NOT AN EXCEPTION.

Thames Star, Volume VIII, Issue 2946, 25 July 1878, Page 3

NOT AN EXCEPTION.

It is a scientific fact that the peculiar species of women popularly known as the female 'reformer is usually thin and bony. Whether the advocacy of reform has a direct tendency to develope bones, or whether women who are congenially bony become reformers because they are shut out from the ordinary pleasures and pursuit of plump and pretty women, has not been satisfactorily ascertained, (ialen expresses the opinion that " reform is bred in the bone ; " meaning thereby, that an excess of bones developes a'drsire for reform ; while, on the other hand, Paracelsus insists that " when a woman Iroubleth her mind, concerning affairs beyond her comprehension, her flesh wasteth and her bones wax large. It is conceded by anatomists and chemists that the bones of eminent female reformers contain an excess of phosphorus, and it has been assorted that if the elbow of Mrs Swisshelm is briskly rubbed against a piece of sandpaper, it gives out a bluish flame, accompanied by phosphorus acid. It is not, however, necessary at this time to decide upon the cause of the intimate association between bones and female reformers. It is enough simply to remind the public

that the "more earnestly a. woman may

advocate female suffrage and trousers, <~~pte~more closely may we expect to find M&Hf approaching the general weight and appearance of a human skeleton. To this rule there has, nevertheless,

been one apparent exception, which has greatly puzzled our scientific men. The ( Rev. Eliza Wilkinson, who lately ministered to the Free-will Universalist congregation of Clinton, 111., and who has been present at dozens of dress reform conventions,; has .always been hurled— metaphorically, of course—in the faces of those "who insist that all female reformers are necessarily bony. There is no doubt that she has been a stumbling-block in the path of science, for although her face has been confessedly Fomewhat thin and sharp, her figure has been plump and beautifully proportioned. In former years it was frequently alleged that Miss Wilkinson was partly the product of art, and that no confidence ought to he placed in her apparent plumpness ; but after a committee of her enemies had watched her for an tntire year, and made sure that during that time not an ounce of cotton had entered her house, they were forced to give up their unworthy suspicions. That 'she was entirely genuine was gradually conceded by all; and our ablest scientific men were finally compelled to admit that she was either an entirely new species of female reformer or that she was a large

and heavy lusus natures. Their want of absolute confidence in the uniformity of nature has since been sigrally rebuked, and they are now ready to affirm that they always knew that she was no exception to the universal law. On the third Thursday in March last the congregation over which Miss Wilkinson presides celebrated the tenth anniversary of its organisation. As the meeting-house is a small one, the celebration was held in the Town-hall, where a platform was erected, from which, with the aid of a table and a glass of water, Miss Wilkinson proposed to deliver an eloquent lecture. The Clinton Cornet Band volun-

teered its services,, and a company of coloured minstrels from Alabama kindly consented to add to the attractions of the celebration. Thus it came to pass that at least half an hour before the appointed time the building was so completely full that even the aisles were crowded with people- I Rev. Miss Wilkinson approached the Town-hall at precisely five minutes before 8 o'clock, and at once perceived that she could "never force her way through Ihe people to the stage. In this emergency one of the town trustees —Mr Henry Barnes, a man of unimpeachable veracity —proposed that she should gain a rear window by means of a ladder and so reach the stage without difficulty. To this proposal she assented, and the ladder being procured, Mr Barnes held it while she cautiously ascended to the window. He has since testified that, in spite of the utmost

discretion on his part, Miss Wilkinson's ostensible plumpness could not escape his ' notice, and he repudiates with scorn the suggestion that the fact that the stripes were horizontal produced upon him an impression of a plumpness which did not . really exist. There happened to be a sharp nail projecting from the side of the ladder near its upper end, audMr Barnes asserts that Miss Wilkinson, having gouged one of her—in short, having come in contact with this nail, gave a little shriek which drew his attention to. At any rate, he claims that it was not his fault, aud that he was not the victim of a mere ocular delusion.

The eloquent and plump reformer was received by the audience with great applause, and began a superb oration upon " Sincerity." She demanded that men and women should be, above all things, sincere, and should avoid shams and pretences of all kinds. Warming with her argument, she walked to and fro upon the stage, and occasionally stamped her foot with much emphasis. Soon the audience began to notice a curious deposit of the color and general appearance of b'ajj, which formed little ridges along T^^age wherever the speaker walked. I^^tms also noticed that whenever she stamped her foo* or remained in one position for a few moments, a small mound of the mysterious substance made its appearance. After a time another phenomenon created fresh astonishment. Miss Wilkinson was; obviously growing thinner. Her dress hung loosely upon her, and before long she presented the appearance of a very thin school-girl wearing the clothes of a fat aunt. It was not until Miss Wilkinson had was ed to an extent that created unusual horror and delay that she noticed anything was wrong. As she cast her eyes downward she perceived the deposits of bran. Instinctively putting both hands to her waist, she felt that her plumpness had vanished, and as the full extent of her calamity had flashed upon her, she sank in a fainting fit to the floor, and was carried out by two deacons —a mere bundle of clothing enclosing a scarcely perceptable quantity of female reformer. The bran was swept up—there was nearly a bushel of it—and a desperate attempt was made to hush the matter up. Mr Barnes, however, could not be bribed to silence, and the scientific men who accept his explanation bless the friendly nail which accidentally demonstrated that Mrs Wilkinson is no exception to the great law that all female reformers consist chiefly of v bones. —From the New York Times.