SOME WITTY REPLIES TO AWKWARD REMARKS.

Temuka Leader, Issue 2885, 24 October 1895, Page 3

SOME WITTY REPLIES TO AWKWARD REMARKS.

Comparatively few people are gifted with an intellect so keen as to unable them to return, on the spur of the moment, witty answers to remark- or questions which, sonje’imos, had bean bettor loft unsaid. True, most of us can tn’mk when the opportunity has passed !; uv easily we might have scored against an adversary if wo had only considered a little before replying ; but this only shows what very ordinary mortals r arc. A good example of ready wit, but quite devoid of innocent intent, was the answer giv-mbyan old Baptist minister to a newly Ih'dged young rector, who was imbued with tiy; highesjt of 'High Cijnro'h ideas. The two wore pitrodwced by the host at a social gathering of thu local industry, and the Churchman on grasping hands with the Baptist blandly observed, with a patronising air : —“ 1 am very glad to shake hands with yon as a gentleman Mr B——; out, you know, 1 cannot admit tint, yon are a clergyman.” “ For my part,” responded the other, with equal suavity ot mauuor, “ 1 am happy to greet you as a

clergyman, but I am sorry I cannot as a gentleman,” and the lesson thus sharply given was probably not lost upon the younger man. But to tell a man in the midst of an assembly largely composed of lords and ladies that he is a hog, without actually making use of a single offensive word, is an achievement which few could hope to perform. Yet this is what Rothschild is reported to have done some years ago. It so happened that he was surrounded by many men of learning, and was conversing with one who always allowed his detestation of everything Jewish to overcome ordinary good manners and common politenass. Commenting upon the beauties of a place which this gentleman of standing and position had visited in his travels, he so far forgot himself as to add to one of his remarks : “ And I was informed, too, that there are neither Jews nor hogs to bo found there!”

It was an unpardonable affront under such circumstances, and the great fluancier doubtless felt that it merited a stinging retort, for ho immediately responded ; “ Is that really so, sir ? Then you and I should certainly pay that spot a visit. We should be great curiosities.” For a man, however, to turn a satire uttered by a lady, dead against herself, demands not only that the circumstances should absolutely call for reproof, but that the reprover should possess in the highest degree the qualities which go to make a wit of tho first water.

The sou of an English earl, staying in Vienna, was, one evening, at a grand dinner, to which also had been invited some of the most distinguished ladies and gentlemen of that city. One of tho ladies, noted even amongst her intimate friends for saying shrewd but ungracious things, considered the Englishman worthy of her somewhat embarrassing observations, and smilingly asked him (the opportunity having presented itself) how it was that English people generally spoke French so indifferently. “ Why, my lord,” she added, encouraged by the smiles of some of the others, “ wo Austrians use that tongue with the same freedom as we do our native language.” “Madam,” was tin biting rej under she had little anticipated, “ 1 can only account for it by the fact that you have twice entertained ",the French army in your capital, and we have never permitted them to enter ours ! ”

A.t the first performance of DuraaT Etrangere, everybody appeared to be so preoccupied and wore such a serious countenance that Marshal Caurobort, who happened to be present, remarked it, and inquired the reason. Madame Brohan, it is recorded, answered : “ We aro on the eve of a great battle and I suppose fear affects us as you see.” “Fear?” the Marshal said, looking round with a puzzled air. Madame Brohan immediately summoned an attendan' and briefly said : “ Picard, a dictionary for the Marshal.” A neater or wittier compliment in fewer words it would be almost imposible to quote It was a lady, too, who ventured to publicly reprove a well-known London society man for his over-fondness of good living. As usual, the gentleman made himself conspicuous by the appetite he displayed at a dinner to which he and others of the “ upper ten ” had been invited. To make matters worse he was sufficiently unwise, or thoughtless enough to attempt to excuse himself with the remark that, “ In eating well I praise the food,” thereby using a well-known quotation. It was an opportunity not to be lost by the somewhat disgusted and witty lady sitting at his elbow. “ Really, sir,” she observed, with a sweet smile, “ you should nut carry praise to the point of flattery.”

iii y Mcßae, a married man witho nt family, a farmer at Lora Gorge, So uthland was thrown from a horse on Tuesday and died within five minutes, his neck apparently being broken. The JNew Zealand Times of Saturday last records the death of Mr Charles Louis Wiggins, who died just after admittance to the Wellington hospital, and while being put to bed. Deceased, who was 52 years of age, some years ago occupied n good position, but had lately become very reduced in circumstances. It is supposed his heart was effected. Deceased was at onetime a resident in Timaru, and a few months ago travelled the district with “ Lester’s Stereoptioon.” His sudden death will be regretted by many who knew him. The Auckland Star reports that a child named Celia Dampier, is a highly-gifted violin player, who has been performing before Lady Augusta Boyle. Her playing of even the most difficult music is simply wonderful. Our better halves say they could not keep house without Chamberlain’s Cough Remedy. It is used in more than half the homes in Leeds. Sms Buos., Leeds, lowa. This shows the esteem in which that remedy is held where it has been sold for years and is well known. Mothers have learned that there is nothing so good for colds, croup, and whooping cough, that it cures these ailments quickly and permanently, and that it is pleasant and safe for children to take.—For sale by J. C. Oddie, Temuka, and Morrison Bros., Geraldine.