MRS BROWN GOES TO THE DERBY.

Thames Star, Volume VII, Issue 1886, 19 January 1875, Page 3

MRS BROWN GOES TO THE DERBY.

(BY ARTHUR SKETCH!Y.)

The Derby indeed! I should like to catch myself a-going. None of your races for me, Mr Brown, as is things as has brought more parties to ruin than perhaps drink itself, as will undermind the pocket and bring sorrow to the heart. I ainit a-going to no race; it's all very weu'o talk about Mr Heafey's cart, but I knows what that is capable on ; that time aa we did go, certainly the weather was iWely, and me a panting for the green fields, so I give way. So Brown says, "go or stop, as you likes, but I'm off, and there's a seat in the cart for you." I says " Brown, if you think as I'm a-going to make a third on that front seat of that cart you're mistaken, for I'm sure, let alone being scrouged up, Mi* Heafey's elber in my side constant I can't stand," thro' him being that violent with that horse, and a-jerking at. his mouth, tnd was enough to rise his head off, so I says, "no thank you." "Well," says Brown, "then have a chair behind where there's room, and ample, for four." Certingly the day was what I call a lowery day, and I said as there'd be rain a fore long, thro* the new moon a-cbming rery much on her back, and my feet being that throbby as made me feel tired a-fore we started. And touch a bit at my breakfast I couldn't was it ever so, and Brown was that aggravating and saying as I was dressed too hot, but I says, "Im sure, Brown, a setting about in the open air all day is apt for to stagnate the blood, as will take a chill sudden." Mrs Heafey, she's quite the lady' tho' being his second, don't get on with his daughter by the first, as is older by two years, and as plain a gal as ever you set eyes qn, but dressed out in a clear musling, as showed her black boots, as looked bad ; and then there was a little Charley, as certingly Mrs. Heafey do make a fool on, thro' being the only one, and sickly from his birth; and there was Mrs Heafey's mother, as is a I can't a-bear, having seen her liquor-up myself; and there was Brown and me, seven in all, and I'm sure the way as that cart tilted up when Mrs Jarvis, as is Mrs Heafey's mother, got in behind nearly pitched me backwards and I was that aggravated with Brown, as kep' a-calling,of us ballast., . . , And when we started, the way. as the sharfs struck, out in front of that horse's head lite horns was singlar, but certingly he looked beautiful' thro' being dressed out lovely with laylpcks and laburnams, and seemed quite proud on it, a-tossing of it. up like a fellow.-creature ; and certingly a very pleasant drive we had, I must say; not as I was over comfortable, thro' th*e basket of provisions being crammed in so as I couldn't move my feet, and a large stone bottle of beer acrowding up the bottom of the cart and that boy Charley, a-keeping a-climbing all over the'cart, as I expected to fall,under the wheel at every turning. , ; Well, if it hadn't been for the dust as was clouds; I should have like to have looked about me, and was thankful for a glass of ale now and then as we took, and it was very pleasant but for words a-tween Brown and Heafey about the road, as got thicker and thicker at erery turn as we took; and I never did —sich elegance, the carriages with ladies dressed that lovely as made you quite think as they must be duchesses at least; and the postboys with silk jackets and ribbins and the gentlemen in their wails as looked very eff'cmeral, and the driving and the hooting; but whatever they kep' a-shooting peas at me for I can't think, tho' I'm sure some gentleman outside of a four-horse coach was very polite, and says, " 'Ow are you, Mrs Brown ?" and I certingly was very nigh stifled with heat and dust, and when the sun came out I thought I should have died. When all of a sudden we stopped thro' a sudden jerk as pitched me nearly out of the cart, and I then found as we was there. Glad I was to get out of that cart, thro my limbs being that cramped as down I goes thro' Brovrn a-jumping me out sudden, and I says, " Brown, I shall never get up no more unless I has a-something for to take," as certing'y brought me round. But law, the dust, I never was in such a state and I was downright sick of hearing them Heafeys a-wrangling, as I walks myself off along with the child Brown he hollers out, and ho says " Don't you miss us-di I says, " Brown, I wasn't born yeijbrday/ and bff'l goes', and we walks along and kep' seeing the company arrive. Well, we was a-walking along, and fellows kep' a-offering me cards, and wanted me to have a shy, and a brazen crcatur begun a-teliing of my fortin along of the side of a carriage where there was a lot of grianing fellows, and the next carriage was fall of parties, as of course was ladies, but I must say as they was too free in their ways for me; so after we'd walked about ever so long thro' feeling, tired I says, " Charley," I says, " we'll go back." He says, " Do," and we was walking along, when of all of a sudden I-got a crack on the side of my head as made me hollar, and down I goes like a shot. It was one of them fools as was a-shying at pincussions and things as had missed Ms aim and struck me. I says, I'll have the law on you. « Police !" I says, and if they didn t all laush. Well, we kep' a walking, and I couldn't see nothing of' the cart, tho' I knowed the spot where I'd left it; so at last we gets out of the scrouge into a open place where there wasn't nobody a-walking, and was looking at a place where crowds was a-sitting ,one above the other. I says, " I wonder who they can be!" when all of a suduen a chap comes a-riding up and says, " Get off the course, will you ?" "No," I says "I wont! and I shan't go till I find it." He says, " You must go." "Here!" he says, and out rushes two

policemen like .tigers on me. Little Charley began a-screaming, people was a-hoUaring and a-hooting; the police catches 'old of me by the arms, and if they didn't run we along with them till my breath was gone and my le»s a-faiiinjsr,. and ketches my foot in something, and down we all went with that shock as half stunned,mo, and when I come to, parties | was a standing round, and give me water as I wouldn't touch thro fear of a chill and Charley a-screarning for his " Ma;" and one lady says to me, "Mum, it's a mercy.as. you're not killed," for shf says, " If them police hadn't saved you, you'd a-been run down." ' Well, I'd lost my redicule, and hadn't no change to get nothing for to pacify Charley, as would keep on a-howling awful, , till I loses all patience,, and gives him a good shake, and heard Mrs Heafey hollar out, "You please to let my child alone, you old wixen ! " and there we was close again the cart. So I says, " Mum," I says " he did ought to be taught better." I was put out* for Brown began a-blowing me up and said as they'd waited for me ever so long ; and if they hadn't been and had their wittles and messed everything about. I'm sure the meat-pie as I'd made looked as if dogs had been at it. I.couldn't a-touched it, so I hadn't nothing but a bit a bread and cheese, and a drop of beer as was flat as ditch-water, and was that hurt with Mrs Heafey as I went and sit down on the ground, and certainly Brown did bring me a little cold without, when he came and said we was a-going. So I gets into that cart with a heavy heart, and we was jusfc-a- driving off when I got a blow in the back as took my breath away, and if it wasn't parties in coaches as was a-hitting me with oranges as came as thick as hail a-smashing all over me. I felt that faint, and if I hadn't had a something in my redicule as I keps a-tak-ing for to support me ; and Mrs Jarvis, she was snoring all the way, and was took ill quite sudden, and said it was the-cart; but I says, " mum !" I say?, " it's other things on the top of the cart;" but just then I,took that faint myself, and down came the rain in torrents, and crowds a'owling and hitting at one all the way from Clapham, and I remember no more till I was in bed in the morning and Brown says to me, jeering, " I say, old gal, beer and sperits won't mix." I says, "Brown," I saps, "that air was too sudden, and that's what disagreed with me." He only says, " Walker." So I says, " Never will I go so far out in one and back again as•; long as my name's Brown, for them sudden changes don't suit me." j •.-,,.