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Thames Star, Volume VII, Issue 1984, 14 May 1875, Page 4

A Mild Wat of Putting It.—As Marc Antony reached the climax- of his the scene was immeasurably marred funeral oration in Indianapolis, an urchin let off a fire-cracker, and, as one paper tenderly expresses it, " the full pathos of thereby." Patience jv DiFTiciTiiTY—A noted politician is reported to have stood two tours on the kerb-stone, the night after an election, waiting for the red light over an open sewer to come along, supposing it to be the lamp of a street tram. He said he hadn't drank more .than, usual either. —American paper. 1 A Pleasant Phospect.—Traveller fin Ireland): " Hi—pull her up man! ' Don't you see the mare is running away ?"—Paddy : " Hould tight, " y'er *onor! .For yer life don't touch the reins! Sure they're as rotton as pears ! I'll turn her into the river at the bridge below here. Sure that'll stop her, the blagyard!" • ;, Punch's Advice jeo a Baby.—Don't come into the world fn could weather.— If you are the heir of a branch' of the house of Smith, by no means permit your parents to christen you Howard, or Stanley, or Clinton, or Spenser.—lf you are a lady-baby, don't let them call you Mary Ann or Mary Jane, or Sophonisba, or Sophronia. Think of your future husband's misery under such conditions. —Be intensely cross to everybody. Nobody asked whether you wished to enter! the would, and.you have a right to protest against being brought into it. Cry, lustily. It is good for the,lungs, and ii generally results in something nice being X produced to quiet you.—A How' rip bnelto' talk politics in your presence; It cannot , be of the slightest consequence to you at| present who is to be the leader of the Liberal party. When you are grown up (if a Liberal party should still exist) the question vrill have been settled and unsettled a dozen times. You are recommended to scream at the name of Gladstone. —Scream when you are smacked and go to bed early. On a benefit night at the Dublin Theatre, many particular friend*.;6f the actor were let in at'a private doio^rb'efofe 1 the great doors were opened, which, when discovered, a gentleman cried out, "It is a shame that they should fill the house full of people before anybody comes." ■ Sweet Goxtktsy LiFE.-r-What can be pleasanter, says an exchange, than the life of a Missouri farmer? At daylight he gets up and examines the holes around his corn-hills for cut worms, then .he • smashes coddling moth larvse with a hoehandle until breakfast.. The forenoon is devoted to watering thepotato bugs with a solution of Paris-green, and after dinner all hands turn out to pour boiling?water on the chintz-bugs in the corn and wheat fields. In the evening a favourite occupation is smudging peach trees to discourage the curculio; and after a brief season of family devotion' at the shrine of nightflying coleoptera, all the folks retire and sleep soundly till Aurora reddens the east, and the grasshoppers tinkle again on the panes, and summon them to the labours of another day. Remedy sor a Long Nose.—The funny gentleman who knocked up a physician at the West End, at 2 o'clock in the morning, and when he put his head out of the, window, anxiously said, "Be quick, I want a halfpennyworth of pills ? " tried a joke on with another doctor whom he met at a dinner table. "Doctor," said he, " what shall I do to keep from hurting my nose when asleep ? " Having a long nose he intended to be facetious, and he was not aware the doctor had a remedy for "long noses and facetiousness, for ,the rdoctor said, "You should have a few 5 hinges made in it, so as to fold it ug like a two-foot ride when you go to bed.'