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Thames Star, Volume X, Issue 3335, 30 August 1879, Page 4

wag too white, He pared me down in this way for a long time. Finally I ;'Mid—" .. ', .■ <\ ■. ■■„ : ' 4Vlt is a tedious procen. It will take hours to trim me to the size yon want me; I will wait; go and borrow a jackplane." He paid no attention at all. After a while he brought a basin, some soap, and ■omething that seemed to be the tail of a horse. He made up a prodigious quantity of soapsuds, deluged me with them from head to foot without warning me to shut my eyes, and then swabbed me viciously ; with the horsetail. Then he left me there, a snowy statute of lather, and went •way. When I got tired of waiting I Went and hunted him up. He wai propped against the wall in another 1 room ••leep. I Woke hiirk. He was not diseoncerted. He, took me back anil'flooded me with Water, then turbaned my ; head,' swathed me with dry table-cloths, and conducted me to a latticed chickencoop in one*.of the galleries, and: pointed 'to one of ,' "those Arkansas bedsW I mounted it, and, vaguely; expected ihe Odoursof^^Arabf. Vagain r They. jdid r npt^ cotne. .a The blank, unornamented coop had nothing about it of that Oriental voluptuousness one reads of so much. Itjwas; more suggestive of the country hospital than anything else. The skinny servitor ; brought a narghili, and I got him to take; it out again without,. wasting any,time; about ft !i Then he 'brought the world-; renowned 'Turkish coffee that poets have ; aung sO rapturously for sojm^ny generations, and 1 seized upon it as the lasthone that was left of my old dream of Eastern; luxury. It was another fraud. Of all; the unchristian beverages that ever passed; my lips, Tnrkish cpffee is the worst. The; 1 cup is small, it;is smeared with grounds ; the coffee iasblack, thick, unsavoury of smell, and execrable in taste. The ; bottom of the cup has a muddy sediment in it, half an inch deep. This goes down your throat, land portions of it lodged by <W6 waj, and produce a tickling ag^rava-j lion that keeps you barking and coughing for an Hour. # . ; f V ' Here endeth my experience of the cele-, brated Turkish bath, and here also endeth' my dreams of the bliss the mortal revels, in who passes through it. It is a malignant swindle. The man who enjoys it is qualified to enjoy anything that is repulsive to sight or sense, and he that can ; invest it witha charm of poetry is able to; do the same with anything else in the; world that is tedious, and dismal, and; nasty. .

Never Satisfied.—An Irishman went to the theatre for the first time. Just as the curtain descended on the first act a' boiler in the basement exploded, and he: was blown through the roof, coming down in the next street. After corning to his senses be asked, " An' what piece do yez play nixt ? '• A man recently arrested for being the husband of four wives, says he has no recollection of having married- so many, times, and thinks it mnst have happened while he was away from home. HoiiowAT's Ointment ajtd Pius.— Rheumatism or Neuralgic Affections.-7No diseases are more frequent, painful, or difficult to cure than these. From their attack no tissue of the human body is exempt, no age, 'sex, or calling secure. It is a blessing, however, to know that all these sufferings may be completely and expeditiounly subdued by Holloway's remedies. The Pill? much assist ib banishing the tei-dency to rheumatism «nd similar painful disorders; whilst the Ointment cures the local ailments, the Pills remove the constitutional disturbance and regulate the impaired functionof every organ through^ out the human body*■ -The cure ;is-neither temporary nor superficial, but permanent and complete, and th» disease rarely recurs, so perfect has' been tbjt purification performed by these searching preparations.