A MODEL HOTEL.

Thames Star, Volume VII, Issue 2107, 5 October 1875, Page 4

A MODEL HOTEL.

The following description of a model hotel would apply in several particulars to one of a model editor: —"The Suitem House-—Strive and Sweet. proprietorsSaponaceous Springs, N. Y. This hotel has "been huilt and arranged for the especial comfort and convenience of summer boarders. Corner front rooms, up only one flight, for every guest. Baths, gas, water-cooler, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, restaurant, fire alarm, bar-room, daily paper, coupe, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room. Meals every minute if desired, and consequently no second table. English, French, and German, dictionaries furnished to every guest to make up such a bill of fare as he may desire. Waiters of every nationality and colour desired. Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquet, fulldress suits, ball tablets, and his .hair parted in the middle. Every guest will hare the best seat in the dining-hall and the best waiter in the house. Any guest not getting his. breakfast red hot, or experiencing a delay of sixteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the office, and the cook and waiters will be blown up from the mouths of cannon in front of the hotel at once. Children will be welcomed with delight, and requested to bring hoop-sticks and hawkeys to bang the rosewo )d furniture, especially provided for that purpose, and pegtops to spin on the velvet carpet, and they will be allowed to bang on the pianos at all hours, yell in the halls, slide down the banisters, fall down stairs, carry away desset enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves as disagreeble as the fondest mother can desire. Washing allowed in rooms, and ladies giving an order to ' put me on a flat-iron,' will be put on one at any hour of the day or night. A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows and Knights of Pythias, and who was never known even to tell the time of day, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to ladies' rooms in the evening. Every lady will be considered tbe belle of the house, and row-boys will answer bells promptly. Should any row-boy fail to appear at a guest's door with a pitcher of ice-water, more towels, a gin cock-tail, and pen, ink, and paper, before the guest's hand hag left the bell knob, he will be branded 'Front' on the forehead, and imprisoned for life. The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can lead in prayer, play draw poker, match worsted at the village store, shake for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, waltz finely, and dance the 'German quadrille, make a" fourth at euchre, amuse children, repeat the Beecher trial from memory, is a-good judge of horses, as a railway and steamboat reference is far superior to Appleton's or anybody else's guide, will flirt with any youag lady and not mind /being cut dead when 'pa comes down' don t mind being damned any more than a Connecticut river, can room forty people in the best room in the house when the hotel is full, attend to the annunciator, and answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language at the same moment without turning a hair. Dogs allowed in any room in the house. Gentlemen can drink, Smoke, swear, chew, gamble, stare at new •arrivals, and indulge in any other innocent amusement common to watering places, in any part of the hotel. The landlord is always happy to hear that some other hotel is'the best in the country.' Special attention given to parties who can give information as to ' how these things are done elsewhere.' The proprietor will take it as a personal affront if any guest on le.aving shall fail to dispute bis bill, tell him that he is a swindler, his house a barn, his tables wretched, his wines vile, and that he, the guest, was never so imposed upon in his life, will never stop there again, and means to warn hi« friends.'