby before everybody."— #< Oh, yes it's all very well for you."—" Why ?" " Because if your teeth ache you can take them out."

A sub-editor and reporter were quarrelling in the editor's room. " You are a donkey!" said the sub editor. "You aro another! " said the reporter promptly"Pooh! pooh ! " returned the sub-editor ,-^ "you are the greatest donkey I know ! '' "Gentleman, gentlemen ! " said the editor looking up from his desk, "you forget,! think, that I am present." The syb- g editor apologised. :^| A fashionable young man has acquired ' - considerable fame as a musical bore on ; the violin. One night at a social gathering he announced that he was going to '- send for a violin and draw a few of Beethoven's immortal symphones put of it, as it were. To his amazement, all the gentlemen present volunteered to go for the fiddle, and up tflT'the date none of them have got back with it. " Papa, didn't you^frhip me once for biting little Tommy ?" ' Yes my child ; you hurt him much." "Well then, papa, you ought to ?whip sister's music master, too; he bit sister, yesterday, afternoon, right on the lip, and I knew it hurfher, because she put her arms rouud j his neck and tried to choke him." .

A gentleman who was on a visit to Niagara, when the car raised and lowered by steam-power was in use on the inclined plane, went into the starting house to witness the descent, being too timid to go down himself. After the car started, fully impressed with the danger, he turned to the man in charge, and said ; "Suppose sir, that rope should break P" The man, with serious countenance and a single eye to business, replied : ".'Oh; they all paid before they went."

A gentleman who took occasion to doctor his ale-tub on Sunday was taken to task by his good wife for labouring on that day. His reply was that no pood Christian ou?ht to find fault- with his work, as he had been doing his best to prevent his ale from working. 'Earnt Beat Jonathan.^-An American tourist was visiting Naples, and saw Vesuvius during an eruption. "Have you seen anything like that in the New World ?" was the question of an Italian spectator. "No," replied Jonathan, " but I guess we have a mill-dam that would put it out in five minutes". "That fellow is just like a telescope," said a dashing New York girl. " You can draw him out, see through him, and ;»shut him up again." '