American Notions.

Thames Star, Volume VII, Issue 2087, 11 September 1875, Page 3

American Notions.

* The editor of The Buffalo Express likes women in the present fashion firstrate as far as he can see. So he says. ■ A woman who can make a bed without leaving a lump in it, and can cook a beef-steak right, need not worry about her future. . ! Ayoung lady in Massachusetts cancelled her marriage engagement because " dad believes that we have a gold mine on our farm." A Philadelphia confectioner advertises " centennial kisses." They are perfectly safe, but not so agreeable as the kisses of sweet sixteen. ~r " Such remarks I consider ' low,' and an insult to my ' understanding,' " said a witty beauty to a gentleman who praised her small feet. A Milwaukee paper says of the air, in its relations to man, "It kisses and blesses him, but will not obey him." Blobbs says that that description suits his wife exactly. A fine edition of Edgar Poe's works, recently-issued in Edinburgh, was printed from type set by two girls, who learned the trade during the strike of the printers of that city. The editor of The St. Louis Republican urges citizens never to spare a burglar. "Kill him as soon as he enters the house," says he. And .the editor of The Republican makes his wife sleep on the front side of the bed. -A Lowell man keep 3up his woodpile by making bets that his wife can saw and split two cords in twelve hours. The poor woman is so vain of her husband's praise that she never can be brought to ace the speculation in it. Although it is expressly provided that the right of citizens to bear arms shall not be infringed, a matron of Memphis hat been seized by the minions of despotism for supplying pistols to the inmates of the jail at that place.. A lady being asked by a gentleman to be his wife, wrote the word " stripes," and stated tbat the^ letters of the word could be transposed into Ibe answer. He finally stud'ed out " persist"—what every woman wishes her lover to do. .A fussy and over-particular young lady was having her photograph taken, and jusfc as the operator had got her down to the "perpectly still" business, she suddenly threw up her arms, and exclaimed : " There, I forgot to put my bustle on ! " " There is an affection of the left ventricle of his cardiac organ," said the doctor, looking at her gravely. "By cardiac.organ, madam, I mean his heart." "Oh, I know what his hearfc is. It's a lot of sausage skin without enny stuffin'.." Brooklyn Argus. •'Henrietta," said a lady to her new girl, " when there's bad news—particuA larly family afflictions —always let the *t boarders know it before dinner. It may seem strange to you, Henrietta, but such things, make, a great differenca in the eating in the course of the year." They were seated at a Jate dinner when rthe door-bell rung and the servant handed a card to Lavender's wife. " Why, good gracious, it's our minister, and I've been eating onions ! "she exclaimed. " Never ajind," said Lavender, "You needn't kiss him torday." A Kansas man spent three days praying for the grasshoppers to leave, and they didn't leave a leaf on any of his trees or a vegetable on the farm. "Trust in Providence, brethren," remarked a western clergyman last Sunday; when up rose a rugged farmer and said: " What! with them grasshoppers upon us?" f A Kansas woman offers to bet §50 that her husband can " cuss" a bushel of grasshoppers entirely out of the country while the people are fasting and praying a pint out of a ten acre wheat field. " Bewivalists, indeed! " said Mrs Partington, " I ain't got no patience with such folks. I made my dear P. promise faithfully that if I proceeded him to my grave he never would take another."

There was a ludicrously sudden descent from the sublime to the ridiculous where a clergyman preaching on the " Ministry of Angels " suddenly observed, " I hear a whisper," the change of tone started one of the deacons, who sat below, from a drowsy mood, and springing to his feet he cried, ''It's the boys in the gallery." A boy got his grandfather's gun and loaded it, but was afraid to fire; he, however liked the fun of loading, and so put in another charge, but was still afraid to fire. He kept on charging, but without firing, until he got six charges in the old piece. His grandmother, learning hi a temerity, smartly reproved _ him, and, grasping the old contential, discharged it. The result was tremendous, throwing the old lady on her back. She promptly struggled to regain her feet, but the boy cried out, "Lid still granny; ) there are fire more charges to go off yet." " How would you feel, my dear, if you were to meet a wolf ?" asked an old lady of her little grandchild, with whom she was walking along a lonely country road. " O grandmamma, 1 should be so frightened !" was the, reply. " But I should ■tand in front, of you and protect you," said the old lady. " Would you, grannie ?' cried the child, clapping her hands with delight. " That would be nice ! While the wolf was eating you I should have time to run away." Aunt Hetty inquired of the servant girl recently if she came from the Hungarian parts of Ireland. On being told that j her geographical knowledge wasjjpmewhat defective, she excused herself Dy..saying, "I hain't much learnin'; I never went to school but one day, and that was in the j evenin', and we hadn't no candle, and the j master didn't come." Says a lady in The Woman's Journal: <* Yon can't imagine the wretchedness of unbusiness women, set down to conduct or share in committee work. How to move a resolution, or what to do with it after it was moved! Pass it ? certainly— two ladies voting for it in a whisper, the rest timidly and deprecatingly silent. It is carried. Then is the signal for discusdon «It wasn't right; they didn t want it; it must be done some other way. A physician's wife, who was bored with Tisitors; remarked to her husband the

other day at the table, where quit© a number of her guests were seated ; " My dear, I was afraid the children would get hold of that let; you brought home from the dissecting room last night* so I took it down stairs with me, and that's it wrapped up in a towel on the side-board there." She dines pretty much without company now.—Brooklyn Argus. A. Celestial attended prayer-meeting at one of the churches the other night and «at directly in front of several small boys. John was observed to suddenly rise and move out wearing a very grave countenance. Somebody at the door asked him what was the matter, and elicited the reply: "Toomuehee pinchee, heap needle, hell, damn,"—Nashville Banner. A charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a causeway to bo begun; and as he was one day overlooking the workmen, a certain nobleman passing by, said to him— " Well, doctor, for all your paina and charity, I don't take this to be the highway to heaven." " Very true," replied the doctor, " for if it had, I should have wondered to have seen your lordship here." At a camp-ineeting last summer, a venerable sister began the hymn: " My soul be on thy guard ; Ten thousand foes arise." She began in shrill quavers, but it was pitched too high : " Ten thousand —ten thousand," she screeched, and stopped " Start her at 5,0C0! " cried a converted stock-broker present. —Bric-a-Brac, Scribner for July. . Many stories about' Messrs Moody and Sankey are running through the London papers. Mr Moody was waited upon by the agent of a life assurance office, who desired to effect a policy on his life. Mr Moody, in a very sanctimonious manner, assured the agent that he never took thought about such worldly affairs, but that if the agent could insure his soul he would be very pleased. " I'm afraid there would be a little difficulty," said the agent blandly, " as ours is not a fire office." * ■ In some of our temples of worship, those who go round with the contribution box plead and argue the case as they go along. One of those gentlemen recently extended the box to a good-looking gent, who slowly shook his head. " Come, William, give something," said the good man of the church with the box. " Can't do it deak," said William. " Why not; isn't the cause a good one ? " " Yes, good 'nuff; but I ain't able to give nothing." " Pooh ! pooh! I know better. You must give me a better reason than that." " Well, I owe too muoh money." " Well, but William, you owe God a much larger debt than any one else." " That's true, but he ain't a-punchin' me like the rest of my creditors." i